To be upset by the unfairness?

[Seaswimmingforthesoul]

My brother passed away in May, it was unexpected although he had battled addiction a long time. I had spent many many years supporting him and trying to help him but in the last 6 months I cut contact due to extremely upsetting behaviour on his part, and I didn't feel safe.
Following his death I have done every single thing, from arranging the funeral, to clearing his house, to sorting bank accounts, to dealing with police/coroner/managing the inquest. Everything. It's been unbearably painful.
My father is a narcissist and is manipulative and abusive. Always has been. He had a close relationship with my brother in the past few years so I've tried my best to keep the peace and be very gentle and kind to him. His demands on me however have been absolutely awful, he has bombarded me with terrible requests such as asking me to haggle on the price of the coffin and asking me to go into the chapel of rest and take photos of my brother for him etc, all whilst refusing to do anything to help with practicalities.
Anyway, he is now asking me to do a lot of organising of finances for my nephew. He wants me to set up a trust fund for him (he has already been paying significant amounts into an account for him since he was born) . He's been travelling over from the country he lives in to see him but hasnt arrnaged anything himself in this respect. I've also found out that he had given my brother many thousands of pounds over the past few years as well as multiple long distance holidays etc (my brother spent it all and was in a lot of debt when he died). Now this is all fine, of course, he can do whatever he likes with his own money. However. I've never had (or asked for) ANYTHING from my dad. Not even so much as a birthday card. Ever. He keeps asking me to help him with all these things, and telling me about his will and everything he's planning on doing for my nephew but he didn't even send my children birthday gifts last month when they turned 4 and 6.
He stayed with us for 2 weeks over the funeral etc and didn't contribute a single penny towards food, petrol, etc and he made me drive him around everywhere so he didn't have to hire a car, even though I was working, looking after 2 kids, and managing all my brothers affairs.
It isn't about the money, it's about the principle. I've always been happy to help my family and I obviously don't begrudge my nephew anything, ive been doing so much to try and support him at this horrendous time, but it's so upsetting when I compare how he is (and has always been) treated by my father vs how me and my own children are treated, and my father just continues to make demands of me with no comprehension of the pressure its putting on me or how its making me feel. He truly treats me like his unpaid PA. To me it just feels so cruel and unfair. If it was a new thing since my brother's death that would make more sense, but I am discovering more and more that my brother was supported financially by my father for years and years.
AIBU??? Should I say something? WWYD?

I wouldnt raise it with him, he wont care, Any reasonable person would realise an inbalance, he wont thankyou or change when you point it out. Id cut your losses, and distsnce yourself, you don't have to do what your doing, hes playing on your goodwill. You need to be strong enough to say this isnt healthy for myself and my family and walk away.

I would step away now. There is no longer any need to keep in contact with him, he can sort his own things out

I agree with others. There is no point in addressing this with him. He will not change. Just say no. Sorry. Can’t do that. Distance yourself. Just set yourself free. If you need therapeutic input or counselling to be able to do that then try to invest in it if you can.

You are a good person. You deserve better.

I would be v low contact going forward. No point saying anything as he clearly doesn’t think there is anything wrong with his behaviour and from the way you describe him he isn’t likely to think otherwise.
He is taking advantage of your good nature.

Sorry for the loss of your brother

If your DF wishes to set up trust fund for nephew he should make his own enquiries

Or point him towards child ISA or LISA or premium bonds in their name

In return, ask your DF about putting power of attorney in place for himself. The Info is on www.gov.uk. Also does he have a will ?

I am very sorry for your loss. Your father’s behaviour is compounding it.

Sadly I agree that if you say anything he will not care and it is just likely to make things worse. Must you continue to engage with him at all? You need to step back as much as possible to protect yourself. As PP have suggested, refer him to external sources of help rather than burdening yourself. A man who is considering setting up a trust fund for your nephew can afford taxis, for example.

Your dad is not going to play nice. He will continue to treat you and your kids like a second class citizen. Learn to say no. Don't continue to accommodate him. You don't have to give him a reason for your actions - from his behaviour, sounds like there is no point in trying to reason with him at all.

Thank you so much everyone, it is really helpful to hear these views as it helps give me confidence that the way i am feeling is justified.
I am seeing a counsellor on a regular basis who is helping me with setting boundaries, and my husband says exactly what you've all said. I guess it's the niggling feelings that 'he's still my dad' and 'he's grieving so I need to be kind' that keep drawing me back in. The guilt I guess.... and the manipulation from him.
But I know he won't change. And I know he's capable of doing all this stuff himself but he genuinely can't see why he should when it's more convenient for him to get me to do it. He's a narcissist in it's truest form.
I will continue to work on setting boundaries and distancing myself from him.
Thank you all so much

Simple word 'no'. You don't need contact with him going further so don't put yourself out for him.

