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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I message her on Instagram and tell her about man who raped me?

15 replies

Scaredandfragile23 · 18/08/2023 15:01

I was raped 2 years ago at university by a man who is now pretty successful. He’s good looking, he could get anything he wants and get away with everything. After a night out he banged on my bedroom door and I opened the door, he forced his way in and I said no, but it was too late and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. I didn’t do anything about it, but I became a much quieter and more reserved person after it. I recently seen him on a dating site after finally feeling ready to trust a man again which really triggered me. Then on Instagram I see his name pop up next to a girl I know from university. I’m thinking about messaging her to warn her of this man. Am I wasting my time? I just feel like something needs to be done. I’m shaking thinking about it all again.

OP posts:

KinooOrKinog · 18/08/2023 15:09

I'm sorry you had to go through that. It must have been awful. I'm assuming you didn't report it at the time?

When you say that you saw his name pop up next to a girl you know, what do you mean? Are they a couple?

DinoRoar14 · 18/08/2023 15:10

Would this put you in danger if he were to find our?
Also how would it effect your mental health if she were to not believe you?

TetrapanaxRex · 18/08/2023 15:26

Sadly because it went unreported if the woman thinks you are just being jealous and shows him and he can identify you, he may call the police on you for making defamatory remarks.

Original poster

Scaredandfragile23 · 18/08/2023 15:34

I’ve seen his likes in her pictures, it was just a recent one then I looked through her other recent ones and found his name in her likes too.

yes I think I’d be too scared to tell her on my account, as I know he would just tell her I’m crazy or something. I was thinking I’d make an anonymous account to message her on there?

OP posts:

KinooOrKinog · 18/08/2023 15:40

It's difficult, but I think you would be better just blocking him on Instagram, the dating site and anywhere else. It's probably unlikely she'll believe you.

Nagado · 18/08/2023 15:45

I think it would be a brave and good thing to do. But… I would speak to Rape Crisis first. They’ll be very experienced and will be able to point out things that people on here might not have thought of. The most important thing is your safety. He’s going to deny it and claim that it’s a jealous ex, regardless of what you say to her. And if he’s turned on the charm and convinced her he’s a decent man, she’s probably not going to believe you. So the most important thing is making sure that you aren’t going to suffer by warning her.

Aprilx · 18/08/2023 15:45

I think if you want to do something, you should do it in an official capacity. I can’t see any way in which contacting this woman is going to end well for you.

YukoandHiro · 18/08/2023 15:48

I think reporting him would be the best thing to do. That's just a first step. You don't have to do anything else; but making the statement might be the important thing you do to protect other women

LlynTegid · 18/08/2023 15:49

Please go to the police and report it.

ThreeLittleDots · 18/08/2023 15:49

If you do it from a fake account she won't believe you.

I'd make a police report.

Lenald2512 · 18/08/2023 15:51

Speak to rape crisis before you report it.
In fact speak to them before you decide to do anything. I’m so sorry this happened to you ❤️

drpet49 · 18/08/2023 15:51

Aprilx · 18/08/2023 15:45

I think if you want to do something, you should do it in an official capacity. I can’t see any way in which contacting this woman is going to end well for you.

This

WhateverMate · 18/08/2023 15:53

Scaredandfragile23 · 18/08/2023 15:34

I’ve seen his likes in her pictures, it was just a recent one then I looked through her other recent ones and found his name in her likes too.

yes I think I’d be too scared to tell her on my account, as I know he would just tell her I’m crazy or something. I was thinking I’d make an anonymous account to message her on there?

I’d worry that might get you into trouble as without proof it might be seen as slanderous or something.

GodspeedJune · 18/08/2023 15:54

Sending you love and solidarity

I don’t think messaging this woman will help you. I would block him on all social media so you don’t have to see him and what he’s up to.

Do you have anyone you can confide in about this? I highly recommend counsellors who specialise in this type of trauma. Rape crisis are also excellent but I think their support is limited to a 40 minute call each time. They can talk to you now if you’re feeling shaken though.

I know people mean well but it’s not fair to ask the OP to report it. The conviction rate is appalling and I wouldn’t blame the OP at all if she couldn’t face it. I did report my own rape to the police and it still didn’t get justice for me.

Thatcat · 18/08/2023 15:56

I’m so sorry that happened @Scaredandfragile23
I hope you’re finding or will find a way to heal.

Honestly OP, I’d feel tempted to, but it almost certainly won’t turn out well. If he’s ill enough to do what he did, then he’s ill enough to lie. You not being believed is another hurtful thing which you don’t need.

I would take the advice of previous posters - talk with rape crisis and then the police. It’s not too late to at least have a record if anyone reports predatory behaviour by him again. Take care

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