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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Supporting husband in hospital

21 replies

LanaL · 17/08/2023 20:48

A few weeks ago my husband had a car accident . He has 9 broken bones . The most significant injury is a broken hip . His breaks go from collar bone down to ankle . He is not in a good way. He is completely bed bound . He has had 2 surgeries and been in intensive care with pneumonia. He was discharged , meaning he came home needing all care to be provided by me and then a few days later he was back in , the hip is deteriorating and he most likely needs a hip replacement. We are in our early 30s.
I was supposed to start work - a part time 0 hour contract, so no holiday pay or anything - at a nursery through the school holidays . I have not yet been able to go . At first it was immediately when it happened and then it’s just been up and down , I think it’s going to be ok and I can go and then visit him after work but then things have happened - the surgeries , the complications…. He came home and I would have had to leave him alone ( he could just about manage bed to commode and back, but a struggle ) but he’s a self employed electrician so we have 0 income right now except for mine which is pennies - so I need to work . Benefits have not yet been sorted , so this isn’t like I just want time off , I desperately need to we have no money but I have been unable to . He has needed me , he’s young and facing something so horrendous and to add him being alone all day in hospital would be awful . Not just that , with how up and down it has been there have been times when I’ve simply been unable to, things have been up in the air , I’ve been worried , I’ve been at the hospital overnight . I don’t think I’ve slept more than 4 hours at a time since it happened and I’ve barely seen the children as they have been with family. He has also been so out of it that I need to be there to know what is going on , consent to things .

So , it has been a case of having to let work down the night before a lot - I’ve been trying to give them notice but some things I haven’t been able to as it’s happened last minute. I can feel now that my boss is getting fed up . She was supportive at first but she has now been saying to me how much I’m needed how much it’s affected everyone else . I have said if she wants to get someone else it’s ok I understand , but she has said no but then continued to come across quite stern . She is an older lady , unmarried no children so maybe she doesn’t understand the need to be with my husband , but it’s now adding a pressure on to me .
As I said before it is 0 hours ,it’s not like she is paying me holiday or sick pay and I have worked there in the past and never taken time off .

AIBU to be taking all this time off work ?

OP posts:
cansu · 17/08/2023 21:05

Sounds awful. I think that if you can't work then that's that. I would have a meeting with her. Explain what is going on and give her the options.

  1. Find another person for the job.
  2. Give you the time you need to get your husband back on track. Explain that you will let her know when you are available to work.

You might need to spell out exactly the extent of his injuries and the stressful situation. I would also tell her that you are unable to deal with work pressure currently and therefore understand that she may prefer to find a new employee.

FeigningConcern · 17/08/2023 21:09

Tell work you won't be able to work for a while and you'll let them know when you are available.

From reading your post clearly you need to forget about work for the time being.

Why haven't benefits been sorted yet? I would focus on that rather than on trying to work when you clearly aren't able.

Good luck. Sounds like an awful situation.

Hufflemuff · 17/08/2023 22:19

Perhaps you could do it on a 3 day rota

See husband
See kids
Go to work
Repeat...

On the days you're seeing the kids, family members visit him in hospital.

On the days you're working, family members have the kids and DH doesn't get a visitor - unless friends can also pop in.

FarFarAwayB · 17/08/2023 22:34

LanaL please contact your local citizens advice, they can help you navigate your way through the Benefits maze and help you find other support.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/

hugs
FFAB

Citizens Advice

Online free advice from Citizens Advice to help you find a way forward, whatever the problem. Our research enables us to campaign on issues affecting people's lives.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/

Original poster
LanaL · 17/08/2023 22:59

Hufflemuff · 17/08/2023 22:19

Perhaps you could do it on a 3 day rota

See husband
See kids
Go to work
Repeat...

On the days you're seeing the kids, family members visit him in hospital.

On the days you're working, family members have the kids and DH doesn't get a visitor - unless friends can also pop in.

This would be something that could work when he’s just in hospital recovering, or at home , but all the days that I’ve had to take off have been days when things have happened unexpectedly or surgeries . It’s 6 days in total I’ve missed so far x

OP posts:
Original poster
LanaL · 17/08/2023 22:59

FarFarAwayB · 17/08/2023 22:34

LanaL please contact your local citizens advice, they can help you navigate your way through the Benefits maze and help you find other support.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/

hugs
FFAB

Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
LanaL · 17/08/2023 23:01

FeigningConcern · 17/08/2023 21:09

Tell work you won't be able to work for a while and you'll let them know when you are available.

From reading your post clearly you need to forget about work for the time being.

Why haven't benefits been sorted yet? I would focus on that rather than on trying to work when you clearly aren't able.

Good luck. Sounds like an awful situation.

Yes it feels like I should just stop , I just don’t want to give it up completely in case it somehow settles and I can manage a few days before the end of the holidays ( there are only 2 weeks of work left) but I have said I understand if they want to get rid of me .

It’s the wait now with benefits as you have to wait 6 weeks . I am trying to get an advance x

OP posts:
Original poster
LanaL · 17/08/2023 23:03

cansu · 17/08/2023 21:05

Sounds awful. I think that if you can't work then that's that. I would have a meeting with her. Explain what is going on and give her the options.

