DP exaggerating during stressful times

[Mcgonigles]

DP has got a habit of exaggerating at times of stress, I don't know why he does it but it only makes matters worse.

This morning autistic DD was going into meltdown and threw her ipad and toy at the wall. Whilst I'm picking those up, so have my hands full, she threw her full bowl of coco pops from the table onto the floor and all over a new-ish rug. DP who was sitting right near her and had nothing in his hands therefore could have intervened, automatically concludes that it's "fucked" now and we might aswell "burn it"

It's not "fucked" and was easy to clean up.

More of the same when she knocked her galaxy projector off it's stand. He automatically declared that it's smashed, broken and no longer works. He tells her that she doesn't have her stars anymore. He didn't even bother testing it.

It's not smashed or broken and works just fine.

I will admit I snapped and told him to stop dramatising as it's just adding fuel to the fire, he always does this, usually calling out from another room so I panic and rush in to check the damage.

There has been so many occasions like this where he has claimed XYZ is broken, smashed etc when it isn't.

AIBU to find this incredibly childish? Why does he do it?

I am very similar (although I don’t shout) and if I drop my phone I will instantly say “oh no I’ve broken my phone”. I think it’s expecting the worst and also stems from my father who would hit the roof about any damage (or perceived damage) when I was younger. I had to walk on egg shells around him and now I worry about everything.

I’m learning to relax a bit now and it’s refreshing being able to drop something without being smacked but my partner does comment on me overexaggerating in the moment. I’m autistic too and under 25 so I’m hoping by the time I have kids I’ll have dropped the habit completely.

This reminds me so much of my ex husband. Everything always had to be a disaster and unfixable in his eyes. We too had an autistic child and he struggled to deal with that in many ways. 10 years out of that marriage and I'm still not sure why he was like that. My instinct with him is that it was for attention. Having an autistic child took up a lot of time and energy that he thought should be saved for him. His catastrophising generally only happened if he had an audience, and increased if I was taken up with the kids. I feel for you. It's exhausting to listen to, and generally means he'll sit back and let you deal with the consequences.

Catastrophising! CBT can help with changing thought processes around things, but it may be they it's more of a reaction to being 'triggered' if it's confined to things being broken and not elsewhere in his life.

Is this exaggerating/catastrophising only in relation to things your autistic child has done or it’s all the things all the time I.e if he does something clumsy he immediately declares he’s utterly destroyed the thing, if he walked in and found you struggling with the dishwasher door sticking he’d immediately declare its fucked and a new one will have to be bought?

Thank you for the replies!

He's like it with everything not just things centered around DD's meltdowns and things getting broken that way. As PP you asked, does he catastrophise if he does something clumsy - yep, every time.

I've lost count of the amount of dinners that were "fucked" that absolutely weren't.

His games console is another one. That's always fucked and broken, except it isn't.

It really frustrates me and feels like he's trying to get me more worked up than I already am in stressful situations.

he's potentially undiagnosed autistic himself and employing a bit of black and white (rigid) thinking (said as an undiagnosed autistic parent who recognises a lot of her own behaviours here, and has had to really work hard to not catastrophise every such scenario)

My brother does this and it drives me mad - I’ll be in the next room and suddenly hear a massive drama and think something terrible has happened. But no, he’s just blowing things out of proportion and catastrophising.

he has significant anxiety and has had cbt and therapy. I’ve always believed the 2 are related.

Interesting. DH is similar and we also have an autistic child. Though with DH I think he is very anxious generally, as am I, but in a different way.

I have autism and I must admit I’m guilty of this. And Ds has quite complex and severe autism and when he was younger and had meltdowns the noise and unpredictable nature of it used to send me over the edge mentally as well. It was like someone flicking a switch in my head that sent me from calm to complete rage. I found it very hard to cope with - thankfully as he’s got older and we’ve been able to understand his triggers more things have got better for all of us.

usually calling out from another room so I panic and rush in to check the damage

Well don't! Don't rush in to check. You know he exaggerates so you know the item is most likely not fucked.
I mean, I get it's really annoying. But that's the way he is. Maybe have a chat with him to explain that it just makes the situation worse with your DD if he overreacts and could he please stop saying things are fucked/smashed etc when they aren't.
But if he continues you'll just have to completely ignore it - it's obviously stressing you out. Try not to panic - it's obviously happened enough now for you to have the experience that the absolute majority of the time the thing is not broken.

My DH is autistic and always assumes the worst in any scenario. It's one of the few things that really annoys me about him. If we are walking in the country, h'e'll say 'Oh no, the path runs out here. We have to turn back" Or 'That gate will be locked, we mustn't open it' and I'll walk on to discover the path continues, the gate is open etc.

It sounds like a personality trait. He too may have mild autism, as it is often genetic. Hard as it is for you in times of stress, but can you just calmly say, 'You think so? Can you check if it's broken?' I do tease DH and say, 'Oh Doom!' whenever he assumes the worst and over the years he has come to realise what he does and does it less often.

To be fair I'd think the exact same about milk on a rug

I'd feel like him tbf. Yabu.

First of all he needs educating on ASD.. that's no way to speak to an Autistic child.. I'm heartbroken for your child..

Do you think his over exaggerating is a way of you coming to clear up the mess/fix the supposedly broken thing so he doesn't have to?
Next time he does it, or calls out from another room that 'x is fucked' just give a non committal 'oh dear, never mind, you pick up the pieces and I'll have a look online for a new one'.
Don't bother trying to fix stuff when he says it's 'fucked', take his word for it and start looking for a replacement. I'd probably comment on how expensive a new 'x' would be, but 'never mind accidents happen'.
He's dramatising so you come in to clear up/fix thing.

It's quite a common autistic trait, he's probably undiagnosed autistic. He could work on it though, it's possible to get better at this.

DP is like this: catastrophises and doom and glooms. He gets it from his parents, who’ve never met a scenario they can’t turn negative. We’ve had “this is too many chips” in the pub; tell them anything, eg “we’re having people round for a barbecue” and it’s “the trains probably aren’t running so no one will make it, but if they do it’ll rain. Anyway, hope no one gets food poisoning”.

He grew up with this constant negative messaging and as a result leaps straight for the worst-case scenario. Fucking annoying.