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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

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19 replies

Sweettoot · 21/08/2023 11:06

Partner is very frugal with money and it is really starting to grate on me.

We dont currently live together and I am currently pregnant.

In the past I have taken him on 4 holidays, paid for meals, and lent him around 3k.

He will moan about how much petrol is costs him to come to mine, despite him living only 7 miles away.

He has an Audi sports and apparently it is not very economic.

He will come to mine and eat all my food, go through all my cupboards and drink all my fresh orange juice and smoothies.

He has taken me out two times since I have been pregnant and moans about that.

I now only work part time and I budget so I have enough money to pay rent, bills etc and him coming over will cost me a fortune.

My concern is that once the baby is born he expects to move in with me and in the past when he was practically living with me he never once contributed to food or his usage of the utilities.

I am not prepared to do this again.

Another gripe is that he expects to come to mine from work and have a meal prepared for him.

I have told him no way.
I am not paying for food and cooking for him when I am not getting any contribution from him.

He doesent even do the bare minimum for me. I look after myself.

Am I being unfair to expect him to live at his flat once the baby is born?

I am not prepared to pay for extra food and bills because of him when I will have to survive of maternity allowance and savings.

OP posts:
SunsetsAndSandwiches · 21/08/2023 11:10

To ask the blunt question here: do you actually want to be with him?

It must be difficult once a baby is on the way, but you don't need to stay with someone if you aren't getting much out of the relationship. It sounds like you would be better cutting your losses now and planning with him how to manage the responsibilities (including the finances) of co-parenting?

WandaWonder · 21/08/2023 11:12

Why on earth did you have a child with if it is so bad?

VeridicalVagabond · 21/08/2023 11:12

He's not frugal at all, he's a lazy mooch and he saw you coming a mile off. He's taken you for an absolute mug.

I think that you should tell him to live at his flat as a single man because this is not someone who is going to be a good partner or father, I'm not really sure what you were thinking having a baby with him.

Be a single mum, it'll be cheaper than subbing this loser forever and you can claim through CMS to get him to contribute something for once in his life.

PimpMyFridge · 21/08/2023 11:16

He's not a partner he's a parasite.
Personally, in your situation the last thing I'd do is shackle my wagon to his horse cos it's only going to lead to resentment at being treated like a meal ticket and a maid all in one.
The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour and, give him credit where credit is due, he's consistent in his 'one rule for him another for you' attitude to finances.
It's a shame for the baby it's father is so intent on using it's mother that a harmonious family life is unlikely but better to realise now than when you've lost any sight you had of what a balanced relationship looks like.

PimpMyFridge · 21/08/2023 11:16

And no, the absolute last thing you should do is have him move in so you can be bled dry in every way.

Traxz · 21/08/2023 11:17

WandaWonder · 21/08/2023 11:12

Why on earth did you have a child with if it is so bad?

This

This doesnt sound like new behaviour - why on earth did you get pg by him? Surely your fanny dried up with his attitude?

Original poster
Sweettoot · 21/08/2023 11:18

SunsetsAndSandwiches · 21/08/2023 11:10

To ask the blunt question here: do you actually want to be with him?

It must be difficult once a baby is on the way, but you don't need to stay with someone if you aren't getting much out of the relationship. It sounds like you would be better cutting your losses now and planning with him how to manage the responsibilities (including the finances) of co-parenting?

I dont really want to be with him, I dont get anything out of the relationship.

He thinks taking my rubbish out and doing the washing up once makes him a brilliant partner.

I defo do not want him living at him, he expected to come over yesterday and was asking “what food do you have at home”?.

I am lucky I have savings to support myself and baby as this man will not spend a penny on anyone apart from himself.

OP posts:
PimpMyFridge · 21/08/2023 11:21

His behaviour to you is similar to that of a clueless teen coming home from first year at uni to his parents who have always bankroll'ed him and he hasn't grown up yet.
He is not standing shoulder to shoulder with you against the world, he's just leaning on you with his hand held out.

PimpMyFridge · 21/08/2023 11:23

You don't really want to be with him!
Of course not, he's a man child.

WhateverMate · 21/08/2023 11:25

He's rude, tight, selfish and disrespectful.

I'm not going to be 'that poster' who asks the question that'll be on everyone's mind regarding the pregnancy.

My only advice is you don't add his name to the birth certificate and if he doesn't change after you've sat down and told him exactly what you've told us, you should dump him.

