Struggling with autistic teen DD

[87SPD]

Hi there,

DD13 was diagnosed with Autism last year after a tremendously difficult start to secondary school. She is so lovely and compliant and has never caused us any issues (apart from worry for her own wellbeing)

Anyway, since we suspected autism our whole approach towards her changed to be more accommodating to her complex needs such as level of volume, being in busy places, clothing she wears, expectations of socialising etc. We can preempt a melt down if she has socialised for a prolong period of time and navigate this really well now. She masks a lot at school and so we want to ensure she doesn’t have to mask at home and that we accept her true self and try our best to understand her.

I have felt on top of it for a long time but as she is getting older and in particular the summer holidays (I wfh full time) I am really struggling to be around her. She is constantly ranting about something but to an extreme level, it could be somebody who annoyed her at the park, another team winning at football, the ref of the football game, strangers, tv, the way her food is presented literally the most trivial things but it’s become unbearable for us to listen to!

She is very clingy with me and doesn’t respect personal boundaries so will follow me into the bathroom, sit extremely close to my face when I am getting ready ranting about my make up or worse messing with it and licking some of it (she has a habit of licking things that she likes such as lip gloss, labels, fabrics etc)

The other day it was really hot, I was going out straight after work to see a friend and my DD was just really in my face having a rant, thinking she is funny getting physically in my way when looking in the mirror etc and as soon as I left the house I just broke down crying. I felt so overwhelmed and frustrated.

Its such a difficult situation because of course I absolutely love every bit of her but I feel my own mental health has deteriorated and I am just a shell of a person because I am so drained from bending and twisting to make life easier for DD that I am too drained to focus on anything else.

My AIBU is I am thinking about introducing some more discipline particularly around personal space, but the problem is she gets so upset if my tone is off or she feels we are accusing her of being at fault for anything. She is a very anxious girl and I know when this lack of personal boundary and ranting intensifies it means she’s extremely stressed in herself.

YABU - she can’t help the way she is and as her mother you need to ensure she is secure and able to express however she needs to in her own home

YANBU - Even though autistic and compliant in most things she still needs discipline because the real world won’t be this accommodating for her

Any advice would be amazing, i am completely burned out and feel at such a loss.

Sorry just to add - I feel a colossal amount of guilt for even posting this so please go easy on me 🙈

Hi Op

I didn’t want to read and run. You sound like a wonderful mother. Have you had a chance to take professional advice about what would be best for parenting your daughter? They might have some professional insights which are helpful.

Would you consider speaking to someone yourself too? I’d say there’s a chance of you becoming more overwhelmed as the teenage years advance and you are likely to need time and space for yourself, especially if DD is unable to see your boundaries at the moment.

I've not even voted because I'm in exactly with same situation with DD13, so I'll be watching with interest. I feel you to the core. The walking on eggshells trying to pre empt every situation to avoid a melt down, using a quiet voice, never criticising because anything slightly negative "can you put your plate in the dishwasher not on the worktop please" is taken as a character assassination.

My ASD DD is 17 … we are on holiday atm. I love her to bits, and we (like you) have learned to change our parenting to cope - but bloody hell she’s annoying at times.

She’s a bit tired, and in a new environment at the moment, so it’s ticking a lot of boxes .. so she’s a bit ranty, pointing out all the things I’ve “got wrong”, eye rolling, sighing etc ..

Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish ASD and “moody teen” .. we are getting there, but not always easy.

As you know, regular “punishments” tend not to
work (you’ll get the normal clowns along telling you to “take her devices off her”). What we have found over the last few years is to just bide your time, these little creatures obsessions will pass, don’t react that much to them. Keep your voice calm and low (my DD always thinks I’m shouting or annoyed when i’m anything other than monotone). If my DD was in my space, i would probably say “love you too honeybun, give me a hug” - which would send her running.

Parenting an ASD teen is really tough, don’t beat yourself up, it will get better.

I don't think you need to discipline her. That implies telling off. But I think it would help you and her to work on social understanding. So, "Darling, I know you like licking things, but when you lick my face / make-up, that feels really horrid for me and I'd like you not to do that". And maybe also help her to find some different ways to self-regulate, so it's not all about ranting at you. It might be a case of trying out lots of different things, initially when she is calm, then alongside her when she is stressed, before eventually her being able to do it by herself. You could point out that it's important for her to find ways to calm herself down independently because you are not always going to be available because sometimes your at work / out / she'll leave home at some point.

I think you absolutely need some boundaries. Some of the things you describe like licking your make up are completely ridiculous. I assume she doesn't lick her friends at school. It is of course necessary to make adjustments at home to help her but I wonder if you have felt that you can't have boundaries because of her autism and this has led to her not respecting your feelings. Part of your job is to help her understand and respect others. Talk to her about personal space. Include what you and other family members need as well as what you need. When she crosses this line tell her.

