Friend wants to see me but I always have to make the effort!

[Goinginstyle]

Does anyone else have a friend like this, and if so, would or does this annoy you?

I have a friend who doesn't drive (by choice) and isn't interested in learning how to drive. Fair enough, that's up to her. But with that, comes the expectation that everyone around her should work around and cater to her because of this. If we see each other or make plans, it's always me that has to make the effort because it's "easier" for me as I drive.

I either have to go to her house (30 minutes away) or if we're going out anywhere, I have to pick her up and drop her back home so a trip out isn't just from A to B. She never offers to meet me halfway or at the place that we're going to, and she never comes to my house (unless I pick her up and take her back) as it would mean having to get the bus.

I think it's annoyed me more than usual as she's been asking a lot recently to catch up, but again not offered to pop over or meet me halfway. I feel awful that she's making the effort, but then the effort only really goes as far as asking to see me but not actually doing anything about it. For example, on Thursday night, she sent me a text saying "we haven't seen each other in ages. Even if you're tired, just come over to mine". I didn't as I was knackered after work. I also finish work later than she does.

I understand it's more of a hassle for her to get public transport than it is for me to drive, and I don't expect her to do it every time we see each other, but a friendship goes both ways and I don't think having a Iicence is a good enough reason to not make any effort. Before I could drive I always took the bus to see friends/family. We've been friends a long time and I do enjoy spending time with her, but it's just getting on my nerves and I'm finding that I'm making excuses to not meet up as I can't be bothered and find it such a hassle.

Another thing is that she always asks to go on trips away/days out but never contributes to fuel costs, so I'll end up paying for a trip and all the fuel whilst she just pays for her lunch etc.

AIBU?

As a non driver I see transport as my responsibility. I'm always very grateful for the offer of a lift if it is genuinely offered, but will always offer some money for fuel or reimburse in other ways (buy my friend a drink or something like that)
I only make arrangements to meet places I can get on public transport and have emergency taxi fare so that nobody feels obligated to give me a lift if transport gets cancelled or run late.
This friend seems very entitled, I would give a good friend the opportunity to change that behaviour, but if it doesn't change then walk away. This kind of thing really breeds resentment, so if she doesn't change her ways it's going to be a friendship ender anyway

I would just be more firm. Is there a town halfway that is 1 bus or train for her to get too and then only 10/15 minute drive. Simply say yes would love to see you. How about lunch at XXX in town. I'll meet you there around 12.30 and if she isn't willing to do that she isn't a true friend really!

Redirect things - if she says she fancies a meet-up then say ‘sounds good. Let’s meet at the red lion at 7pm’. If you want to be nice, you can look and find somewhere more accessible for her by public transport, but don’t pick her up. Might be awkward at first but it’s her decision to not drive and her decision to attend or not.

Not wanting to drive is fine. But expecting everyone else to drive you everywhere, being unwilling to compromise or find workarounds using public transport or taxis, is not.

I'd be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt that she's just being oblivious, rather than purposefully cheeky. As a non-driver, I used to be under the misguided impression that driving somewhere was as easy as being driven somewhere, and there was a time I wasn't aware that it was a social norm to offer petrol money (it sounds silly but cars were so NOT a thing in my life that it didn't even occur to me that they had to get petrol and that petrol costs money).

Have you tried insisting on meeting halfway, or have her come to you without picking her up? In terms of petrol, next time just tell her how much she owes you rather than waiting for her to offer.

@birdsofafeatherr I think it's because she's never owned a car before, so she doesn't realise the costs involved of running one, fuel etc and to her it's just "free" as she's being picked up and dropped off. Her last message wound me up as there was absolutely no reason that she couldn't get the bus to see me, yet expected me to drive to her house even though (in her words) I might be tired.

Just be honest with her. Tell her you can’t afford to keep coming to her, picking her up, going on day trips. Arrange to meet her somewhere that she can get to

"Not up to driving over to yours again- How about we meet halfway or you come over here?" If she replies moaning about not wanting to take a bus, I'd gently tease her about making a bit of an effort...

This sums it up!

This.

She sounds like hard work and the older you get the less tolerance you may have for people who are utterly focused on suiting themselves.

That's the thing though, that very much reveals that she just doesn't get how tiring it is to drive, and probably thinks it would be like being driven to hers by someone else.

It sounds like this is someone you're quite close to, so why not just be honest and say "it's actually quite tiring to drive, and fuel is expensive, I'd appreciate if you sometimes took the bus to mine instead".

I totally sympathise my friend is like this. She did pass her test and bought a car, but didn't get on with it so now doesn't drive - so I have to drive her everywhere or she gets her dad to drop her and I take her back.

A few years ago I refused to drive and we fell out for a while but we started talking and still things haven't changed and tonight I'm driving tonight to her local for a meal because she doesn't drive! Arrgghhh!

I have one friend who has never driven and relies on her husband to bring her to catch ups and collect her again. I wouldn't be happy at being her designated driver tbh, as she's a bit entitled. I have another friend in the same circle who used to drive but is now unable to because of sight problems. She stays fairly near me,so I have no problems with picking her up and taking her home again.

I would say "I'm exhausted, not moving from the sofa anytime soon! You're welcome to drop over if you like".

Stop taking responsibility for her transport.