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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I or should I not?

22 replies

Whoami1234 · 19/08/2023 23:52

Happily married, just hit the 40 mark, two high school aged children. Always appreciated the beauty of women; hubby open minded enough to suggest maybe I am bisexual, which I am inclined to agree. Hubby has an open mindset and thinks I should 'investigate further' but I am aware of the pitfalls of this in a close knit community, married relationship, with children etc etc. I have a very good friend who is in exactly the same position as myself and curious. Aibu to think we only live once or switch off and keep on plodding....

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2023 23:58

Horrible, horrible idea. Why you would do anything that could possibly threaten your happy marriage and happy family is beyond me, and having sex with other people will most certainly threaten your marriage. It's very, very easy for your husband to be open minded while this is all just fantasy. The reality of things is often totally different.

NowItsSpring · 20/08/2023 00:04

What's your husbands motivation - is he also looking to play away?

HarrietJet · 20/08/2023 00:06

Very suspect that your husband is all over this 🤔

Catsmere · 20/08/2023 00:08

Any bet Mr Open Minded will suggest a threesome if you try this mad idea. Or he'll want to film it (if he even asks) and next thing you know you'll be starring in a porn video.

Original poster
Whoami1234 · 20/08/2023 00:17

Maybe it's a midlife crisis. Wish I had been more confident when younger and tried and tested then. Very low self esteem. Never really liked sex/ intimacy. First sexual partner 18, never had a fling. Hubby only serious bf/ partner since 20years. He's seen my insecurites and wobbles. Don't think there's a perverse or alt motive. Think he's thinking if I've got the confidence to try... I should embrace my body- love the skin I'm in and if being with a woman brings this out in me?!...

OP posts:
Elfandwellbeing · 20/08/2023 00:20

He’s wanking over the idea of you, another woman and he gawping and groping.

Catsmere · 20/08/2023 01:38

If you're not that into sex and intimacy, why are you thinking of doing it with someone else? Appreciating women's beauty isn't the same as sexually desiring them.

A maybe-mid-life-crisis isn't a good reason to start playing around and probably screw up what sounds like a happy, secure life. It'll pass. If it is a mlc, it's just hormones.

DrManhattan · 20/08/2023 01:42

You can appreciate the beauty of women and not be gay. Sounds to me like your husband wants to 'appreciate' some for himself.

Stompythedinosaur · 20/08/2023 01:43

So, is your husband proposing you change your relationship to be an open relationship? Personally I wouldn't like that, will it bother you if he has sex with other people? It's a personal decision, but think it all the way through. The gender of who you are sleeping with isn't really relevent, I don't think.

Fiddlerdragon · 20/08/2023 01:45

NowItsSpring · 20/08/2023 00:04

What's your husbands motivation - is he also looking to play away?

This. He’s looking for an excuse to cheat, or at least to join in. Which also gives him an ‘excuse’ to cheat as you acted upon it first

washingmachineslivelongerwithcalgon · 20/08/2023 01:59

How odd.

elifont · 20/08/2023 02:27

Whoami1234 · 20/08/2023 00:17

Maybe it's a midlife crisis. Wish I had been more confident when younger and tried and tested then. Very low self esteem. Never really liked sex/ intimacy. First sexual partner 18, never had a fling. Hubby only serious bf/ partner since 20years. He's seen my insecurites and wobbles. Don't think there's a perverse or alt motive. Think he's thinking if I've got the confidence to try... I should embrace my body- love the skin I'm in and if being with a woman brings this out in me?!...

That would destroy him if you did that. If you are bisexual you chose him. If you'd be happy with him sampling other partners to see if he's happier than with you..... but you've already suggested that so he deserves better

NewName122 · 20/08/2023 02:39

Why do you want to cheat on your husband? You need to work in your marriage.

NewName122 · 20/08/2023 02:41

On*

OpinionatedPoster · 20/08/2023 02:56

I'm a lesbian who used to frequent lesbian dating apps and have seen your story play out many times over. Wife looking to experiment, husband "open-minded" enough to let her go out exploring. In almost every case the husband will eventually ask to watch or participate in some capacity. Many men are open to their wife experimenting because it means they might get a chance to fulfil their fantasy of being with 2 women at once.

WandaWonder · 20/08/2023 03:02

So he wants you to cheat and you want to cheat but dress it all up as 'exploring my sexuality' OK works for you but I think the idea is appalling

KarmaStar · 20/08/2023 03:02

Oh come on!
you're looking at this with self indulgence written all over it along with end of marriage.
either work on your relationship with your husband or leave and explore yourself at your leisure..

Catsmere · 20/08/2023 03:17

Plus, OP, you already mentioned possible repercussions for yourself in the small place you life - what about the effect on your kids?

Original poster
Whoami1234 · 20/08/2023 10:27

Thanks everyone. Points taken. Perhaps best watching villanelle (killing Eve) on repeat. 🤣

OP posts:
TheWayoftheLeaf · 20/08/2023 10:46

I think you have to consider the risks:

  • what happens if you discover you much prefer women or are even perhaps gay? Then would you leave your husband?
  • what if he changed his mind and felt betrayed? Could you work past that?
  • what if you fell in love with one of the partners?

I understand the desire OP. But you really have to consider what you would do if it threw a bomb into your life.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 20/08/2023 10:47

NewName122 · 20/08/2023 02:39

Why do you want to cheat on your husband? You need to work in your marriage.

Technically it's not cheating if he has knowledge of it and consents to it. It's polyamory.

KajsaKavat · 20/08/2023 10:49

Sounds like hubby just Santa a potential future threesomw.. or to play away too.

I know couple where this happens and only the women play with others but it’s not for me.
ti def is littered with women who are married making it a pain for those of us actuality looking for the one woman and not just someone out for a bit of fun or trading her hubby. Boring!

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