  1. Find another person for the job.
  2. Give you the time you need to get your husband back on track. Explain that you will let her know when you are available to work.

You might need to spell out exactly the extent of his injuries and the stressful situation. I would also tell her that you are unable to deal with work pressure currently and therefore understand that she may prefer to find a new employee.

This was my thought . If I can’t work next week for any reason , I expect another message along the same lines and I think I will just have to detail the extent of what is happening and just say all I can offer is that I’m hopeful nothing happens and l can work but that I don’t need the pressure of a guilt trip x

OP posts:
stokiemum62 · 17/08/2023 23:05

What is the insurance situation from the accident, can you get an interim payment from the insurance company.

Molehillminnie · 17/08/2023 23:25

They should not have sent him home if he needed you to do everything for him. It’s like when elderly people get sent home and there’s no way they can cope. You do not have to become his carer. Advocate, yes, but carer, no. Make sure there is proper provision in place next time he is released. This will be a long road and you need to take care of yourself before helping him and the DC. Good luck.

Original poster
LanaL · 17/08/2023 23:54

We are waiting to hear . I hope we can but at this very moment we don’t have anything from them x

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 18/08/2023 00:32

If you have a mortgage, call your bank today. First thing. Either go interest only or negotiate a payment holiday. Not talking to them is not good.

post on here https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/carers for practical advice.

Carers Forum | Mumsnet | Mumsnet

A place for carers to share their experiences. Whether you are looking after elderly family, loved ones or friends, find support and advice here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/carers

Offyoupoplove · 18/08/2023 00:36

stokiemum62 · 17/08/2023 23:05

What is the insurance situation from the accident, can you get an interim payment from the insurance company.

Was th car accident his fault? If not, I hate the idea of suing but this is one of those ocassions when suing for loss of earnings is totally reasonable and would be covered by the other party’s insurance.

Newusernameaug · 18/08/2023 00:42

I feel like you’re really mis-reading the situation, and that’s understandable due to your own pain and worry.

The lady won’t replace you as that would be mean and an awful thing to do to you.

You need to leave. You’ll find a way. Nothing is more important than your husband right now.

However, those children on nursery also need someone they can rely on everyday and you need to allow them that stability and love and care too. You’re putting the nursery in a horrible position.

If hand my
notice in, stating I’d continue to cover as much as a could until a replacement was found.
That way I’d know the door would most likely be open for me to return as and when husband was ready.

Nat6999 · 18/08/2023 02:07

Do you have sickness cover on your mortgage? Look on Entitledto.co.uk to see if you can claim Universal Credit, when he comes home, if he is still badly disabled from his injuries, he could claim PIP & you may get additional UC if he is unable to work.

Poppyblush · 18/08/2023 05:16

Actually do you an accrue leave with a zero hour contract.

id try and do some work as it’s money

Original poster
LanaL · 18/08/2023 17:45

Offyoupoplove · 18/08/2023 00:36

Was th car accident his fault? If not, I hate the idea of suing but this is one of those ocassions when suing for loss of earnings is totally reasonable and would be covered by the other party’s insurance.

Show quote history

No , it was not his fault - we are in the process of going through the insurance and hopeful of a payout but at this stage it’s ongoing x

OP posts:
Original poster
LanaL · 18/08/2023 17:46

Poppyblush · 18/08/2023 05:16

Actually do you an accrue leave with a zero hour contract.

id try and do some work as it’s money

No , no leave . It’s only a summer job , I have another job but that is agency work x

OP posts:
Original poster
LanaL · 18/08/2023 17:51

I actually had a chat with her today and she was very supportive . I think maybe my stress and my tiredness made me read messages as an attack on me when she was just stating the facts that my absence has caused problems .
she said she isn’t going to replace me as she wouldn’t be able to at this point anyway but she also wants me to have the work if I need it. I was very clear that I would not take offence if she did. I have explained the situation and that whilst I’m hopeful to be able to come in , if things happen that I am needed to be there for ( surgery , emergencies etc ) then I have to , but that I wouldn’t be taking time off just to sit at the hospital with him as we need me back in work . She just said that she hopes I can come back and any shifts I am down for will not be covered so I can go in but that I should put my situation first and just do what I need to do .

It has made me feel so much better about it all x

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 19/08/2023 11:21

She sounds a lovely employer.

This stage is so difficult, but you will manage. If need be, a referral to a Foodbank could give you a little space over the next couple of weeks and they also often have staff who can help signposting to help with other sources of financial and practical assistance.

Have the hospital been helping with temporary adaptations/items for your DH at home? It's important that his physical needs are met on discharge to avoid readmission, which is one part of Occupational Therapy's work.

Pumpkinpie1 · 11/02/2024 16:20

If husband is in hospital you can visit evenings etc , wards are usually very helpful.
There is support available with hospitals supplying carers who visit patients at home for up to 6 weeks , anymore than that there is something called continuing healthcare.
Unless it’s life threatening do you need to be at his bed 25 hours a day ?

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