I have this same situation and also her older brother licked everything )including people) worsening since secondary.
no real advise just you’re not alone

I have son who is similar, slightly older than your daughter. Didn’t understand personal space at all and I spent years not having any. I make many many many accommodations for his needs and do my best to stay ahead of his needs so that he can be as relaxed as possible in his own house and doesn’t need to mask. But I do expect a certain level of behaviour and I do put rules in place and it helps a lot. I explain to him ( often repeatedly for days) why he isn’t allowed to eg follow me into the bathroom anymore now he is an adult. It does ( eventually, mostly) work and it also teaches him to try and take my feelings into account ( not always but we working on that)
I feel for you, it is v hard work with no breaks, mental or emotional. But it does get better as they mature if you stay consistent and firm. It can actually help with their anxiety because they know the boundaries. Remember their emotional development can be 4/5 years behind their actual age so right now you are likely to be dealing with an early teenage girl, emotionally speaking, and they can be v demanding and grumpy even without an ASD diagnosis

Unfortunately being a parent to an autistic child is inevitably one.of broken mental health. It's very difficult and relentless and it doesn't really stop.

I'm not sure what to say, I feel for you. My son, who likely has ADHD was like this for years, but now he's beginning puberty, he's eased off loads so it's much easier.

I'm pretty sure the whole situation is a recipe for PTSD. We should be able to protect ourselves from such overwhelm and invasion of our personal space, but in the nuclear family, parents, most often mothers, are stuck with it.
Hopefully, the passage of time will make things better.

It sounds very tough. You sound like a wonderful mum. My dd is yet to be diagnosed and has similar traits so I fully sympathise. I highly recommend joining the Facebook group parenting mental health. It's full of lovely people who will totally understand and give great advice. Not tell you to take her phone off her!

YANBU your MH counts too not just bending over backwards for her time to learn boundaries and personal space

Who does she get the professional advice from?

I feel your pain😞ASD Dd 17. She licks ME!

Solidarity💪🏻

I’ve got an ASD 14 year old and I sympathise. I’m finding puberty has made things more challenging though it does help me to try and work out what might be moody teen. Eg I also get told my voice is too loud and I try and remember that at that age, my other two DC found my husband and I really embarrassing and that totally passed eventually. I say this because it feels so relentless at times and mine is totally dependent on me while also telling me how awful I am.
I do find putting some gentle boundaries in place help but discipline in the way I would have with my others really doesn’t. I try and take a step back and focus on what my DH said once which is however difficult we find the behaviour, it’s 10 times worse for DC who finds the world terrifying and hard to navigate and their behaviour is because they are scared and frightened.

Sounds tough. My 10 year old can be like this although she tends more towards poking or slapping us than licking. You need a decent lock on the bathroom door and you need it now!

Look up NVR. It's more practical to change the way you respond than to change her, in the short term.

Well this post shows a complete lack of understanding of autism I really hope you don’t come back and say you have autistic kids or work with autistic kids. Autistic girls in particular often mask at school in order to fit in, this can take its toll on their mental health and in places where they are able to relax and feel safe ie. Home sensory behaviours can become more extreme as child has been masking all day.

op- if your child likes to lick things can you provide her with things that she likes that it is safe and you don’t mind her licking, thst way she can still get the sensory feedback she is craving but in a more acceptable way.

my son is 13 as well although he was diagnosed at 7, the last year or so has been one of the hardest as the teenage hormones have kicked in

how does she respond to rules? That works over punishments for my own child with asd. So at a time when you’re not wound up say you’re going to put two rules in place - one, that she is absolutely not permitted to lick your things, and two, when you go to the bathroom she needs to wait outside - get a lock.

then give her a chance to ask for some rules that she would like to be implemented to make her life easier.

Oh we also do times rants in our house. We get a timer and each person gets two minutes to rant and complain about anything at all and can’t be interrupted. It usually ends in a laugh when we run out of things to complain about but desperately want to use up our two minutes.

Aww, you poor thing. But do you know what, you're amazing!

OP, the best thing you can do for her is to establish the boundaries you speak of. It will stand her in good stead, as others in life will not tolerate the rants or face licking! It's best if this life lesson comes from you, rather than others.

I worked with a young autistic child years ago. In training, I was told not to let him win every single game or let him be the one to press the pedestrian crossing button every time. Because that's real life. The people on his life who love him can allow him to do it every time. They accept him for who he is. But other people won't, and they have to learn that.

Please take care of you - you'll be no use to anyone if you burn out

I don't think this post shows a lack of understanding at all.

Clear boundaries are helpful for me (autistic). OP's feelings matter too and if something her DC is doing is upsetting her to this extent then she needs to set that boundary. Why do you think that's not ok?

