Left on the shelf? Moving to London?

[NoOnePutARingOnIt]

I started a new job. There is a new person the same age as me that started working in a different department. We haven’t had much interaction beyond work related chit chat but I liked the look, vibe and personality of this guy. I thought this was my chance to get into a relationship. I decided that since we work in different departments it wouldn’t really count as a workplace relationship if it developed into anything.

I decided today before embarrassing myself, I would look on Facebook to see if he already has a girlfriend (or maybe boyfriend). I checked Facebook, he’s married to his long term partner.

I now feel ashamed and embarrassed for myself. I really hope I didn’t show interest because that would embarrass me further. I suddenly started to feel immense levels of shame and embarrassment, even though I’m currently on my own.

Most people my age have been dating since they were teenagers and are now married to long term partners. They’ve already been through awkward teenage romances, losing virginity and awkward sex all the way up to a fully adult relationship. Sharing bills, sharing mortgages and I’m stuck living an almost childish life in comparison. Even though deep down I know it’s not the case but I’m starting to feel “left over” or like the unwanted doll that’s been left on the shelf. It’s dawning of me that the only men I’ll get are either divorced or date me because no one else is around. I won’t really feel like putting in much effort into the relationship.

I kind of wishing I accepted a job I was offered a few months ago in London. I feel like if I lived in London, I wouldn’t feel this way. Or maybe if I lived “up north” like in Manchester or Liverpool I’d feel better because I feel younger there than where I am. I live somewhere where literally everyone is coupled up, I genuinely have not met a single person here. I don’t like living here. I feel miserable, old (although I’m technically not) and lonely. AIBU?

Nothibg to lose then. Move to a new city

Definitely don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed. I think we’ve all fancied someone at work, you’ve found out that he is attached and you move on.

Thanks @cestlavielife I genuinely think I’d be happier in London or somewhere bigger like Sheffield or Manchester or Liverpool. My current city doesn’t suit me.

How old are you?

I’m just glad I didn’t show it at work (or at least I hope I didn’t) so thankfully no one knew@TroglodytesTroglodytes

You don’t have anything to be embarrassed about! All those feelings might just mean it’s time for a change.

I married very late. I’m glad to be married but can’t tell you how endless my misconceptions were about marriage and partnership.

What misconceptions were those @AliceOlive

Anyway, I’m so glad I checked Facebook before embarrassing myself in real life, anyway

Fair enough. I do think there is a much bigger dating pool in large cities compared to smaller places. I live in London and have never worried about finding a date (but married someone from halfway across the country anyway- we were long-distance!). Good thing you checked his Facebook.

Nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about at all. You're a human being :-)
If you have freedom to move and don't like where you are, definitely make the most of that freedom!
Be a magic doll that comes alive and climbs off the shelf, dances down the aisle and right out of the shop to somewhere that pleases or excites you ✨
(Ironically many women in relationships would love to swap places with you as is evident from many MN posts)

Thanks @Sapphire387 I’m not even thinking about moving to a new dating pool really. Deep down I know most marriages/relationships aren’t fairytales despite what it may look like on the outside.

It’s the fact that I know what a real relationship looks like now. I’ve kind of lost interest in relationships in general. Which makes me sad because I’ve never been in a relationship really and I’m tired of trying.

How old are you?

Wherever you go, you take your problems with you.

If you know you definitely want a relationship and hopefully marriage and there aren’t many options where you are it makes perfect sense to be proactive and move to a bigger city where they are more single people. However, I don’t know if London is the best option as it’s so expensive. If you really want to be smart look at the cost of living and chose somewhere more affordable so if you couple up you can afford a place, Newcastle, Leeds, Glasgow, Liverpool, etc. Of course it depends on what you do for work and how flexible you are.

I think the worst thing you can do is just wait around in the hope you will meet someone, when you already know most people your age in your area are coupled up.

Why are you embarrassed?

You liked someone, you found out they were married and you retracted your interest. That's exactly the correct behaviour path to follow.

It does seem like an odd place. I'm 28 and my pals range up to 37. I only know two married couples, a few people in long term relationships and dozens of single men and women. I do live in London though. So the move could work for you.

It’s the fact that I know what a real relationship looks like now.

Why is it that you think this?