Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at time DH comes home

18 replies

Smilingnortherner · 19/08/2023 10:09

My DH stays out until 2 to 3am every Friday night. I know where he is and I don't think it's anything more than drinking with friends. But he gets absolutely twatted every week and the next day is a write off. It's a lonely way to start the weekend. We are married for 18 years with 3 teens and in our 40s. I'm sick of this but he just laughs it off. Am I being controlling? I think big nights alone like this shouldn't be so regular at our age and just wish it wasn't every week, or at least not so late.

OP posts:
Clickandcollect82 · 19/08/2023 10:12

What kind of example and home-life is this setting your children

both their father behaving like this
their mother accepting it
and not to mention how appalling it is for his health and all the money wasted

rubyslippers · 19/08/2023 10:15

It’s utterly selfish to do this every week
especially as it spills over into the next day
assume it ruins any family time or plans for a saturday
ita a horrible example to the kids - I’m sure they have negative thoughts about dad being passed and hungover every week

Zanatdy · 19/08/2023 10:16

Very selfish he’s still acting like he’s in early 20’s, not a married man with kids in his 40’s

Original poster
Smilingnortherner · 19/08/2023 10:28

It's probably my fault for letting the boundaries slip so far I suppose, but having let it go on so long and with him not really willing to even accept it's not fair, I worry this is it just it forever now. Thanks for replying, at least I know it's not me being mad. I'm at that age where I'm doubting myself a lot so it's good to hear I'm not being deranged to think this is out of order behaviour!

OP posts:
Clickandcollect82 · 19/08/2023 10:32

Op

don’t subject your children to this

RaininSummer · 19/08/2023 10:39

I am surprised at his age he had friends who can also do this every week or he just hanging about the pub like a bar fly talking to randoms

TetrapanaxRex · 19/08/2023 10:42

I think it's fine for him to go out every/most Friday but to be in before midnight and not to get blotto.

It's a bit cringeworthy and embarrassing to get wasted at his age to the extent that he is useless the next day.

TetrapanaxRex · 19/08/2023 10:43

RaininSummer · 19/08/2023 10:39

I am surprised at his age he had friends who can also do this every week or he just hanging about the pub like a bar fly talking to randoms

Hell be the embarrassing 'old' duffer thinking he's hip and cool and down with the youngsters.

5128gap · 19/08/2023 10:53

Unfortunately, of late the concept of being controlling has been misappropriated, and is now used against women who have any issue with anything a man might choose to do. So frightened are we of being controlling we allow ourselves to be taken advantage of, exploited and disrespected because somehow a man's right to do exactly as he pleases is more important than our right to decide what we want our relationship to look like.
We agonise about whether we're reasonable or not and look to others to tell us whether we are entitled to object. The fact is OP, you have every right to object to any behaviour you dislike. You have ever right to tell your husband if it continues its a deal breaker. What he wants is no more important than what you want.
In this case many women would also object. But there will be those who wouldn't. No doubt your husband will give you examples of these to claim you're unreasonable. They're irrelevant. Set the boundaries right for you.

Original poster
Smilingnortherner · 19/08/2023 10:59

It's mostly older men, big drinkers, single, no other reason to go home. Not sure if that's better or worse though. It's a real locals pub, everyone knows each other. It's not trendy, it's just old farts getting drunk and talking rubbish for hours. Some of them are married and he uses that as an reason why it's normal, because 'so-and-so's wife doesn't mind. It would be innocent enough if it was a few after work, its just the amount of alcohol he drinks and the time he comes in it too much. I question myself why he would rather do that than come home though

OP posts:
Original poster
Smilingnortherner · 19/08/2023 11:01

I don't know how to reply to individual message but 5128gap you are so completely right
.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 19/08/2023 11:07

Why question yourself? He doesn’t like home life, you, or the children. He chooses to spend his “personal time” with old, male, drunks because he is more comfortable blotto and talking shit with other men than spending time with you. You are just in your forties—why not consider getting a husband who actually wants to be in a romantic relationship with you?

I’m in my sixties//old, fat, etc.. and my husband would rather be home reading a book next to me, or shagging me, than out with some guys drinking. Its no reflection on you! Its just who and what the guy is! You can’t change him. He thinks its an argument to be won but its really a life choice.

BibbleandSqwauk · 19/08/2023 11:16

It's not on Op, but hard to demonstrate why unless there are specific examples..for instance if it falls to you to do all the housework or running the kids about or errands on a Saturday because he's hungover you can say..I had to do all of x,y and z and that's not fair. On the other hand if your kids are just doing their own thing and you're pottering about likewise it's hard for you to say he should have been doing X for the family. Is he missing specific things?

Original poster
Smilingnortherner · 19/08/2023 11:21

Not missing specific things, just time really. I'm lonely every Friday and he's not fully 'with us' until later in the day Saturday. He's not a slacker around the house or with the kids the rest of the time, it's just feels like a big chunk of every weekend

OP posts:
CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 19/08/2023 11:23

I wouldn't like it but I think (to avoid a full blown argument) maybe pin it down to what you don't like.

Is it the freedom to automatically decide he's going out without considering the family?
Is it the amount of money spent on alcohol to where he's wasted?
Is it that Saturday is a total washout due to hangover?
Is it the culmination of years of anger and resentment that he behaves like a single man with no thought of family life?
Would you be able to go out on a Friday night without thought to fhe family?

Aria2015 · 19/08/2023 11:29

Every week is ridiculous. Dh and I are in our 40's and we may have a late night out like that 1 or 2 times a year max! Maybe a Christmas work do or similar.

From a family perspective to lose a day every weekend with a hangover is an absolute waste, sets an awful example to your teens and shows zero consideration for you.

I'd be dishing out some hard ultimatums if I were you!

InBedBy10 · 19/08/2023 11:38

The going out every Friday wouldn't bother me. The being totally useless The next day would. He needs to learn how to have a few drinks without ending up totally shit faced.

Can you have a conversation about this? If he sees no wrong in what he's doing I don't know where you go from here. From the sounds of it everything else in your relationship is fine so I don't think LTB applys here.

Do you have any friends you could go out with on the Friday night or even do something with on the Saturday day. Don't hang around waiting for him because that will only cause resentment for you.

strawberry2017 · 19/08/2023 12:25

He's acting like a man child. I would tell my husband to fuck off if he was behaving like that. So unattractive

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread