Context - me and my partner have been living together a few months. I wfh, he works different shift patterns and volunteers at a couple of drop in type places, we don’t have children.
Situation - recently my partner came home past 10 on a day when he finished work at 4, and was uncontactable for those hours as phone was dead. I was upset, especially when he said he had known I would probably be worried (but not cared about that enough to find a way to contact me). He had spent extra time after work at a place he volunteers, and phone had died. I 100% believe him, but was hurt he didn’t care that it would worry me. Variations on this have happened again several times since - he’s gone to the nearby allotment or shops and not come home for 3+ hours, and phone has been off or unanswered.
Today we had an argument because when he was about to go out to an event he mentioned his phone was out of charge, so i asked him to take his charger in case they went to the pub or something after, and he then said that oh yes they might well go to the pub. To me that sounds as if the same thing was about to happen again, that I’d be stuck with no way to contact him, having assumed he’d be back early evening and wondering when to start worrying. To him it seemed as if I was being the thought police, but I can’t see how else the day would have unfolded (they have gone to the pub..). If he’d just said in the first place that he’d be back late or bothered enough to take his charger I’d have no problem.
Each time it happens it feels like it becomes a bigger deal, partly because now it feels as if he doesn’t care if it hurts me, having seen how upset I was previously.
IABU - it’s controlling to want your partner to let you know if they have changed plans and will be home hours later than expected
IANBU - it’s normal to let your parter know if you have changed your plans and will be home hours later than expected
A couple of other things - 1) no, he’s definitely not having an affair, and 2) there are additional reasons why I have been worried when he’s disappeared for hours, but which are also a reason to cut him some slack on not being very thoughtful right now (but I still feel this shouldn’t be happening over and over), but I want to know what people think is normal with those shelved so am not including. (If everyone votes against me maybe I’ll dripfeed.)