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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at brother in laws family always making us ill?

21 replies

Pineapples198 · 19/08/2023 10:48

Every time my brother in law and my niece visit, they are always full of cold, or were throwing up yesterday, or have covid symptoms and it turns out they have covid. They live hours away and so when they visit it’s for days at a time. This time they arrived with BIL full of cold which I have now got. They also announced that my niece was feeling sick in the night and that SIL is at home currently being sick with body aches and they “think she has covid”. Last time my niece had nits. The time before they were full of cold. They have also been to my parents in laws house with covid and passed it to them. Then were surprised we cancelled plans to join them there when everyone there had covid!
I feel dreadful today. I’m waiting for the kids to start being sick as my niece feels sick and was playing with a child with a sickness bug 3 days ago.

The casualness with which these things are dropped on us “oh we think SIL has got covid” (meaning they likely do) or “we need to keep an eye on niece as she might start being sick” suggests they don’t see it as an issue at all to visit while poorly. I suggested to DH that we should either start asking before they come if they Are well or speak to them generally and ask them not to come if they are unwell. DH is self employed so loses money if he’s ill and irregardless of that I don’t want to be ill whatever is going on if it can be avoided.

AIBU. DH thinks I am and it’s just one of those things. Perhaps I’m just grumpy as I’m ill due to them and not for the first time.

OP posts:

Hiddenvoice · 19/08/2023 10:52

Sadly it is one of those things with school age children but it would annoy me too. I understand they wouldn’t want to cancel plans incase your niece gets sick as it’s not always a given that they will catch it. I’d have a polite chat and say if you’re unwell or feeling rotten then please stay at home and we will reschedule when everyone’s feeling better. It will be tough as children catch and pass on so much so might be a long time before you get to meet up

10HailMarys · 19/08/2023 10:56

I wouldn’t mind someone visiting with an ordinary cold, but throwing up, Covid and nits? Yeah, it’s a no from me.

2chocolateoranges · 19/08/2023 10:58

I’d stop inviting them to visit and get dh to tell his brother than they don’t meet up with you unless they are all well.

could you meet half way to see them at a neutral place rather than them having to visit?

thatsn0tmyname · 19/08/2023 11:02

Next time, they can stay in a B&B and you can meet up outside your home.

HowToSaveAWife · 19/08/2023 11:06

Covid, nits and vomiting?! Get to fuck BIL, I wouldn't let him through the door again. What the hell right does he think he has to floor everyone with sickness every time he visits. Twat.

wizzywig · 19/08/2023 11:07

Maybe they want you to cancel.

panko · 19/08/2023 11:08

Nits isn't an illness

PinkiOcelot · 19/08/2023 11:14

panko · 19/08/2023 11:08

Nits isn't an illness

No they’re not, but who wants to catch them?!

I wouldn’t be happy either OP.

HowToSaveAWife · 19/08/2023 11:14

panko · 19/08/2023 11:08

Nits isn't an illness

Not exactly a wellness is it. It's a huge discomfort and inconvenience - and bloody costly and a pain in the arse to get rid of.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 19/08/2023 11:19

Crap parenting to take the kid out when she’s being sick. All she’d want is to be at home in bed.

AutumnCrow · 19/08/2023 11:20

Sounds like a visit from the Baldricks. No thanks.

Does your husband do all the preparation, mine-hosting, cooking and clearing up after his brother's mediaeval family on their visits from Dunny-on-the-Wold, OP? I suppose he could try swinging incense burners but Dettol spray might be more effective.

Pollyputthekettleonha · 19/08/2023 11:23

Colds I think are okay, kids always have them so you would never get out if you didn't go anywhere because of a cold. The rest of it YANBU.

grimf · 19/08/2023 11:40

We had this with the in laws. We told them straight that they were always ill and we wouldn't meet them whilst they were ill.

You'll have to say something unless you want to keep going on like this.

Lemondrizzleandacuppa · 19/08/2023 11:55

This would really annoy me. I agree with you that every time you are due to see them you should phone them up on the day to find out if anyone has a cold, stomach upset or other illness. I’d cancel the visit if necessary. They will probably complain about you being unreasonable (‘it’s only a cold’ etc) but it’s because nobody likes to be called out on selfish behaviour.

Your DH is probably scared to upset his brother but it’s important to try and keep your family as healthy as possible. While you can’t avoid every single little sniffle, it’s very inconsiderate of them to turn up sneezing, coughing or vomiting and spreading germs everywhere.

OhhhhhhhhBiscuits · 19/08/2023 12:06

Send them home! Tell them you are feeling too ill to host and you don't want a sickness bug in the house. They are selfish fuckers.

SunRainStorm · 19/08/2023 12:12

Selfish Twats.

Tell DH he needs to explain to his brother they aren't welcome when they are ill.

rhino12345 · 19/08/2023 12:48

We had this with my cousins when I was a kid and my mum just point blank refused to see them 🤣

sleepyscientist · 19/08/2023 12:53

COVID and colds I can stomach but sickness bugs (not she feels sick but actually been sick) and nits nope!

emizay · 19/08/2023 13:03

I agree.

I had the same issue now I'm known as "emizay too scared to get sick"

What is a common cold to me becomes so much worse, and while heavily pregnant I don't want a post nasal drip that causes me to cough violently every 20 minutes for weeks.

I' don't visit anyone when my children are sick and I expect the same.

dancinfeet · 19/08/2023 13:09

My Ex H was a selfish twat like this- he would never tell us when his other daughter was ill so my two would go to their dads for the weekend, and pick up whatever bug their little sister had. Resulting in them both missing school when they inevitably caught it, and if I then caught it to me missing work and not getting paid (I’m self employed too) - usually after I had already had a few days off to look after my ill children as the bug worked it’s way through our household. Every single time.

When my two were ill at home he was nowhere to be seen, and often I would have to manage to look after all of us single handedly whilst being ill myself, or if either of them started to feel unwell during his weekends he would bundle them up in the car and drop them straight back home- often a day or two early to avoid having to look after them.

SunRainStorm · 19/08/2023 13:16

One of my good friends did this. Would regularly show up with her children dripping with colds and a 'oh well- what can you do 🤷‍♀️' attitude.

I asked her so many times not to.

Eventually I'd had it. I opened the door to them. Saw snot running down the little ones face. Said 'oh no, he's sick we'll have to reschedule' and shut the door again.

They'd taken two buses to get to my place, but that was their problem not mine.

I was sick of losing a week of work every time when some common sense would have avoided the whole issue.

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