Can I get Women who are MILs options pls

[confusedmum16]

Obviously this has been building up over time not just the one occasion that's made me what to get advice, my mother in law makes comments all the time most of the time I ignore, she comes across as nice most of the time. For example I said to my 4yr today that he couldn't go outside as his dad was fixing car and wouldn't be able to have his eyes on him and the house is next to busy road, she replied " he can go out side for 5 minutes surely" I didn't want to disrespect her by saying no he can't! I'm now kicking myself that I didn't stand up for myself. I see her as interfering, she has a comment for absolutely everything, is this normal MIL stuff? Partner thinks I'm over reacting

In that situation, I would have asked if it was okay for me to watch my grandson outside for 5 mins

From my experience this will only get worse and such typical mil behaviour - stand up for yourself now, you are definitely not overreacting

"Thanks, no problem if you're willing to go out too and keep an eye on him"

Then if she won't, it's effectively her saying no and not you. (However I suppose there's the risk that she says she will but doesn't...)

I have to admit I find my son in law a little like this, I learnt just to not get involved!
For example in your example I’d have meant I was happy to watch him. Son in law would infer, however I phrased it, I was out to override him.
It’s just a communication barrier issue. On your side maybe be clearer? Start dialogue. So if she says the above you either say’oh, could you watch him. I’m worried about the road’ or ‘I’ll let him go when there’s someone to watch him’.
SIL would flounce and get upset easily. Id say ‘I’m not hungry tbh, is anyone else? I’m in two minds about tea’ and he’d put on martyr- face and say ‘I don’t need dinner’ then moan for ages upstairs I’d promised to cook and hadn’t and now he was hungry. I would have cooked if he’d just said ‘oh, I’m actually quite hungry’. I’m laid back and it’s just a question, I’ve never refused.
Or he’d say ‘I’d like an early bath tonight’ and I’d say ‘the towels are on the line’. He’d infer that he wasn’t allowed a bath- rather than just fetch a dry towel off the line to use.
Another one I remember was ‘I don’t like the bedding, it’s a funny texture’. I’d say ‘I’m alright with it’ and presume he’d just get another set out (he did live here) and he’d use the bedding he hated all week like my comment invalidated him or something.
Seriously, just communicate clearly and don’t try to infer with people you aren’t used to in their own spaces. It rarely works.
I’m sure he painted me as the difficult MIL. I could never seem to get across I didn’t care a joy how he lived his life and I’m content in mine. I just gave up talking to him much in the end because any question or exploration of details caused a fuss

Hi OP you're the Mum here not your MIL. I'm with you on this. Speaking as a MIL with a 2 yr old grandson I would never dream of telling my DIL what she should be doing or being dismissive of her parenting.
Stick to your guns with your own decisions re your child.
Maybe grandma felt it would be nice for him to be outside with Dad for a bit but in the scenario with Dad being preoccupied next to a busy road it would be a no from me too.

She shouldn't be interfering with your parenting decisions, especially not in front of the child.
But it would have been a different matter if she had said that she would go out with the child if that was alright with you.

Or you could have asked her to go out with the child to make sure they were kept safe, that would have involved her in the decision. She might be less enthusiastic about always commenting on your actions, if she knows that her comments will mean she has to take action herself.
It's easy to stand on the sidelines making comments, but not so easy when it means you will have to do something!

Just ignore her and carry on. Use your actions rather than words.

So in that situation I would have just told my child that they can't go outside as it's too dangerous, distracted them with something and carried right on. No point arguing just do what you want.

I'm a MIL and I wouldn't dream of overriding my DILs decisions

@CakAndMoreCake Tbf to your son in law, I don’t think you were being clear in your examples though. I would’ve interpreted that as you saying you didn’t want to make tea and that there was nothing wrong with the bedding!

Yes that's perfect "it's OK for mil to watch you outside for five mins. Mil makes sure dc goes no where near the road"

I thought the same!

I know it was a communication difference to start with. My DH/ family/ friends are direct and would clarify too. Once he’d then decided I was a difficult MIL it was just pointless. It was like a wall.
I could say ‘If you are worried about the road I’m happy to go outside and watch him’ and he’d just hear ‘I am being contradicted’ and get angry. I could cook a nice dinner and he’d get uptight I’d deliberately added mushrooms in to spite him, despite not knowing he didn’t like them.
From my end also I got fed up of the moods and the bitching that would come back to me. He also didn’t pull his weight, quick to see my faults (I have them!) but not really quick to be positive or contribute.
It just was best they found their own place so I could be a witch in peace 🧙‍♀️
DD and I have a better relationship for it

i think you have to be more assertive. “His momma told him no, so he actually can’t now. He’ll be ok.”

i think PP might be on to something if you have the opportunity to view your MIL as an asset not as someone just hanging around. You could have asked your MIL if she has time to go outside to supervise the the lad, for instance.

It’s very likely that if you are a MiL, your DiL will have routines, expectations, rules etc that might be different from yours.

My DiL has different standards about some things, but I would never dream of challenging the way she and my son do things. She’s a wonderful person and I’m very pleased that she’s in my life.

Whereas @CakAndMoreCake 's examples might not all be great, I think she has a really good point in that once you decide someone is difficult, then you read that into everything they say or do.

For the particular example in the OP, I would have said to MiL "If you want to take him out and watch him, then you are welcome, but dh can't as he is working on the car and I am doing X at the moment, so it isn't safe, unless you take him - which you are welcome to"

I’m a bit confused by this example, do you have any others?

DS wanted to go outside? Why? To watch his dad fixing car? I would probably have taken him out for a bit until he got bored. As a MIL (although I don’t have GDC yet) I would have offered to take DS out if I could see you were busy.

I absolutely wouldn’t override your decision about what was/wasn’t safe