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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To try to protect my daughter from her father

23 replies

libertybonds · 17/08/2023 20:16

My ex is an emotionally abusive, financially controlling narcissist. He hates paying child maintenance more than anything in the world.

My solicitor is clear that it's nigh on impossible to do anything other than 50/50 custody. However, he currently has EOW and one day in the week. He wants 50/50 s his gf will do the childcare and save him a load of money.

My 7 year old daughter despises spending time with her father and in fact has begun crying in school on days she is scheduled to go there. I'm not totally sure why, but I know that he slags me off to her, tells her off for missing me, is generally emotionally unavailable, and that his gf is a psycho. He also pressures my daughter to tell me she wants to spend less time with me.

He sends many emails about how I am not a good mum based on little other than spinning/exploiting information about me. He has just started a new campaign for more time.

Should I give up? Continue the fight? I have just spent two hours responding to another threatening and insulting email. I have just paid a £2k solicitor bill from dealing with this stuff last month. How long can this go on? My pockets and emotional reserves are only so deep

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 17/08/2023 20:22

Don’t give up, you need to protect your dd. Speak to your solicitor re parental alienation, now a crime, I believe. He should be more mature and stop making derogatory comments about you to your child.

Annaishere · 17/08/2023 20:36

If he really is a narcissist then you should limit the contact as much as possible. He could cause her to have a personality disorder too. If you can’t do this maybe you can point out where his behaviour is wrong to her. I wouldn’t bother reading the emails when it starts to get abusive. Just delete and let him know that you will read them once he stops talking to you like that

Original poster
libertybonds · 17/08/2023 20:37

@Cherrysoup thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
libertybonds · 17/08/2023 20:39

@Annaishere he is very clever and doesn't just send nasty emails - they are all about how he needs more time with our daughter and all her emotional problems are caused by me. In the same email is a demand that I agree we should change the schedule.

OP posts:
TheFoz · 17/08/2023 20:42

Why are you entertaining these emails? Block his address. If he wants more time then he needs to go through the legal channels. Spending two hours replying to an email is ludicrous.

ButterCrackers · 17/08/2023 20:42

His gf is also out or order. I don’t know if you can stop the contact with her. I hope you get good legal advice to sort it all out.

GreenMonstersParty · 17/08/2023 20:44

Is there someone who she could talk to about this in school? Someone separate from you both but could be clear on what yiur daughters issues are in a court setting /CAFCAS?

MillWood85 · 17/08/2023 20:45

You really need to stop interacting with him, he's playing a game and you're going along with it. Stop giving him so much power over you.

Talk to a solicitor or Women's Aid to find out how you can deal with him firmly and effectively, and don't just lie down and give in to him. This isn't about her, it's about controlling you.

Original poster
libertybonds · 17/08/2023 20:46

@GreenMonstersParty yes, she will be getting support in school from September. There is a 6 week program that she will be put in.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 17/08/2023 20:48

Change lawyer. Find someone who gets it. It took me 4 and she stayed with me for 9 years of court battles. Be prepared for the long haul but my kids first saw the judge at 8 & 9 so it might be possible for you too.

Wenfy · 17/08/2023 20:48

Block him. He must go through legal channels to talk to you. If you think he’ll come to yours apply for a restraining order. Report him and his gf to social services. Keep doing it. Keep a diary of stuff that’s said.

Ostryga · 17/08/2023 20:48

Stop contacting him at all. Do not engage with anything.

Stick to EOW and one day. Only speak to him if this needs to change for any reason. Do not get into any conversation regarding contact - this is for your solicitors.

Honestly? 50/50 with a non-parent doing the bulk of the childcare is not appropriate for your daughter. You need to show that your daughter’s routine is great as it is, and that spending more time (not even with her dad!) will affect her detrimentally.

RandomMess · 17/08/2023 20:53

Yep you can ask for the right of first refusal so instead of his GF (or anyone else) doing childcare it has to be offered to you.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 21:53

Ostryga · 17/08/2023 20:48

Stop contacting him at all. Do not engage with anything.

Stick to EOW and one day. Only speak to him if this needs to change for any reason. Do not get into any conversation regarding contact - this is for your solicitors.

Honestly? 50/50 with a non-parent doing the bulk of the childcare is not appropriate for your daughter. You need to show that your daughter’s routine is great as it is, and that spending more time (not even with her dad!) will affect her detrimentally.

Yes - I think that the court will always prioritize the child's rights and the child has a right to a relationship with their father. Being cared for by a girlfriend who can leave at any time does not support the child to have a relationship with her father.

Does he live close to the school? Hopefully not as close as you.

Original poster
libertybonds · 18/08/2023 12:52

I may need to consider a new lawyer. It's so difficult.

That said, I have asked her advice what to do about this recent round of emails. I feel like maybe I need permission to ignore him.

He has sent a number of extremely abusive emails today regarding dropoff/pickup but also folding in insults about my character and parenting.

OP posts:
Annaishere · 18/08/2023 13:13

When my son was about 13 I cut contact with my ex because every time I spoke to him I got abuse. I just couldn’t take it any more. Maybe my case is different because he was hardly seeing my son anyway. Now he’s older my son goes to see him on his own now and then without any contact between my ex and me. I don’t regret not trying harder because I did for years and his dad was a bad influence anyway

cupofdecaf · 18/08/2023 13:15

If you think it's about costs and maintenance could you offer limited time with him, say EOW and you'll claim no maintenance? And see how her mental health improves. Maybe pitch it see is settled housing etc helps her.

RandomMess · 18/08/2023 13:30

Send a letter to him and his solicitor (from you don't need to involve your solicitor) saying that from now on you will only communicate with him via one of the court approved parenting Apps.

I think there is a choice of 2.

Then stick to it.

Original poster
libertybonds · 18/08/2023 15:05

@cupofdecaf this is an interesting idea. Maybe it's worthwhile trying it.

My ex does have a lot of ego about this all, too, though. He wants to see himself as a family man and head of his household. It may conflict with his self perception too much to agree. He also may turn the suggestion against me and say I am trying to alienate our daughter.

@RandomMess he doesn't have a solicitor. But maybe it's time to make that change. I will have to bear all costs.

OP posts:
category12 · 18/08/2023 15:10

Him not having a solicitor is up to him - but you don't need to deal with him directly and like most of the pps, I'd suggest you don't.

Don't spend hours responding to his emails - just forward them to your solicitor or block.

And keep fighting - no way should he have more time allotted if he's not going to actually be with your dd.

RandomMess · 18/08/2023 16:18

Do not pay for him to have a solicitor.

Do not respond to his abusive emails. Block him. Tell him he must put everything in writing and sent it to you via mail (hassle for him). In an emergency when DD is with him he can phone your mum/dad/friend and they can contact you.

Let it go to mediation - not suitable as he is abusive, get it signed off and let him take you to court.

Meanwhile get a much better solicitor.

Original poster
libertybonds · 18/08/2023 21:50

Sorry, was unclear! Definitely won't be paying for his solicitor. I meant maybe I will try the app.

My solicitor replied and basically said I should send an email that I have drafted. She said I don't have to respond to every email (i know that it is silly that i feel I need permission)

OP posts:
Wishitsnows · 18/08/2023 22:01

His actions are clearly about his anger toward you and it’s obvious he cares very little about your daughters emotions wellbeing. His alienation of you is now illegal but so hard to prove. The courts just seem to want contact with fathers by any means necessary even if the child hates it. I just don’t get the gf though, why would she want to provide childcare, what a mug! But there are many women who do and believe the crazy ex stories. Best of luck, stay strong for your daughter

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