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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Married people going on abroad hen or stag dos

52 replies

Henly1 · 19/08/2023 15:51

Aibu to think there is nothing wrong with this?

I've been invited to a hen do abroad. My husband doesn't want me to go and thinks married couples don't do "girls or lads holidays". I think he's being stupid.

We do have children but I don't believe his objection is in regards to that, it's more so because he's worried about it being a big party, lots of drinking ect... im late 30s and myself and even the bride have no intention on having a wild holiday.

So, would it bother you if your partner or spouse went abroad with friends for a hen or stag do and if so, why? If it does, does it not show a complete lack of trust?

OP posts:
LadyOfTheCanyon · 19/08/2023 15:53

The usual advice on this sort of thing is that he's worried you'd behave in the way HE would behave on a stag do....

chipsandpeas · 19/08/2023 15:53

once you get married or have kids you dont stop being a person in your own right

panko · 19/08/2023 15:54

He's ridiculous and doesn't trust you

MojoMoon · 19/08/2023 15:55

Is he just wanting to avoid parenting and domestic labour for a long weekend?

(Nothing wrong with married couples holidaying separately with their friends. Does not even need to be a hen party. It's important to well being to maintain friendships and have adult time, without children as well)

stevalnamechanger · 19/08/2023 15:55

He sounds very weird .

Of course they do . I couldn't imagine not having girls holidays with my girlfriends

takealettermsjones · 19/08/2023 15:57

I'm married and I've been on a few. Went to Ayia Napa once and got shitfaced, had a great time!

My husband has been on stags, lads' holidays, etc. Last time I was pregnant he even went on a big trip with lots of other couples, one other single woman, and him 😆 I couldn't go because it was a sporty holiday. My mate told me I was bonkers "allowing" it. I didn't (and don't) see the issue.

I know people will say you can never really guarantee they won't cheat etc but if he's going to cheat he doesn't need a flight and a "lads on tour" sash to do it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oysterbabe · 19/08/2023 15:59

Yanbu.
I go on a girls holiday with my friends every year. I'm 42, married with two small children. DH doesn't mind at all.

WhatFreshHell1 · 19/08/2023 16:00

He’s being absolutely ridiculous. And
controlling. Go and have brilliant time.

Chickenkeev · 19/08/2023 16:00

That's v weird and massively controlling. Like, the last person to get married would have no stags or hens? Don't get that thinking at all (beyond him assuming everyone cheats, which is concerning).

FloweryName · 19/08/2023 16:01

I don’t see a problem with it either but I’ve seen plenty of threads on here from women complaining about their men wanting to go on them and using the children as an excuse why they shouldn’t.

How does your DH expect it to work for groups of friend that like doing abroad hens/stags. Is only the first one in a group allowed to have all their friends there and then each person in the group drops out of going as they get married?

Are you sure it’s not because he doesn’t want to be left alone to parent?

chillin12 · 19/08/2023 16:02

I think it’s fine to go away with friends short term, post marriage, but I wouldn’t be happy if those holidays involved anything like alcohol, drugs, or strippers etc, which I guess can be typical in hen and stag dos. I wouldn’t participate in any of those activities, hence, expect the same from my husband. So, I guess it depends on what type of friends you have and what kind of hen do it is.

Personally, it probably wouldn’t bother me if it’s just a short trip for a few days, as long as they are friends who seem “appropriately” behaved. But as I said, I would object if the holiday included any of those activities, but both my husband and I don’t drink, smoke etc, and neither do most of of our friends, so I guess it’s not been an issue.

emizay · 19/08/2023 16:02

I've read many threads where the advice has been a woman's husband shouldn't go on stags abroad etc as that's where stuff happens

It's funny how the comments are different when it's the other way round

chillin12 · 19/08/2023 16:03

emizay · 19/08/2023 16:02

I've read many threads where the advice has been a woman's husband shouldn't go on stags abroad etc as that's where stuff happens

It's funny how the comments are different when it's the other way round

LOL, very true.

muddlingthrou · 19/08/2023 16:04

He's being stupid and I think the impulse is telling

Changingplace · 19/08/2023 16:04

He’s being absolutely ridiculous, so is he never planning on going away with friends ever again?

Ofcourse married people still go on holidays/stag/hen dos with friends, what an odd suggestion that they don’t/shouldn’t.

PippaAB · 19/08/2023 16:06

I was one of the first in my close group of friends to get married. Does that mean I should have missed everyone else's hen weekend?!

No stuff happened, just a great catch up with friends

metalmaude · 19/08/2023 16:10

I think stag and hen dos abroad are crazy - who has a group of friends where everyone can afford that? You are just selecting the friends you celebrate with on the grounds of wealth

saraclara · 19/08/2023 16:11

Chickenkeev · 19/08/2023 16:00

That's v weird and massively controlling. Like, the last person to get married would have no stags or hens? Don't get that thinking at all (beyond him assuming everyone cheats, which is concerning).

That's what I was about to say.

So the first to get married has a great time with all their mates, while the last one has nothing. Worse than that, the last one has had to shell out for everyone else's and got nothing in return.

If your mates took the time and trouble to attend your hen/stag, then you at least take the trouble to go to theirs (absent any huge discrepancy in circumstances, and no, first person to wed now having a family isn't a good enough reason of itself).

Echobelly · 19/08/2023 16:13

I have never been on any hen dos where people were planning on sleeping around! Nor is it necessarily the case for stags (ones my husband have been on have been things like camping, so not exactly conducive to extra-marital shenanigans), people expect some attendees to be married/in long term relationships.

Roselee1 · 19/08/2023 16:13

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Cosyblankets · 19/08/2023 16:14

Wouldn't bother me.
What if it was a group of friends celebrating someone's 30th or something? Would that be OK?

ilovesooty · 19/08/2023 16:14

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🤣🤣🤣

UsingChangeofName · 19/08/2023 16:16

You don't stop being a person in your own right because you are married but generally speaking, people in their late 30s, with dc, have to keep their annual leave for covering school holidays, and their money for paying rent or mortgage, utilities, food, etc, so whether YABU or not will depend o all those sort of circumstances. Obviously, other folk who aren't married might be in the same position. This, for me, is more a question of 'stage' of life (and also finances) rather than marital status.

BrandonFlowersTurkeyTeeth · 19/08/2023 16:17

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It really does worry me that women and men have this opinion in these days. Does your life stop when you get married?

TropicalTrama · 19/08/2023 16:17

He sounds really weird and massively controlling. Literally everyone I know, married with kids, goes on separate friends holidays and hen or stag dos. By his logic how on earth does it work by the time the last few in the friendship group are getting married, are they not allowed to have a hen/stag at all?

The only acceptable reason for it to be an absolute no go is if money is tight and it’ll mean the family going without.

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