I think kids with ASD often need handling the way a much younger child would, so don't punish her but keep explaining the issues to her - gentle repetition. Like you would with a toddler that you have to watch like a hawk or they'll be pulling all the decorations off the tree - you keep moving them away and explaining the decorations have to stay on the tree - and you know that you're going to have to do it a million times but hopefully at some point the message will click into place. That is the sort of patience and consistency you need with kids with ASD IME, they need lots and lots of teaching rather than punishing.

So for the ranting I would buy her a journal, then I would listen to her for a bit and say, I can see this has upset you a lot, why don't you write about it in your journal. Then do that every time she starts ranting.

For the licking I would say, our mouths contain a lot of germs so it's best not to lick other people's things - and repeat it every time. Or alternatively say you can pick up lots of germs from licking other people's things so you should only lick your own things. I would get her some chew jewellery Chewigem do some cool looking ones and direct her towards that. Or direct her towards things she can chew that you know she likes.

I would tell her when she gets too close that you can't see her properly when she's too close so you'd like her to sit a little further back so you can see her properly - show her exactly where you'd like her to sit and remind her with a smile every time she starts creeping forward.

With going toilet I would tell her that people often like to go toilet alone so you would like her to sit and wait for you outside the door and you will talk to her while you are in there.

It sounds like her sensory needs may be quite high so I would look into all sorts of sensory things for her. I would also say to explain everything gently - things that are blaringly obvious to you, won't be obvious to her at all. Don't see it as punishing her or you not accepting who she is - just as gently teaching her the social skills that don't come naturally to her.

I sympathise op. My DD is 17 now she got her ASD diagnosis age 8, and ADHD at around 11. She is fantastic and clever and sweet, but being with her is like riding a rollercoaster. Her emotions are continually fluctuating, she has no concept of "this too will pass" so if she is down it is the end of the world, if she is up she is literally bouncing off the walls.she is clingy and also ridiculously grouchy and incredibly sensitive to perceived rejection.

I am very used to this now, but I still struggle to be perfect in my response to her when she is catastrophising about something or being objectively rude to me.

So first forgive yourself if you lose your shit with her on occasion, she may be sensitive but she is old enough to get over it. So let go of any concept that her feelings are the only ones that matter.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/friendship-20/201907/what-is-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria

Your DD may be more sensitive to perceived rejection. My DD researched alot after her ADHD diagnosis and recognised the traits of RSD in herself. It means she is at least aware that she struggles when she feels people are rejecting her in any way. Her difficulty in recognising the meaning behind facial expressions or indirect communication impacts as well, making her feel uncertain and anxious.

My son is 19 (also has Autism diagnosis) cares less about how most people feel, which is beneficial in some ways, but causes different issues!

So that I remain sane I have got support for DD where I can, she struggled hugely during lockdown as the schooling routine was so disrupted. We got a EHCP to support her in school better, which helped. If part of your issues at home are due to your DD having to mask so much in school then consider applying for an EHCP. It may help, be prepared for the school to say she doesn't need it. My dds school did. They were wrong, the LA accepted our application without question and she got an EHCP.

Also see if there are any social groups for young people with Autism run in your area. The National Autistic Society have a website to search for local support and a helpline.

Be kind to yourself as well as your DD. You are important and need to maintain your own wellbeing.

Oh wow so many responses thank you so much each one is so helpful.

I love the idea of timed rants - will certainly introduce that.

Just want to clarify when I say discipline I don’t mean the same kind of techniques that for eg work on our other DD who is not neurodivergent. I suppose I don’t really know what I mean I am just feeling very overwhelmed!

One of you saying about the character assassination really made me chuckle because that is exactly what DD is like with any instruction that she seems is saying she has done something wrong! I suppose I am in the ‘gentle’ parenting box anyway as not a shouty person and do tend to have a lot of patience but that patience is really wearing thin now.

Also a pp said about advice from their DH and that no matter how hard it is for us it’s ten times worse for the child and the world is frightening to them which is why I always want her to feel so safe and secure around us.

To be honest just reading your posts and knowing I am not alone in this and how many more amazing parents there are like you doing everything you can for your DC. It’s heart warming, we all deserve a bloody medal (and endless supply of wine 🍷) for how we have to navigate another persons entire world.

I am reading all of the tips and advice with great appreciation and interest and will definitely be introducing them into our lives.

As a pp said - solidarity to you all 💪

I am watching this with interest as my 6yo DS is like this (PDA / ADHD diagnoses). If I try to read something, he waves his hands in my face. If I’m trying to cook he runs over and turns off the oven or cooker. He always needs to be sitting on my feet or hanging off my legs. If I try to have even the shortest conversation with DH, he shouts over us to stop talking. If I’m trying to go down the stairs he gets in front of me and blocks me. Everything I do or say is wrong. If I make the wrong facial expression by accident the day is ruined. We manage to get him out of the house about once a week if that.

It all seems so minor compared to what others face. But he won’t be looked after by anyone else so we have no respite, and I am constantly screaming inside, or just trying to deaden myself to get through the day. I can’t bear to think what this will be like by the time he’s 13.