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Original poster

Meet up old friends

28 replies

pookey33 · 19/08/2023 12:52

Just looking for some advice, I gave up drinking 7 months ago age 47 after drinking ( and recreational drugs ) for the last 30 odd years. The occasional drug taking I stopped totally 8 years ago but carried on drinking socially and alone. Started to question my relationship with alcohol a few years ago and after doing Dry Jan this year felt so good I carried on. Everything in my life has improved, my mental health mainly and having been on and off low doses citalopram over the years, I now take no MH meds. My anxiety is so much better and now realising how much I used booze to mask my anxiety socially. Feel far more confident now than I did drinking.

However .....how I lead my life has really changed and feel like I'm discovering the "real" me after all these years. Was going great but got a message today inviting me to meet with some old college friends and I'm really unsure of what to do. Their lives are very different to mine now. I'm a single parent working in NHS, in North UK they live abroad and in SE, and at previous bi annual meet ups I've felt like my life is so markedly different now I struggle to relate. We used to party together at sixth form college but I've drifted away over last 20 years, apart from odd meet up here and there. One of the girls was pretty unkind to me age 17 when we were best friends, we've since talked it through age 35 and she apologised but the impact it had on me was huge and I've always struggled to totally let it go. Counselling has really helped and I've come so far in my own self development just very unsure at whether going to this meet up is the right thing. I know they will be drinking, possible drugs but doubt it now as we all parents. It would mean a lot of juggling for me organise child/ dog care whereas they all live close ( old best friend over from abroad so staying with other friend for her whole visit to UK ), and its to stay overnight at their house which is massive so no issue with space. 2 of them are very wealthy, one doesn't work for this reason. Struggle to relate to their lives now.

My gut feeling is to say no but just not sure I'm avoiding and maybe I'd feel better to go and own the fact I'm sober now. ?! I just feel I'm in a good place in my life and not sure moving forward these ( now distant ) friendships serve me anymore so whats the point. Is it worth going purely due to the fact we spent a few years in our teens as friends and have that shared bond.

We have met up sporadically over the years but I am not part of the core friendship they have as 2 of the group see each other regularly & always have...Last time I saw them was 4 years ago !!!

Any advice greatly appreciated 🙏

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 19/08/2023 12:53

I wouldn’t do it.

Bilingualspingual · 19/08/2023 12:58

Hi. I’m four years alcohol free now for very similar reasons. I would have no qualms about saying no simply for the reason that you don’t want to (as it seems), let alone the childcare/dog care issues. You’re second guessing yourself and talking about it in terms of the new sober you, but I’d ask yourself if it’s something you really want to do, and if it’s not, I would say just don’t. And feel ok about the decision.

HollyGolightly4 · 19/08/2023 12:58

Congratulations, you sound like you've really achieved a lot with sobriety.

I think it sounds like you want to see them out of duty, rather than actively wanting to see them. You've listed quite a few reasons why seeing them would be difficult. I think if you truly want to go- go. However, I probably wouldn't, because it doesn't seem like they bring anything to your life! Always listen to your gut!

fifteenfifty · 19/08/2023 13:03

I think celebrate your new way of life by saying no. You sound like you've turned things round hugely and made brilliant choices for your own well-being and happiness. Keep doing so, and it doesn't sound like they fit into this at all for you.

billy1966 · 19/08/2023 13:04

Well done, you can be rightly proud of yourself.

Listen to your gut, give it a miss.

MarthaSchumann · 19/08/2023 13:10

I would give it a miss too - it really doesn't sounds like you want to go and the season of that friendship group is over.

Original poster
pookey33 · 19/08/2023 13:22

Thx for reply and congratulations on 4 years. Yes, the logistics are tricky anyway and I can tell its already making me feel anxious thought of it. I'm just very aware of not avoiding things but I think I'm losing sight of that sometimes avoiding things can be the best thing !

OP posts:
Original poster
pookey33 · 19/08/2023 13:24

Bilingualspingual Thx for reply and congratulations on 4 years. Yes, the logistics are tricky anyway and I can tell its already making me feel anxious thought of it. I'm just very aware of not avoiding things but I think I'm losing sight of that sometimes avoiding things can be the best thing !

OP posts:
Original poster
pookey33 · 19/08/2023 13:25

Marthaschuman, yes it feels that way to me now. Thx for your thoughts

OP posts:
meganorks · 19/08/2023 13:26

It doesn't sound like you want to go, so don't.

Original poster
pookey33 · 19/08/2023 13:27

billy1966 · 19/08/2023 13:04

Well done, you can be rightly proud of yourself.

Listen to your gut, give it a miss.

Thx billy1966 I am very proud but it can be a real eye opener and shines a brught light to people, relationships in my life.

OP posts:
CantFindTheBeat · 19/08/2023 13:27

What value would it bring to you, OP?

A weekend with old friends should conjure up thoughts of pleasure, nostalgia, camaraderie, camaraderie, connection.

If you're invited to something that conjures up the opposite, it doesn't seem something worth doing, to me.

Original poster
pookey33 · 19/08/2023 13:28

meganorks · 19/08/2023 13:26

It doesn't sound like you want to go, so don't.

I think I'm moving to that decision.

OP posts:
Original poster
pookey33 · 19/08/2023 13:31

CantFindTheBeat · 19/08/2023 13:27

What value would it bring to you, OP?

A weekend with old friends should conjure up thoughts of pleasure, nostalgia, camaraderie, camaraderie, connection.

If you're invited to something that conjures up the opposite, it doesn't seem something worth doing, to me.

