How to get a life?

[Xztop]

AIBU to think it can be hard?!

I'm a single parent to dd who is 14. I'm skint! I pay the the mortgage and bills and then have about £100 left per month. I literally have no life! I do nothing. I see my friends about 3 time a year as they don't live nearby. I do have a boyfriend but he's just moved to the otherwise of the country for work so I only see him every 2 weeks.
I have no interests, no hobbies, all I do is work, walk my dogs and scroll on my phone! I'm sick of it but don't know how to change it? Any suggestions welcome! Help!

Get off MumsNet !

Walking your dogs is a great hobby, really good for you. Could you occasionally plan a treat walk for them so you walk somewhere different?

I would think a few smaller changes would make you feel more productive, maybe a bit of Duolingo between scrolling, do you have a garden to potter in? Get some ideas from the library?

Also, isn't there a website for making friends, like joining a club? Could you be tempted with running?

I do take my dogs somewhere different sometimes which makes a nice change.

I'm not sure about any groups for meeting people, I'll have a look, thank you! I'm really shy which doesn't help.

I tried doing couch to 5k once and ended up with a torn ligament in my knee so don't think running is for me but thanks for the suggestion!

Ironically I’m posting this on my phone but I truly believe that getting off your phone so much is step one. How many minutes a day are you on it, honestly? That’s all dead time and (speaking personally) I know that when I’m on my phone too much I feel really lacking in energy and gumption. They’re addictive.

Have you had hobbies in the past? That might be a good place to start.

Yoga is a great hobby- good for you in every way, it brings your mind and body back together.

I am wondering if, as a single parent, you had no time to even think about this for a really long time. That you’ve forgotten what you really love? Maybe you could try to find it again. What did you do when you were younger? What brings you joy? Some find the Marie Kondo clear out helps with this but I appreciate it isn’t for everyone.

Being skint is rotten. But there is so much info out there to be had for free, once you have some ideas. Library, ebooks via library. Online courses? Is there anything related to your work you’d like to learn? Or totally different?

Good luck and I hope you find some new adventures x

Would you consider joining a group, like the WI? I believe there is an annual subscription but it's not too steep, if you could save a few quid towards it each month. It might not be riotous, but would get you out and about. Likewise amateur dramatics groups are good for being amongst people and creating a feeling of purpose.

OP - there is a saying that happiness is not (or shouldn't be) an aim in itself. It's a by-product of other aims. I've always found this to be a really good piece of advice in my life - I think it might be a Buddhist idea??

In practice this means - do something because you really want to do it, not because you are trying to be happier or make friends. Join some kind of hobby group if you can, or volunteer if you have time, from a genuine interest (and not just to make friends). I pretty much guarantee you WILL make new friends though. I think the problem shy people have when they join groups is prioritising making friends before the hobby itself. If you do something you love or have a real interest in you will almost certainly make friends in a natural, 'organic' way, rather than rushing things.

Is there an art class, a community choir, a local wildlife reserve or other volunteer opportunity? A book group? A food bank? A community garden? All of these are great in themselves and the people tend to be nice, genuine sorts.

Good luck! I think: do something rather than nothing and if the first plan doesn't work out, shrug and try another!

Thank you all so much for you lovely comments and suggestions!

I've never really had any hobbies but I love animals so could maybe look at volunteering at a rescue and yoga is a good idea and I'll look into that.

I think as well, now dd is older and doesn't need me to take her out etc I've kind of become redundant and its made the fact I'm a boring cow with no life more obvious lol!

You need to have a good think about yourself.
Its very easy to fall into the trap of spending time doing what other people want or need, or in opportunist or easy access activities, and lose sight of what really makes you happy.
What are you interested in? What makes you laugh? When you're happy and content, excited or energised, what are (or were) you doing?
Start there and when you've identified those things you'll be clearer about what sort of life you're aiming for. Its very hard to achieve a goal so generic as 'getting a life' so hone in on what that would look like first.