Pumpkindoodles · 21/08/2023 11:26

YANBU but the solution isnt necessarily to live apart
Speak to him, tell him he needs to contribute to your house
he is very greedy and pathetic to not want to spend money but be happy to eat everything you buy. It would be different if he had those things at home and was just used to eating them.

also if he wants to come to your house and you make food for him, this is a traditional set up, that wouldn’t be for me, but the perks of that sort of relationship is that the woman worries about the home and the man worries about work and finances, and they’re both looked after in different ways. You’re getting neither and he’s expecting both.

he’s acting like a teenager going to his parents house, it’s embarrassing
if you don’t want to be with him just don’t be with him. File for CMS straight away but expect you’ll get nothing

ChristmasCrumpet · 21/08/2023 11:30

He's not frugal. He's got himself a sports car.

He's a lazy, nasty user.

Don't put him on the birth certificate. Don't allow him to stay over and get used to it being "his" place.

SunsetsAndSandwiches · 21/08/2023 11:34

Sweettoot · 21/08/2023 11:18

I dont really want to be with him, I dont get anything out of the relationship.

He thinks taking my rubbish out and doing the washing up once makes him a brilliant partner.

I defo do not want him living at him, he expected to come over yesterday and was asking “what food do you have at home”?.

I am lucky I have savings to support myself and baby as this man will not spend a penny on anyone apart from himself.

Show quote history

Sounds like you've got your answer then.

Sit down with him, tell him you don't see a future together in a romantic sense but that you need to find a way to co-parent effectively. He will need to pay you maintenance. Find out if he wants access to the child.

I hope you have other people in your life to support you through birth and newborn stage.

I'm really sorry you're in this position, but please do not stay in some semblance of a relationship just to avoid being a single mother. You deserve better. Good luck.

Original poster
Sweettoot · 21/08/2023 11:39

Pumpkindoodles · 21/08/2023 11:26

YANBU but the solution isnt necessarily to live apart
Speak to him, tell him he needs to contribute to your house
he is very greedy and pathetic to not want to spend money but be happy to eat everything you buy. It would be different if he had those things at home and was just used to eating them.

also if he wants to come to your house and you make food for him, this is a traditional set up, that wouldn’t be for me, but the perks of that sort of relationship is that the woman worries about the home and the man worries about work and finances, and they’re both looked after in different ways. You’re getting neither and he’s expecting both.

he’s acting like a teenager going to his parents house, it’s embarrassing
if you don’t want to be with him just don’t be with him. File for CMS straight away but expect you’ll get nothing

I agree with you 100%.

He never invites me to his house and always expects to stay at mine.

Yeah he expects for me to buy groceries etc and also cook for him, not happening!

OP posts:
RuffledKestrel · 21/08/2023 11:39

He doesn't sound frugal to me. Instead sounds self centered and greedy.

If you don't want to be with him, leave him and claim maintenance once the baby is born.
If you do want to be with him, you need to have a very frank discussion about finances and his thoughtlessness.

SpamFrittersYouSay · 21/08/2023 11:40

Don't let him move in with you but you need to make it clear that he needs to contribute towards your bills and food.

You s add Lao need to tell him that he needs to start providing for his child too.

If you decide to split up then apply for maintenance. Don't let him get away with his apparent frugality ( despite running an expensive car!)

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 21/08/2023 11:42

Confused as to how besides being the child's biological father is he your partner? Dump and run, you are his funder, not his partner.

Original poster
Sweettoot · 21/08/2023 11:42

SunsetsAndSandwiches · 21/08/2023 11:34

Sounds like you've got your answer then.

Sit down with him, tell him you don't see a future together in a romantic sense but that you need to find a way to co-parent effectively. He will need to pay you maintenance. Find out if he wants access to the child.

I hope you have other people in your life to support you through birth and newborn stage.

I'm really sorry you're in this position, but please do not stay in some semblance of a relationship just to avoid being a single mother. You deserve better. Good luck.

Show quote history

Yeah I think it would be best to sit him down and explain how I feel.

It is impossible to talk to him about real life grown up things as it “stresses him out”.

Since I have been pregnant I have lost friendships as I am not going out etc.

I do feel quite isolated but I guess it is what it is.

Thanks for the kind words and support xx

OP posts:
Planesmistakenforstars · 21/08/2023 11:46

Well that's a cliff hanger of a title.

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