Not inviting two family members

[gutfightinghead]

I have a party coming up for my 10 week old baby. I have invited my family and my DH’s family but I haven’t invited my 2 uncles.

I haven’t invited one uncle because he’s just not a nice man. He belittles people and is obnoxious and was horrible to me as a child. He also has reduced my mum to tears and has threatened my dad before too.

the other uncle I haven’t invited because he works for the man who sexually, emotionally, physically and mentally abused me for 5 years. He started working for this man after the abuse all came out and during the court procedure and seeing this uncle is a massive trigger for me.

now some members of my family, namely my granny who I am so so so close to from I was so young, is threatening not to go to the party because I haven’t invited these two uncles.

AIBU?

Your granny knows why they are not invited yes?

Also who is paying for this party?

Did they even send you a congratulations card when you had the baby?

I did this with my dad. I still stand by my decision tbh. It's difficult but you have your own boundaries so stick with them.

@Theunamedcat yes she knows why she defends that my uncle needed work (he wanted cash payment and he knew my abuser was very very laid back so no contract, low expectations etc) my dad actually got him a job with a firm doing the same thing but better money and with a contract but he declined and continued to work for my abuser

my DH and I are paying for it all (and it’s not the cheapest)

the two uncles didn’t send any text or acknowledgment or they haven’t seen the babies but their partners’ did.

Absolutely nbu. If you're granny doesn't understand why you don't want them there I'm sorry but I wouldn't want her there either. 💐

Oh well. Her loss, what a horrible hurtful thing for her to threaten. You know what her prioritises are.

*priorities

Your party. Your guest list.
If your granny has an issue with it she can pay for and host her own party and invite them.
Don't let anyone bully you into doing anything you're uncomfortable with.

Your physcal and mental safety is the most important thing.

Easy. Just uninvite your Granny. Sorted.

In that case "I'm sorry you feel that way granny" and carry on with your plan disengage completely from those who try to force you to do something your uncomfortable with

'Oh dear, that's such a shame. I'm sure we'll see you at another event soon. Keep well'

Up to her if she doesn’t come, her loss and going forward treat her accordingly

Tough, isn’t it? Your party, your guest list.

YANBU. Just go back and say you know why I am not inviting them, and if that means you won’t be coming I understand

"Dear granny, I would love you to come to the party, but I understand if you don't feel able to. Likewise I hope that you can understand the reasons why I feel unable to invite x and y. Love gutfightinghead."

If you are as close to your granny as you say then that relationship will mean enough to her to allow you to do what is right for you. She's voiced her concern now she needs to be quiet and let the party happen as you wish!

Threatening not to come and using that closeness as leverage is manipulation. Put your own mental health first.

To be honest, it's unlikely that the Uncles would want to attend in any event.

You're entitled to invite who you like, those who you've invited are entitled to choose if they come or not.

Congratulations on your new baby, OP

when you blow your granny off - use the actual words to say why you are uninviting her: you want me to invite a man who went to work for my abuser, knowing all the details. So don't bother coming, you're not invited either.

And use the same words to anyone else who makes a fuss

"It's a shame you won't be coming to the party Granny, it would have been lovely to have you there." ...and move on.

Don't let anyone guilt trip you into inviting these two men.