Op, animal volunteering sounds like a great idea. Your dogs are getting you out too

Things that are easy to get into are cycling, swimming, gym maybe. Bikes can be bought secondhand, just research first

Things you can do at home like painting, gardening or indoor plants, sewing clothes

Social things could be a class, volunteering (as you know), or a sports one if you're brave

Your dd is independent but I bet she'd love to go on a day out to somewhere like a theme park with you, or the beach maybe?

Money is limited, which is tricky, but plenty can be done at low cost/free

Volunteering sites are so good. I did some volunteering and everyone is so friendly and it was a lot of fun. It builds your confidence to do other things after you've been sitting around for a while

Books from the library? (Makes a change from going on the phone)

Find a good TV series to get into

Definitely recommend volunteering, you always end up getting at least as much out of it as you put in

Set yourself a declutter challenge and see what you can sell ? The cash can be used for little treats/adventures?

What job do you do? Could you spend some free time training/upskilling to improve your financial situation ?

Message friends you have lost touch with and organise to catch up?

It's tough, when you don't have any time to yourself you forget all the ways you can spend it!

Volunteering is a great way to meet new people and do something that makes you feel good too. I’ve been volunteering for 5 years this year and I’ve met all manner of people from different areas and all have different outlooks on life. It is incredibly interesting, but as it’s a homeless charity and community pantry it is also incredibly sad, but that makes it all the more rewarding for me. I never saw the point in voluntary work until I began doing it, as I’d lost who I was and had just comes ‘mum’. This gave me a part of me back. I hope you can find that part of you that isn’t just ‘mum’ and you can be yourself again. Good luck

If it’s an option near you, I think my answer might be to join a library. Lose yourself in the wonder of books for a while. It makes the everyday more copeable with here. Sending solidarity, OP.

Check out the library. It might have a directory of local groups. Mine does. There are at least 2 or 3 different hobby groups there every day, and they have a folder where other local groups can put a flyer or something to advertise.

Fellow mum of teenagers here!

I would say you need to build your friendships up. Loneliness kills at the same rate of smoking.

I see friends for swimming, walks, nights out and nights in. I'd be up shit creeks without my mates.

You could join a local amateur choir group (even if you've never sung before) or an amateur theatrical group - people at those sort of groups are very friendly and it doesn't cost. Singing is good for you!

See if your library has reading groups. Great way to meet people. Does your town have a fb group. Do a search and See if anyone wants to meet up for dog walks and a coffee. Meetup is a good site for finding like minded groups in your area.

I know what you mean, when your kids don’t need you so much you re look at your life and can seem a bit empty and you forget what you used to do for yourself! I’m not a single parent but my oh work’s permanent night shift so all my after work social time I’m a taxi service for my tween/teen kids and then I’m on my own. I’m not short of friends but do struggle to meet them as don’t have childcare on an evening and they’re still a bit young to leave for long periods. I’ve joined a gym this year which has given me a bit of purpose and can fit classes round my kids activities and feel better for it. I can’t say I’ve made new friends as such but some of my friends have joined too and as we’re all busy we don’t often get the chance to go together so chat to other people and have met up with old friends there I haven’t seen in years. I also took up crochet during lockdown which makes me put my phone down and do something more productive and creative than mindless scrolling! Also have a look on fb to see what groups exist nearby and see if any appeal to you, such as walking groups where you could go out with your dog?

I second the choir idea too. I have made loads of friends through Rock Choir. Don't need to be a good singer. No auditions.

Full time-working, single mum here too. DS is a teen so doesn't need me so much. I joined the parish council thinking it would get me out of the house one evening a month, and introduce me to a few new people. I've only been a member two months and already been to three parties. 🙂

You have a great opportunity to try some new (low cost) activities.

Oh wow! I've always wondered about joining a parish council, it's definitely on my list of things I'd be interested in doing.

Did you have to stand for election?

If you're in an area with a brass band and are musically-minded, you can usually learn an instrument for free with them. They should loan you an instrument at no cost too. Lots of people start later in life. We have an excellent, thriving brass band fairly locally that have a wide range of ages in the beginners band.