Deal breaker regarding sex? Or lack of...

[hungrycaterpilla22]

Don't know how to fix this or if it even is fixable to be honest. My dh is 10 years older than me - he's 50, I'm approaching 40. It's the same old story that I've seen on here many times before. He doesn't want as much sex as me. He has ED issues and uses viagra which sex between us is never spontaneous and has to be pre planned.

Mostly I can cope with this. But lately it's getting me down. During ovulation I can get seriously horny and super attracted to him to the point where I feel like I'm going a bit mad if we can't dtd. Suspect it's hormones having one last surge as I approach peri!! We had a holiday last week with the dc, really busy and no time for sex but on the last night when they were in bed I thought maybe I'd try for a cuddle but he just isn't interested and I end up feeling rejected and totally deflated. I don't push too hard because if he can't then I know it will lead to embarrassment on his part so in the end I just went to bed feeling sad and frustrated.

We had an awful row the other week and I ended up using the word impotent as an insult and I felt (and still feel) absolutely awful about it. It was unforgivable but I feel like the frustration of it all it sending me utterly crazy.

I know people will say leave, we're not compatible etc. but I love him and we are otherwise happy. It just feels like sex has created this huge gap between us. We don't communicate about it. He doesn't see it as an issue because we do it maybe once or twice a month on a pre planned basis so he feels he's fulfilling his obligations. But I want more intimacy and communication. Doesn't even need to be full sex but I can't even begin to talk to him openly about it because sex has become a taboo subject between us.

What can I do to improve this? I don't want this to be the beginning of the end of my sex life but I can only see things getting worse not better if we carry on like this :(

But I want more intimacy and communication.

This is the issue really, more than the sex itself. Has he actually seen a GP about the ED?

Q - on the last night when they were in bed I thought maybe I'd try for a cuddle but he just isn't interested and I end up feeling rejected Do you mean you just wanted a cuddle and were rejected or were you angling for some sexual activity which he rejected?

I'd never say leave, in sickness and in health and all that.....

He's probably feeling pretty shite for not being able to be spontaneous so I'd recommend not making him feel worse - definitely apologise for the wording you used.

I think you both need to talk about how it makes you both feel and you need to stress how much you just want to feel closer if that's the case.

As for what you can do - regular foreplay, toys, kissing, massages, he can still do stuff on you, oral etc. Then ok not great but plan nights for the deed so he knows when to be prepared as it were.

He has seen a GP when he first got the viagra prescribed so it's clearly an issue he recognises and he is trying to sort it in a way. But I do think the embarrassment factor prevents him from talking about it too much to me.

We were on the sofa and I was cuddling up and just hoping to see where it led but he kept fidgeting and sighing and making it obvious he'd rather just sit alone. It's like that a lot. I am very reluctant to fully attempt to initiate sex because I know if he can't or doesn't want to it will just end with him being embarrassed and/or me feeling pissed off and rejected.

I have apologised, I instantly felt terrible but the frustration is making me act like someone I don't particularly like. It just feels like a huge part of our relationship is missing.

IMHO not being able to have intercourse is not the same as not being attracted to you to have kiss and cuddle.
What does he say to that?

@hungrycaterpilla22 my thinking was that if he's worried a cuddle will lead to you initiating sex and he feels he can't perform then he's likely to reject the cuddle, so it's important for partners to be able to sign up to 'just a cuddle without then being pressured into sex/ual activity after all.

It does sounds as though a repeat visit to the GP would be in order. Once a month for a 50 year who is otherwise in good health doesn't sound like a lot.

I'd be hoping that if the spirit was willing but the flesh was weak, so to speak, he'd at least try to satisfy you and find other ways to play.

The key thing is the shutting off. You need to be able to find ways to talk about this together not in a fit of anger where you say hurtful things you regret.

Would he consider couples' counselling?

The phrase 'if the spirit was willing' is so accurate. This is what gets to me. If it were just the physical issues I could understand. But he just doesn't seem interested in any kind of sexual behaviour. He's pretty tactile, loving in other ways (usually - the sofa cuddle thing on holiday wasnt like him) but it's always on a platonic sort of level. A quick peck on the head or a cuddle from behind while I'm washing up, those sort of things, nothing sexual.

So maybe it really is just that he's not interested in me in that way. I know he occasionally masturbates too which makes it even worse. I fully understand that the pressure to perform isn't there with masturbation but it shows that he does have sexual feelings/desires but just doesn't want to utilise them with me any more often than he feels obligated to. How depressing is that.