To be reluctant to help my cousin?

[carryokea]

I live abroad and have younger cousin that lives here too.

He’s in the process of breaking up with a really narcissistic, sociopathic girlfriend, who he lived with for the last year. Thankfully they don’t have kids. She’s restricting his access to their shared home and holding his belongings from him.

She’s got him scarily brainwashed but anyone who’s ever seen abuse before would spot it straight away. It’s narcissism in its purest form.

He asked if he could come and stay with me. He actually has another property so it’s not that he can’t go elsewhere, he just hates being alone. His dad lives here too (I don’t know his dad, I’m related on his mum’s side but they’re divorced) but he said he doesn’t want to go to his dad’s, as his dad has some health issues and he doesn’t want to worry him.

Unfortunately, there are a few reasons I’m really concerned about having him stay:

1. She seems unhinged, honestly, and I’m a single parent with 3 kids. I don’t trust her not to show up at my door. I also don’t trust him not to give her my address, because he seems to give in to whatever she says.

2. She’s brainwashed him so much that doesn’t seem to want to help himself. He won’t address any practicalities (legal, etc) and just ignores any attempts at discussing that. I booked him an appointment to get some legal advice and he just went off on a tangent about how crazy she was, rather than acknowledging that I’d booked it. I know some of this is youth and emotion. He isn’t being intentionally difficult, but I can’t seem to get him to take any practical steps (except for actually leaving). He is just repeating the same things over and over, and engaging with her when he shouldn’t be.

3. My own life is really stressful right now. I have a high stress job which is already taking so much time away from my kids, and I cannot fathom giving up more time with them to support him through this full-time, especially if he isn’t willing to help himself. This doesn’t refer as much to putting a roof over his head and the practicalities, but literally having time to sit and provide him the emotional support he needs.

What do I do? I can’t leave him alone, he’s really not in a good place, but I’m also worried about myself and my kids.

I feel an awful person for being so selfish and feeling like this, but I’m overwhelmed by the whole thing.

Signpost here he could get help and advice?

I’ve done it all. I’ve even made appointments for him. I’ve sent him legal advice, phone numbers, therapists. He just wants to ignore it and talk endlessly about how awful she is.

Did he attend the appointment you made?

His talking about the issue could be more proactive than you think. If he's been in an abusive relationship he probably hasn't had time to process it. He could be trying to discuss it in a safe space, so he can make sense of it and once he's got a bit more understanding and capacity he can make other steps to progress.

But, just as long as it is venting as you being his counsellor would be too much from you. And wouldn't be fair.

Have you addressed the issue head on. “Why are you engaging with your abuser?”. If you put me an my kids in danger by giving her this address I will not be able to help you? Or even “The more you do stuff for yourself, the less her voice will be in your head. The sooner you take back control the better for you”

This is a no brainer. He's not homeless - he has another property. So he needs to go and live in it.

OP - you can provide support, advice, signposting etc without actually inviting him to come and live with you.

I'm sorry but I would have no say no to letting him stay. It sounds like you already have a full and busy life and you don't need this disruption for your kids. It's not like he'll be out on the street if he doesn't move in with you.

It’s next week. But when I sent him the details and asked if it was ok for him, he ignored and replied with details of her latest torrent of abuse.

I’m really worried about the kids. They’ve been through enough with my own divorce from their dad. I don’t really want to expose them to this.

You don't need to justify it to anyone OP. Just say no. He has a home he can use.

Nope. He's not engaging with getting professional help in breaking with his abuser and you're already stressed out.

He sounds like a total drain on your emotional resources. Don't get sucked into it.

No, protect your children physically from her and emotionally from him. It sounds as though they've been through a lot and they don't need him there talking about this all the time.

Absolutely not.

You have more than enough going on.

Your responsibility is to your children.

I wouldn't dream of allowing him to move in.

How would you get him out.

Tell him to contact his father.

Be wary of being used OP would be my advice.

He needs to block and ignore.

His talking about the issue could be more proactive than you think. If he's been in an abusive relationship he probably hasn't had time to process it. He could be trying to discuss it in a safe space, so he can make sense of it and once he's got a bit more understanding and capacity he can make other steps to progress.
This, from WanderingHome.

Thanks all. I was honest with him and told him. I feel really bad as he’s a really good person and I know what a terrible time he’s having, but I literally can’t manage it.

Some people thrive on drama. Looks like you've made the right decision.