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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to suggest he pays maintenance over summer?

21 replies

Smfedup · 18/08/2023 08:27

I share DD8 with ex partner; he used to have DD 2-3 times a week and paid maintenance, but ran into financial difficulty so towards the end of last year I suggested he have DD 50/50 so he wouldn’t have to pay maintenance as he had run 3 months behind in payments.

Most of the time, this was fine. I’m self employed and WFH so I find myself working around his shifts a lot, getting DD from school until 7pm when he finishes work and collecting her, but some weeks he did have her a solid 3 nights in a row with no assistance needed from me, although it was fairly rare.

Ex has now started a new job which is higher up profession and has not had DD now 50/50 for weeks, since before school holidays started. I suggested the other day that he should pay maintenance again, especially as he now hasn’t had her overnight in 2 weeks after a combination of him being unwell and me going away for 3 days.

This didn’t go well, I got the usual barrage of abuse, I’m a pathological liar, I don’t see how hard he tries with DD.. all I see is how much I’m caring for her when he isn’t so it’s hard to see how much he tries to say he does. He didn’t book any time off over summer holidays because “of his new job”, yet he has never booked any time off over any school holidays EVER.

Im wondering how far I’d get witj CMS if I tried to put a claim in; this weekend for example he’s having DD 3 nights but 2 of those days he’s working so she will be here the entire day until 7pm, but technically he is having her “nights”, which is putting her to bed and getting her up for breakfast before dropping her back. AIBU to put a claim in?

OP posts:
Wozzzzzaa · 18/08/2023 08:30

Well, it's not actually 50/50 if she's at yours for most of the day. What would happen if you told him he needed to sort out his own childcare during the days he has DD?

Wozzzzzaa · 18/08/2023 08:30

Yanbu btw

User63847484848 · 18/08/2023 08:32

I’m no expert but I think their calculator is quite crude and simply looks at number of overnights. So not sure it will be relevant that she’s with you the whole day either side.

Original poster
Smfedup · 18/08/2023 08:32

Wozzzzzaa · 18/08/2023 08:30

Well, it's not actually 50/50 if she's at yours for most of the day. What would happen if you told him he needed to sort out his own childcare during the days he has DD?

He wouldn’t be able to; his family isn’t reliable and mine is over an hour away and still working themselves. He would need to put her in some sort of summer club which he’d say he wouldn’t be able to afford. I get lumped with it all because I work from home and then my business suffers because I don’t have the time I need with DD at home.

OP posts:
Igmum · 18/08/2023 08:34

YADNBU. Sounds like you're his unpaid childcare as well as being the butt of his abuse. Can you tell him that if he has her overnight he must have her during the day, or organise and pay for childcare like every other normal parent?

panko · 18/08/2023 08:35

Put a claim in and say you've decided to let CMS deal with it. They look at number of overnights over a year. So if he's not doing them in the holidays take that into account

Original poster
Smfedup · 18/08/2023 08:38

I could try and tell him he has to have DD during the day too but it wouldn’t change anything, he’d probably just stop having her altogether. The CMS service just sets it up for failure really, he could collect her at 8pm half the week and drop her back off first thing and technically he’d still be doing his 50/50 in their eyes.

OP posts:
FluffyUnicorn84 · 18/08/2023 08:40

I don't think the crude online calculator is the same as an actual claim, it's just their to give you ideas

pickledandpuzzled · 18/08/2023 08:50

So you have to stop doing that OP. Your are facilitating him not contributing to his dc. If he has her overnight then he is responsible for the whole period.

GrumpyPanda · 18/08/2023 08:51

Smfedup · 18/08/2023 08:38

I could try and tell him he has to have DD during the day too but it wouldn’t change anything, he’d probably just stop having her altogether. The CMS service just sets it up for failure really, he could collect her at 8pm half the week and drop her back off first thing and technically he’d still be doing his 50/50 in their eyes.

"He could collect her" - well that's only if you go along with it isn't it? Outrageous of him to dump her on you while you're actually working.

Yes you should tell him he needs to have her days. Just blame it on your employer. If he does stop overnights in reaction at least you can legitimately ask for maintenance and use it to help pay for childcare.

Daffodilwoman · 18/08/2023 08:55

Go through the CMS. Let them try and sort it although be prepared, they favour the NRP most of the time.

Anothernamethesamegame · 18/08/2023 08:56

Smfedup · 18/08/2023 08:38

I could try and tell him he has to have DD during the day too but it wouldn’t change anything, he’d probably just stop having her altogether. The CMS service just sets it up for failure really, he could collect her at 8pm half the week and drop her back off first thing and technically he’d still be doing his 50/50 in their eyes.

That’s really shit!

