To ask friend to please stop telling me about weight loss and dieting

[F4tArse]

I have a close friend who is a yoyo dieter who does weight cycling (if you're unfamiliar with that it's losing and regaining the same weight again and again)

When he gets to her target weight he stops worrying about what he's eating and enjoys his food and booze for a few months then when he gets to a certain point where he feels shes getting too big - he starts doing intermittent fasting and calorie restrictions to lose it again. Rinse and repeat.

We chat every other day and as he's currently in a losing phase he's keeping me updated with how that's going and what exercise he's doing.

The problem is all the talk of dieting and weight loss is making me feel quite shit and dare I say "triggering" me? (I know that term is overused and annoying. Sorry)

Some years ago I had an eating disorder. Fast forward to now I'm disabled (awaiting major surgery) and on a shit load of medication which has contributed to me being at my heaviest ever weight.

I haven't weighed in a while but I think I'm around 12 stone which is far too much for my height - I know that - but my earnest attempts at losing the weight the right way in my current circumstances failed epically and I was at risk of falling back into bulimia so I had to adopt an "it is what it is" mindset for now and push it to the back of my mind.

My AIBU is do you think I'd be unreasonable to ask him not to keep mentioning the diet and weight loss? He does know about my history with E.D as he knew me then and saw how ill i was. What if anything would you say exactly? I really don't want to cause any offence as he's a very dear friend, nor do i want to sound like a snowflake.

Logically, I know he means no harm at all but the 'E.D' part of my brain is firing up and trying to convince me that he's telling me all of this because he thinks I'm fat and is hoping it will spur me on to sort my act out myself. I looked in the mirror when I got out of the bath tonight and just wanted to cry.

Excuse the use of he and she interchangeably! It's a he. I was aiming to be vague as he knows I'm a mumsnetter 😩

If he's a true friend, he'll understand. I would tell him that you, of course, always wish him the best with his health journey, but you're in a very low place right now, and talking about losing weight/dieting, etc, is really upsetting you, especially given your history with disordered eating. Request that your conversations avoid the topic.

Sounds like he has a current ED.

Tell him that its causing you distress and upset and bringing back bad memories to have him constantly talking at you about diets. If that doesn't stop him then frankly he isn't a friend or he is beyond help himself at the moment. Either way you might need some distance for a while.

Just tell him to stop, it# very unhelpful given your history and he’s being a shit friend.

Thank you, I will have a word tomorrow.

I hate awkward conversations but needs must. I'm a big fragile atm and worrying about food is the last thing I need.

Of course YANBU, just tell him what you’ve told us - that you know he means no harm but it’s a really hard subject for you and you feel you could be at risk of ED again if you keep hearing about it. If he’s a good friend he’ll be OK with it.

My AIBU is do you think I'd be unreasonable to ask him not to keep mentioning the diet and weight loss?

I mean why would you or anyone be unreasonable?

Take away the ED and your disability for a moment and let's pretend he's banging on about trainspotting/football/politics or anything else that's boring your arse off, you're completely within your rights to tell him to rein it in 🤷‍♂️

This is true, although part of my hesitation was not wanting to rain on his parade iyswim

Sounds like he has a current ED.

I think what he's doing sounds completely normal.

Most people I know will calm it down and rein it in if they find themselves gaining a bit of weight.

The difference is this guy sounds like an insufferable bore, and possibly thinks he's the only person in the world to want to drop a few pounds every now and then.

But it's not a parade, he's just making it sound like it is, whereas nearly everyone has an 'Oooh shit, better do something about the weight gain before it gets too much' moment.

As others have said, YANBU and I just wanted to say well done for not allowing your current situation and dissatisfaction with your body affect your behaviour. I am in recovery from an ED and it's not easy so I applaud you for protecting your recovery like this

Thank you so much and well done on your recovery, you should be very proud of yourself ❤️

As someone barely recovering from an ED (self treating as cant get medical help, 46 year olds dont get anorexia apparently) I have had to be very honest.

With my family it was "I am anorexic, I find talking about eating and how much I am eating and how thin I am actually makes things worse, so think it if you like but dont talk about it" I actually lost it big style once and cried and cried. They realised after that, that I would eat more if it was never made a big deal of. With friends who knew but didnt take it seriously, they would say "oh its easy for you to be thin! I wish I knew how you lost all that weight!" I started saying "Anorexia. You know its landed me in hospital and I am very unhealthy, why would you want that?!" Again, they dropped it.

They are embarrassed and they damn well should be!

Tell him the truth, if he doesnt listen then he isnt a friend.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with such ignorance, that sounds incredibly frustrating. I can see why being so direct is the way to go in those circumstances.

I had a previous friend who would say things like that to me too, as though being the size I was - was something to aspire to. It's so much harder to deal with when when people just won't stop mentioning it.

I've said something to my friend now. I pretty much echo'd what I said here about focusing on weight and dieting will tip me back into bulimia and for me keeping my mental health strong is more important than obsessing over my weight right now. He liked the message but didn't reply. Hopefully I haven't made things awkward.

I wish you the best for your continued recovery. You've got this.

He doesnt sound like he has an eating disorder at all.

Unfortunately it is the nature for humans to seek out calorie dense food and sometimes people feel the way to manage that is to have periods where they dont restrict themselves and other times when they do to keep on top of it

Its not thought to be that healthy for your heart but thats his choice

He sounds like a diet bore in the same way some people talk about politics/housing/football/money whatever but generally we dont tell people to shut up, we either accept thats what they drone on about, or we're not really friends with them because they dont interest us.

He probably feels safe talking to you because if you're overweight he probably identifies with that and doesnt realise that you dont want to engage.

He probably feels safe talking to you because if you're overweight he probably identifies with that and doesnt realise that you dont want to engage.

Probably! We all think a little differently I guess. I have another friend who is on the larger side and she'd be the last person I talked to about losing weight and dieting as I'd worry she'd think I'm being indirect about her weight or would make her feel bad about it.

Yes I agree but I think some people see it as a safe thing for them, they dont think about the other person.