To ask how you knew it was over

[TheColourofspring]

I am in holiday at the moment with DP and kids. Honestly, after 23 years and a virtually sexless relationship, I think I am done. I think I can cope at home because I am able to lead a seperate life to him but holidays bring into sharp focus the chasm between us. I honestly think he’s a knob 🫣😬

I think we have stayed together for the kids as is the cliche. But there is nothing left to say. He’s currently staggering around the apartment drunk like an absolute dick and I can’t bear it.

How did you know? Was there a flash of lightening or was it a gradual build up?

For me it was a gradual build up, but I think the reduction of hormones in peri added to it.

@DustyLee123 ah yes, I am 50 and feeling that too. I can’t bear to be in the same room as him.

You sound like you already know it x

The trouble is that you’ll go home and just go back to how you were before. It’s too easy to stay.

@DustyLee123 i know and I feel bloody desperate too

Feeling the same too op. Gradual build up here. Been together for 23 years also, everything he does just seems to grate on me ☹️. 2 dcs at home, one just about to go off to uni, so an expensive time for us, couldn't afford 2 properties if we spilt as not enough equity in the house to go our separate ways.

Ex DH getting arrested was the final straw.

If your home life is bearable, and you are not subject to any domestic violence, can you make a long term plan to leave, figure out finances, and put up with it in the meantime?

And don't book a joint holiday next year if you can avoid it.

I think you already know, OP

I spend a lot of time dreaming about the day I will be living on my own in a nice tidy place and won't have to cook any more dinners or listen to the same stories again and again. Peri menopause took away the last bit of my patience.

When the single life is more appealing
When it feels like we don't bring happiness to each others lives, or at least being a lot more unhappiness
When it seems nothing will change

OP, I was like you expecting an epiphany
But no, that didn't happen
In the end I had to make an unbearable choice
I very much wish I had done done this decades ago

Just found this thread as similar to one I was looking at and wondering where you are at now OP? I could relate to your words and those who posted similar very much.

It was both gradual and there was a moment - that moment was when I realised I had stopped caring. Behaviour that had previously upset me no longer affected me, but it was the experiences over time that got me to that point.

Good luck up.

Oops didn't read all the posts, but hopefully it's of use to someone reading this further down the line.

Wow this is me. I was on holiday the same week as OP going through the same thing! We broke up when we got back. It was horrible on holiday and stressful. We took more baggage with us than the suitcases! We’re now separated. Despite it being right for both of is, I’m still sad and it’s taking a lot of getting used to. But boy am I glad it’s over.

I too just checked out of the marriage gradually since getting back into work and hitting peri. I just found I had absolutely no patience any longer and that I was done with putting on a good wife face. I literally stopped the pretence and he picked up on it and it was obviously over.

It was when he said he wasn’t prepared to go with me to Marriage Guidance counselling (aka Relate) because he thought it was too expensive.
What price our marriage? Obviously worthless.
I just died inside. THAT was it!

I believe that one of the main signs the love is gone never to return is that you start to find it revolting to kiss him on the lips, you can have sex but you are totally put off the idea of kissing him.

Second sign is indifference, when you don’t care either way, cannot even get annoyed anymore, you are done.

For me it was someone asking “how would you feel if he was having an affair?!?” , the first thing to came to my mind was relief, thinking that if he had one at least he would stop pestering me for sex for a while.