I think the answer is to stop facilitating him doing this and get a more formal agreement around what days he has her. On his days he HAS to sort childcare. Don’t step in to support by having her in the day. Then he has to decide if he wants 50/50 with all that entails or if he wants less and to pay CMA.

YourNameGoesHere · 18/08/2023 09:01

What does she actually get from going to his house if she's not collected until 7pm and is then dropped off first thing in the morning? She's not spending any time with him when she's asleep so it seems bloody daft to send her for overnights.

I'd be reinstating the CMS claim, so what if he then threatens to stop seeing her it's not like he's seeing her now.

GlazedEggs · 18/08/2023 09:02

My friend had this with her ex, the 50/50 but UG was rarely that. The child is now in his twenties and I dread to think how much CM is really owed. Put in a claim.

AmeIia · 18/08/2023 09:03

He can't have her while he's working, and if you were working from an office you couldn't have her either, so she would be in childcare of some form, then he would collect her from there so it's still his nights with her. The fact that you WFH and can have her in the day is a bonus, but I don't think you can use that against him. Anyone who works other than WFH will be in the same position as him.

You also mention he hasn't had her overnight like he should have for 2 weeks, he was sick and then you were away.......surely that's common sense!

BibbleandSqwauk · 18/08/2023 09:03

The online calculator is exactly the same as what they use. You don't get an extra level of discussion or fine tuning with a claim. My ex probably has them just over 52 nights a year in total but not the 2-3 nights a week "band" that that implies. It's a week here and there, so doesn't really save me anything financially and he had no responsibility for day to day uniform or kit or food on a regular basis.
I'd tell your ex he either has her for the daytime and night (and pay for childcare if needed) to make the actual time he has her commensurate with the notional maintenance or he acknowledges that the night time only thing is a loophole and pays you properly whilst NOT being "inconvenienced" by parenthood.

BibbleandSqwauk · 18/08/2023 09:06

@AmeIia ooh good, we can opt out of parenting when sick?? Excellent. I never knew that. Also, if he has to pay childcare, then so be it. Parents shouldn't be parenting while WFH and if the op is doing so her employer will have cause for complaint. Working parents (both) should factor in childcare costs which is NOT using the other one as default free childcare which this ex is doing.

BoohooWoohoo · 18/08/2023 09:06

You have been too nice.

CMS look at overnights not days so if he picks her up at 7pm counts as his night. He is treating you as a fool and costing you (and by extension dd) money. What benefits does she get going to his house just for bedtime ? Even if he ends up having her less nights, a full day is going to be better for dd than simply using the bed at his house.

DorasDog · 18/08/2023 09:13

On his days he sorts childcare from 3pm onwards when school finishes. The next morning he is responsible for taking her to school/organising breakfast club etc

If he can’t do this then he can’t have her during the week and will need to stick to every other weekend or something similar.

Get the holidays arranged in advance - offer him half (although he probably won’t want this!)

Get this written up through a solicitor or a meditation.

Contact CMS.

Stand up to him, you are not with him any more and don’t need to put up with any more nonsense or name calling.

Let him go around telling everyone that you “won’t let him” see his child if he likes, not your problem, he is welcome to share contact but he actually needs to parent in that time.

Original poster
Smfedup · 18/08/2023 09:14

AmeIia · 18/08/2023 09:03

He can't have her while he's working, and if you were working from an office you couldn't have her either, so she would be in childcare of some form, then he would collect her from there so it's still his nights with her. The fact that you WFH and can have her in the day is a bonus, but I don't think you can use that against him. Anyone who works other than WFH will be in the same position as him.

You also mention he hasn't had her overnight like he should have for 2 weeks, he was sick and then you were away.......surely that's common sense!

And he would be contributing to that childcare, would he? Cause I don’t remember him paying a jot towards it when she was in nursery. I can look after her because I’m self employed on my days, but why should I give him that luxury? That’s a decision I made when DD was little so I could be around for her more, not so her dad can dump all the responsibility on me so he can work.

I must have missed all those times I’ve been ill and not had to look after DD, too! Unfortunately single mums just have to get on with it, the NRP gets a different and much better end of the stick.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smfedup · 18/08/2023 09:16

BoohooWoohoo · 18/08/2023 09:06

You have been too nice.

CMS look at overnights not days so if he picks her up at 7pm counts as his night. He is treating you as a fool and costing you (and by extension dd) money. What benefits does she get going to his house just for bedtime ? Even if he ends up having her less nights, a full day is going to be better for dd than simply using the bed at his house.

I know, I have. I’ve not done my CMS claim but I’ve messaged this morning to let him know I am not longer available on the days he has DD, and if he is in work and only having her a few hours overnight then not to bother. Just waiting for the onslaught of shit I get from him now..

OP posts:
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