CantFindTheBeat that is so interesting what you say as exactly that. To them I think that's what it conjures up however I feel it conjures up reminders of a tough period in my life. Appreciate that insight.

OP posts:
CantFindTheBeat · 19/08/2023 13:33

And massive well done on turning your life around, OP. That takes strength and tenacity 👏👏👏👏

Original poster
pookey33 · 19/08/2023 13:37

fifteenfifty · 19/08/2023 13:03

I think celebrate your new way of life by saying no. You sound like you've turned things round hugely and made brilliant choices for your own well-being and happiness. Keep doing so, and it doesn't sound like they fit into this at all for you.

Fifteenfifty yes I have made so many positive changes in my life and it almost feels like going backwards to go. I know I could do it and stay sober but thinking about going just makes me feel anxious and that makes me realise its not right decision.

OP posts:
WalterHWhite · 19/08/2023 13:41

If I were you, I wouldn't go. I'm a year or so into sobriety after many boozy years and have had to miss a few things ( a school reunion being one of them) and at the time I did beat myself up thinking that I should be able cope, why couldn't I etc. I do go out with friends locally for meals and am finding that ok. The pub, not so much.

Like you I've had many years on antidepressants and now don't take anything. Amazing to think that it was the alcohol causing the anxiety isn't it?!

Tell yourself what a fantastic thing you've done for your well being and if you're not in the right frame of mind to go, then don't. (So there, that's me telling you!)

Bilingualspingual · 19/08/2023 17:22

pookey33 · 19/08/2023 13:24

Bilingualspingual Thx for reply and congratulations on 4 years. Yes, the logistics are tricky anyway and I can tell its already making me feel anxious thought of it. I'm just very aware of not avoiding things but I think I'm losing sight of that sometimes avoiding things can be the best thing !

Thank you and huge congratulations to you. Everyone on the thread seems to agree - do things which make you happy.

CantFindTheBeat · 19/08/2023 21:44

Well done to you for your progress, too @WalterHWhite.

Sounds like you've put in some hard work to get your life into its well-deserved place 💕💕💕

WalterHWhite · 20/08/2023 12:04

Aww thanks @CantFindTheBeat. Thanks for the hearts and kind words. I must be starved of affection as that was so lovely to read!

Hoping Op has made her decision and is ok with it.

billy1966 · 20/08/2023 12:35

CantFindTheBeat · 19/08/2023 13:27

What value would it bring to you, OP?

A weekend with old friends should conjure up thoughts of pleasure, nostalgia, camaraderie, camaraderie, connection.

If you're invited to something that conjures up the opposite, it doesn't seem something worth doing, to me.

Absolutely this.

Associations like this are about shared history rather than real any real feelings of friendship.

Hence the low level anxiety in your gut.

You feel obligated through because of the history, but you are really not.

When you realise that, they are actually easy to move on from.

It's ok to move on without resentment or rancour.

The relationships have simply run their course and become superfluous.

CantFindTheBeat · 20/08/2023 17:18

Well I think you're a bloody marvel, @WalterHWhite.

What big changes you've made, and stuck to.

That takes real strength and determination. I bet you're an inspiration to more people than you know. 🏆🏆🏆

Original poster
pookey33 · 20/08/2023 17:56

CantFindTheBeat · 19/08/2023 13:33

And massive well done on turning your life around, OP. That takes strength and tenacity 👏👏👏👏

@CantFindTheBeat thank you so much. I'd say its the biggest achievement in my life so far , and never thought I'd remove alcohol from my life. Never, but here I am !

OP posts:
Original poster
pookey33 · 20/08/2023 18:09

WalterHWhite · 19/08/2023 13:41

If I were you, I wouldn't go. I'm a year or so into sobriety after many boozy years and have had to miss a few things ( a school reunion being one of them) and at the time I did beat myself up thinking that I should be able cope, why couldn't I etc. I do go out with friends locally for meals and am finding that ok. The pub, not so much.

Like you I've had many years on antidepressants and now don't take anything. Amazing to think that it was the alcohol causing the anxiety isn't it?!

Tell yourself what a fantastic thing you've done for your well being and if you're not in the right frame of mind to go, then don't. (So there, that's me telling you!)

@WalterHWhite amazing on a year. Honestly it's incredible how much of my MH issues were linked to booze ....who knew ! Yes I'd imagine a school reunion definitely wouldn't have been top of my list newly sober. I'm like you enjoy dinners out or coffee & cake (!) but purely just the pub gets dull very quickly now.

I have so many more boundaries in place and saying no to the meet up is another chink in the sobriety armour. I never felt truely comfortable at the previous get together as always still felt a bit on the outside and then just drank my way through.

I just want to do things that make me genuinely happy and going to this weekend with them all is just not aligning with the " new" me I'm discovering. I just struggle saying no sometimes as a previous people pleaser !

Thx for " telling me " needed to hear it 😀

OP posts:
Original poster
pookey33 · 20/08/2023 21:45

billy1966 · 20/08/2023 12:35

Absolutely this.

Associations like this are about shared history rather than real any real feelings of friendship.

Hence the low level anxiety in your gut.

You feel obligated through because of the history, but you are really not.

When you realise that, they are actually easy to move on from.

It's ok to move on without resentment or rancour.

The relationships have simply run their course and become superfluous.

Show quote history

@billy1966 yes, you are spot on feels like they have run their course now and I do feel some obligation but realising now that saying no is okay if it doesn't feel right anymore now my life is so different.

OP posts:
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