Grown daughter issue

[Treelove]

My daughter is a recovering addict/alcoholic. She has been sober for a few years and recently started seeing a guy again that she used to use with. He just got out of jail and doesn’t have a good history. I know for a fact he stole jewelry from his mother. I’m not happy about her dating him and very concerned she will regress. She has already shown some red flags. She wants my blessing with her seeing him but I just can’t. I’ve been there numerous times for her to get her treatment and pay for it, etc (when she was willing to get treatment). I love her and I tell her I do, but I can’t be happy about this new development. She tells my other daughter that I’m being judgmental. My other daughter knows I have legit concerns but she also says that her addict sister thinks I judge her. Quite frankly, now I feel judged for being a concerned mum and it sucks because I’ve been very supportive of her sober living. I feel I can never win. This is so hard and I’m worried for her. Her half sister (my ex’s daughter) and her best friend lost their lives to fentanyl so I’m so scared. I’m venting here. Thanks for listening.

By asking for your blessing she is asking you to judge the situation and IMO your judgment sounds sensible. It maybe wise to say something along the lines of saying it’s not that I don’t trust either of you just I don’t think you two would be wise to have a relationship together given that you both have had problems in the past.

YANBU. Especially with an addict, you don't want to enable them. She asked and you can absolutely tell her why this isn't a good idea.

By asking for your blessing she is asking you to judge the situation.

She’s setting you up, damned if you do, damned if you don’t. She’s responsible for her choices.

You can't win here . Your daughter is showing very poor judgement that she can't see this new development will not end well .

Therapy... support for you for families of addicts.. family therapy with your other daughter and with all three of you if possible.

In an ideal world, you use this space to explore what judgement means in your relationship and how judgement is part of human interactbon but most of us react negatively to the judgement of others unless they feel validated by it.

You can hold your belief that this relationship is not a positive one while still loving your daughter. She will always be at risk of relapse.. that is a fact.

Most of all... find support for yourself.. you might be lucky enough to maintain a healthy relationship with your other daughter and to find a way to have a relationship with your addict daughter that minismise it's hram to you.

There's nothing am addict likes more than someone/think to blames for their mistakes

Sorry, posted to early.

There's nothing an addict likes more than someone/thing to blame for their mistakes. But equally it's common for addicts to have really low self-esteem. I wonder whether, when you say he can't be trusted, she heard that she can't be trusted either? I mean, I think you are right, I don't think he's a great choice of boyfriend for her. Is your relationship good enough that you could sit down with her and talk this through in a non-judgemental way? Find out what she sees in him, share your fears. I can't work out from your post why she specifically wants your blessing? Is it because she wants your approval or is it a trap?

Can you write in a letter what you've said here?
It's clear, simple and full of love.