How is contact going to work when other parents lives so far away?

[MBailey99]

Son has been having supervised contact with his dad. I am trying to get over the idea of sending my child to his abusive parent for every other birthday and Christmas, but what I'm more concerned about is how regular contact is going to work. He lives 3 hours away when traffic is good, 4+ in rush hour traffic. Son is starting school in September. Will the court be happy with him picking him up after school on a Friday, driving potentially 4 hours home, then having a day together on Saturday, to then drive another 3/4 hours home on a Sunday back in time to have a good night of sleep before school on Monday? Obviously I will have to just grit my teeth and get on with it, however I know my son will find this very difficult. Would it be realistic to do this every other weekend? Does anyone have any other suggestions as I am being asked what my proposals would be? I don't want to get in the way of them having contact but having been abused for so many years and finding this quite emotionally difficult, I could use some unbiased opinions.

That should say other parent not other parents.

Who moved away?

Who moved away?

It took a couple of months of doing pretty much exactly as you describe, then xh decided it wasn't going to work for him. He dropped contact to school holidays only. Once DD became a teenager, she further reduced it as she didn't want to spend too much of half terms away from her friends, so now only sees him Christmas, summer and Easter.

I moved away, however it was due to domestic abuse and to be closer to my family. I had a non molestation order in place and had to get a further two because he kept breaking them. I was isolated in a city that his family lived in but not mine.

The courts have put in writing that moving away was the only safe option I had therefore this would not be a deciding factor regarding who has to travel and all travel requirements are the responsibility of the father.

Ok leaving aside the issue of abuse etc and purely talking about logistics, the way round for us was that my ex travelled and saw the children at a place near where I live. Either with relatives or renting a small place. I don't know what the circumstances are in your case obviously but it avoided the children having to travel long distances just for weekends. School holidays they would travel to his place as it was for longer stints and so worth it.

If it is going to be your child travelling then you have the "who moved?" question but that isn't as cut and dried as some people on here like to think. The RP may have moved for very good reason such as day to day family support they wouldn't get from the NRP, or for affordable housing or a job that allows them to be a successful single parent. If the ex wasn't doing much parenting anyway, the idea that the RP has somehow "stolen" the child away is a red herring and given that they are doing basically all of the parenting, it's not always the case that they should also do half or all of the travelling.

Can I ask how you coped with being away from her at Christmas? This is inevitable but I am certainly going to find it hard!

Then I would say he needs to accept responsibility for all travel and adhere to your timetable for contact. When it suits you and the kids, and not him.

He caused this so he needs to deal with all negative impacts of his behaviour.

I was with someone years ago who used to drive about that to pick dcs up every other friday and took them back Sunday afternoon

My ex moved to another country so only sees the dc in holidays now

Did he move away?

And your kids shouldn't have to bear the stress of an 8 hour round trip for one night with their dad.

He should pay for a b&b nearby and spend days with them then return them home if that's what is in the child's best interest.

Just seen your update. I took the Christmasses and time without them as opportunities for a break, to do adult things, to slowly build a new relationship over years with a very patient and understanding man. It may seem impossible to imagine but there are some upsides to having a break (though I appreciate your ex is clearly not someone you can easily co-parent with).

How often are these weekends proposed for OP?

Appreciate your reasons for moving, I really wanted to move back to my family 4hrs away after splitting with ex but decided it was the children who would have to suffer the long journeys and knowing how hard it is, I decided to stay near their dad. Court will deem it acceptable yes

Oh sorry you asked re EOW.

Unfortunately it's the courts who decide, and not me otherwise I would suggest seeing him regularly near our home for a day every other week, or maybe over a weekend once a month rather than every other week, then the other week in the community near us. But it is really difficult to know what the answer is.

This feels like a bit of a dig but forgive me if I am wrong. I moved away because I had just given birth and was completely isolated and broken. I didn't want to be near a man who would regularly rape me. He hasn't had any sort of contact for 4 years. I wasn't going to hang around there in case he might get contact one day. The upsides of my son having a wonderful relationship with his grandparents and extended family, me having childcare, and being around all my friends massively outweighed the upside of him potentially not having to travel every other weekend a few years down the line.

My kids did that for a while then started to refuse to go. Luckily xh agreed that it was ridiculous and tough so moved to a more reasonable distance away. Will it take 3-4 hours Friday rush hour? Mine picked up first thing on Saturday because the kids would have slept in the car and been awake all night.
If my ex hadn't moved closer then contact would have been half term and schooL holidays or once every 3 or 4 weeks imo.

We alternate, so the first year without her was dreadful. She was gone 23rd to 27th. I think Christmas Eve was worse than Christmas day. I spend Christmas Day alone when she's not with me and that first year, just cried tbh. The next and subsequent times however, I was braced for it and determined to not be so bloody wet (literally!) So I get lots of lovely things to eat and drink, buy myself some presents and try to see the positives. It does get easier.

I had my dd every other Christmas - at first it was very hard. The first year, I got drunk and spent the day in bed!
the next year (ie 2 years later) my and my new DH had a lovely day at home and had a family Christmas Day on Boxing Day.
Dd would be picked up at noon on Christmas Eve, spend Christmas with one parent then be picked up at noon on Boxing Day. It worked for 20 years!

It certainly wasn’t a dig, just a decision I took. Appreciate your circumstances are very different. Definitely the right decision for you to move, downside of course if your son having to do the travelling. I don’t see a way around that if dads insisting on contact with him. It is going to be tough on him and I assume dad won’t be receptive to him seeing him for the day etc to save the child travelling?

I doubt it very much. He is insisting from what I can tall on every other weekend Friday to Sunday and half the holidays, which he won't cope with as he doesn't with his older daughter and she is always left with his dad who is also abusive and has been deemed in our case to be unfit to supervise contact or she goes to her grandma and sits with her whilst she is at work.

@zanatdy sorry I took your post the wrong way. I really appreciate everyone's advice. Just a difficult situation.

No apology necessary. I hope dad will get tired of the frequent journeys and leave contact for holidays

To add, he would have to take his 13 year old daughter with him so it would be at least a 7 hour round trip for her each way, as he wants to have our son the same weekends he has her. It's none of my business what his agreement with her mum is but it seems unfair. She also has school where he picks her up at 3 so no idea how he would get to us for a decent pickup time.