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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner drinking

16 replies

Mummaof2babes2 · 20/08/2023 00:47

Basically I'm unsure if my partner is an alcoholic.

Been together 3 yrs. He is 47 and im 36. 5 kids between us and we dont live together yet.

We have every second week together and he drinks every single night 2-8 beers then on the Saturday night he will have many and become intoxicated ( I'll.have a few on a Saturday night if we go out but I don't drink through the week). He gets very argumentative and isn't really fun to be around when drunk.

My bigger issue tho is when he is with his kids drinking. He seems to get very very drunk at his own house on the week we are not together. I have witnessed it a few times. I also know when he is drunk as he won't answer my calls, if I then pop over my thoughts are confirmed. I have seen him mid week highly intoxicated and i don't understand why he is getting so drunk especially mid week when there is work and school. I also don't see why he is drinking so much when it's just him and his kids. I guess I view drinking as more a social thing or yes have a few after work but more as only to wind down which he seems to do sometimes.

Last night he pocket called me and was clearly intoxicated. He was talking to his son who is 16 and it was drunk argumentative talk. His son was trying to go to bed. It was midnight and his 6yr old was still up. My gut is just screaming at me that he might have a problem as I don't get why he get drunk with his kids or alone. The thing is when he was working away he couldn't drink for weeks at a time...So is he an alcoholic or not?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummaof2babes2 · 20/08/2023 00:50

I guess I'm asking becuase I always thought to be alcoholic you couldn't go a day without drinking whereas my partner has gone weeks without drinking due to work

OP posts:
Dolores87 · 20/08/2023 00:51

Yes your partner is an alcoholic. Also to be honest if he is getting that drunk alone with the kids particular the 6 year old this is a safeguarding problem.

Dolores87 · 20/08/2023 00:53

Mummaof2babes2 · 20/08/2023 00:50

I guess I'm asking becuase I always thought to be alcoholic you couldn't go a day without drinking whereas my partner has gone weeks without drinking due to work

Many people with problem drinking or drug use can do sober for some occasions. If he can do sobber stints the he isnt physically addicted to alcohol but this is problematic drinking and a type of alcoholism

Northernsouloldies · 20/08/2023 00:54

The 16yr old trying to go to bed and the 6yr old up at midnight that's a bad scenario. Getting so drunk in charge of a child is neglect. Don't move in with him you and your childrens lives would be a living hell.

Northernsouloldies · 20/08/2023 00:55

The 16yr old trying to go to bed and the 6yr old up at midnight that's a bad scenario. Getting so drunk in charge of a child is neglect. Don't move in with him you and your childrens lives would be a living hell.

Diyae · 20/08/2023 00:59

I agree that sounds like neglect and also abuse. In addition drinking heavily midweek is problematic drinking.

However. Whatever you call it if you're unhappy with his behaviour then leave him. It sounds like you are not happy with how he behaves and about how he is around alcohol. Fwiw I would also be unhappy about that. I think most people would be.

And if you're unhappy, leave.

This won't get better.

Original poster
Mummaof2babes2 · 20/08/2023 01:10

Yes I am unhappy, I don't view alcohol in the same way he does. I also worry that due to not living together I may not be seeing the full extent of his drinking.

Also during our pocket call he was talking about his ex negativity to his 16yr old but his 6 yr old was obviously in the same room to as I could hear him. I don't agree with bad mouthing the other parent no matter what has happened. That concerns me to. The things he says when he drinks.

OP posts:
Dolores87 · 20/08/2023 01:11

Mummaof2babes2 · 20/08/2023 01:10

Yes I am unhappy, I don't view alcohol in the same way he does. I also worry that due to not living together I may not be seeing the full extent of his drinking.

Also during our pocket call he was talking about his ex negativity to his 16yr old but his 6 yr old was obviously in the same room to as I could hear him. I don't agree with bad mouthing the other parent no matter what has happened. That concerns me to. The things he says when he drinks.

To be honest not only do I think you need to end the relationship I also think you need to call social services of atleast the 6 year olds mum know what is going on

Dolores87 · 20/08/2023 01:13

*or atleast let the 6 year olds mum know what is going on

Original poster
Mummaof2babes2 · 20/08/2023 01:21

He has a 14 yr old as well who avoids his house like the plague. This weekend, for example, he planned a sleep over at a friend's place for fri/sat night which happens a lot. Maybe just being a normal teenager or avoiding his dad's drunken rants. I just can't understand why he gets so drunk with his young boys. I'd say more drunk at home with them then he ever seems to get at my place.

OP posts:
Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 14/10/2023 06:02

I think you know already that he is unquestionably, an alcoholic.
Run

Fahbeep · 14/10/2023 08:44

Yes he is alcoholic. If he is in denial, or does not wish to stop drinking, it will get worse and his ability to function will decline massively over the next ten years. I had an aunt who was an alcoholic. It stole her life and she died in her late fifties. The effects of alcoholism are not like an on/off light switch. They accrue very slowly over time. My aunt started young, first she lost her relationships, then her ability to work, then her ability to manage daily life, and eventually her ability to provide even the most basic of self-care. She spent her final years in a care home with a form of dementia from the brain damage it caused. I think you should consider leaving this relationship for the sake of yourself and your children. You won't be able to save him. Only he can save himself. But few have the capacity to do it. I am sorry.

Fahbeep · 14/10/2023 08:48

Mummaof2babes2 · 20/08/2023 01:21

He has a 14 yr old as well who avoids his house like the plague. This weekend, for example, he planned a sleep over at a friend's place for fri/sat night which happens a lot. Maybe just being a normal teenager or avoiding his dad's drunken rants. I just can't understand why he gets so drunk with his young boys. I'd say more drunk at home with them then he ever seems to get at my place.

See me earlier comment. This poor boy. I can assure you that being a child in the presence of an alcoholic leaves an indelible mark of sorrow (even if it is not your parent but someone in the extended family). It will be with those children for the whole of life. Do not expose your own DC to this hardship. Please end it.

Bananalanacake · 14/10/2023 08:49

Don't let him move in with you, whatever you do.

SallyWD · 14/10/2023 09:06

Northernsouloldies · 20/08/2023 00:54

The 16yr old trying to go to bed and the 6yr old up at midnight that's a bad scenario. Getting so drunk in charge of a child is neglect. Don't move in with him you and your childrens lives would be a living hell.

Exactly. I feel very sorry for his children.

DustyLee123 · 14/10/2023 09:07

Of course he has a problem. Keep him well away from your kids.

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