You should just decline to be involved, it doesn't sound as if having ready access to money helped your db, so not sure it will help your nephew. Giving money now to whoever is caring for him might be more useful.

If you do get sucked in then I would be blatantly telling him if he wants help then you will be setting up three trust funds, one for each grandchild. It sounds as if he doesn't even consider helping yours. Sorry for your loss.

Of course he's being unreasonable and the most obvious answer is to speak to him and put a stop to allowing him to treat you this way. Going low contact if you must but actually no contact would be better longterm. You just won't ever find what you are seeking from him as he'll never admit he is wrong. I'm sorry for your loss.

Why is it that people with abusive parents always look for validation or love from the parent when they will never receive it? Seems a really common theme where adults similar to yourself just can't break away. It's so sad.

I don't like him. I never have. I don't want a relationship with him. For me, it's the years of emotional manipulation that have caused deep trauma. Just when im at brraking point, he will claw me back in with sentimentality and false emotion.
I also feel a sense of guilt, as well as I keep thinking to myself that if I cut off contact and he died I will always wonder 'but what if I tried just one more time to get through to him'
Looking at situations like this from a logical standpoint, of course its clear... but after years and years of it, the lines become very blurred unfortunately.

Maybe start referring to him using his first name... Give your mind chance to accept he really isn't dad... Then block him. Bet your mh improves...

I think your update post is the right approach to take.

Just say no to the things you don’t want to do and keep repeating no and ignore him where possible. Why did you do so much of the running around after your brothers death. I’d try some reflection on that….possible fell into old patterns?

sorry op- having shit parents is so hard and causes life long issues.

This is exactly what I would say. I would point out that he doesn’t even send your DC birthday cards. I would ask him why not?

If you flip the “he’s my dad” to “I’m his daughter” you can see he doesn’t value you for who you are.

I don’t go along with the idea that you owe anything to ‘family’ if they’re not decent human beings.

You can’t choose your family but you can choose what that relationship is and how you want it to be.

I don’t like my father and haven’t since childhood. I don’t respect his opinions, I don’t care what he thinks of me because he’s never taken the time to know me and, arrogant as it sounds, it’s his loss not mine.

I relate to this a lot. My father and I are polar opposites in our character and our opinions. He has very offensive views and is forever rolling his eyes and calling me 'woke'. In recent years I would say he's actually become a conspiracy theorist.
He has this obsession with 'family' and that anything should be forgiven (or tolerated!) Just because we are family. Its such a skewed ridiculous way of thinking, and simply a way of excusing his abuse over and over again.
I know that I am a good person, and I know that I've done everything I can to help my extremely dysfunctional family. It's just very hard to stay strong in a time of grief x

Prioritise your own little family OP. Helping your father (who doesn't deserve it or appreciate it) means that you have less time, energy and money to spend on your DH and DC. Say that to your dad. "No I can't do x as the DC need me."

Oh OP, it’s so sad that you are still hoping to “get through to him”
I spent many years thinking that if I was a better daughter or knew some magic words I could “get through” to my father and he would miraculously change into the Dad I wanted.
The day I realised that it was impossible and I just had to get on with my life and accept that I was never going to have the Dad I wanted and deserved was actually great (but sad). You can either accept who he is or decide not to have him in your life, I recommend the latter.

I’d be saying “well obviously with three trust funds to set up I’d use X company “ see what he says then. If he has no intention of leaving your DC anything but running in how much nephew is getting is be telling him to sling his hook. My brother is like your dad & I’ve cut almost all contact I used to get so upset & frustrated it it was only ever me that cared my brother didn’t give two hoots. Since my mom passed I no longer speak to him. Sad as I’m very family oriented but I’ve decided just to focus on my family & I can’t control others.

I bet you being family doesn't mean you get forgiven or tolerated for anything. What an arsehole he is.

Awful as it may be to think, you may have actually had a lucky escape. Your brother was clearly the golden child and was massively enabled his whole life. His early death was a result of his behaviours which your father failed to correct and possibly encouraged. By being the ignored child, you were forced to be self sufficient and have clearly developed a moral code.

Let your father deal with the consequences of his own parenting. Grief for your brother and zero help from you.