To feel rejected (I know IABU)

[acceptingthiswasntOK]

Username was for something different and can't be bothered changing.

DM is in a care home with dementia. Difficult 'intense' relationship before she went into care. I did the bulk of caring at home alone, I did my absolute best for a very, very long time until it broke me and it wasn't safe anymore.

She's in a wonderful care home. Very safe and looked after. Family go in most days of the week.

Went and visited last week. I don't go very often - 3-4 x a year - as find it too bloody hard, my mental health is on a knife edge as it is and each time I go I end up ill after - and she's very far away (5 hours journey on public transport). Everyone around me has advised not to go too often.

When I visited last week, she was pretty non responsive - just staring into space. No real speech, held her hand but nothing back.

Relative went in today to see her. They had a lovely visit according to the staff, lots of smiles.

I know my mum isn't rejecting me. I know it's the dementia, I know she's variable and brighter some days. I know she v v likely has no idea who I am or indeed who she is. But it hurts like hell and I keep thinking if I hadn't allowed her to go into care, maybe she'd still recognise me and there's a stupid irrational part of me that thinks maybe she's angry with me, and it hurts.

I don't want to say this to family, I don't want to bother friends. I am in therapy, but won't see her til Monday, and just feeling a bit shit tonight.

I really feel for you. It’s really difficult to not take it personally but as you said, it is the dementia not your mum. I have a close relative with dementia and how she treats us all is just down to how she is that day. Your mum was probably just having a shit day on the day you visited. You obviously did the best thing for her by putting her in a home, try and remember that instead of beating yourself up over it.

So sorry you're feeling this way OP, just wanted to send a virtual hug.

Well done for looking after your mum for so long. That sounds like it was tough. You have given a lot of yourself, now it's time to gain back your life. You do whatever is best for you, even if that means not seeing much of your mum. Perhaps a nice perspective on it is that you spent the last time she still had some sense of who people are with her?

Dementia is very, very cruel like that. Sending love.