Friend has ditched me!

[Dogsaresooomucheasier]

Ive been “best” friends with someone since school - so 15 years. She’s a single mum with a six year old daughter, or has been until recently. I had my daughter two years later so a bit of an age gap but the girls have been friends. We’ve been on holidays together every year even whilst I was pregnant as she didn’t have anyone to go with and was worried to take her DD alone. I helped her move into her new flat when she broke up from her partner, decorated, etc. Her and her daughter stayed with us at least a couple of times a year and my hubby made himself scare just to give her a break.

She is now back with her daughters dad and I don’t hear from her. It’s been over the course of 18 months but now I don’t even get a text. I’m going through some particularly difficult times and she is well aware but hasn’t even checked in. She cancels all our plans for nights out as she has plans with him, doesn’t text on special events, and basically I feel very used.

I know she is busy and happy and totally get that she won’t be texting every day like before but im put out that I have put myself out for 4+ years seeing her all the time and looking after her welfare sometimes above my own (please note some of the holidays etc I really could have done without going on financially and work wise but did so as felt bad for her!)

AIBU to expect more?

Honestly the first thing I'd suspect is that he's controlling and doesn't let her see friends... Do you know if she's ditched anyone else or is it just you?

It sucks when someone you consider a good friend appears to have no loyalty or attachment to you !

No, you’re not unreasonable to expect more from a long term friend, but her priorities have changed again and she’s clearly showing you that she’s focusing on her partner and you’ve moved down the pecking order.

Have you asked her outright if everything is okay between you?

I'd have to spell it out how hurt I was.

Although, when my friend went through a marriage breakdown, I was her rock to lean on. She text me every day, massive long messages with several 'read mores' on whatspp and phone calls often.
Over the space of about a year, when things settled down, she didn't need to lean on me as much and the messages have dropped right down to what I would consider a 'normal' amount.

That said, I feel very confident that if I was going through something, she would be there for me. If she wasn't I would probably end the friendship.
While I don't give to get, I do have certain expectations.

I’d be wondering if her partner was deliberately trying to isolate her from her friends.

YANBU to expect more, but it doesn't look as if you're going to get it. I don't think you can do any more than you've already done - if it was me, I'd drop the contact from my side. Leave the ball in her court and focus on other people.

She's edged you out because she's aware that you know everything about her ex - and now she's back with him.

I also think that perhaps he is controlling. But, never give more than you really can, unless it's for your children. Just because you are happy to put yourself and your family second, don't expect others to, that's madness. She's been on the back foot with you, perhaps she now feels that she was a charity case to you. Very often when people are then in a better position they find it embarrassing to carry on friendships from when they were struggling.

You know I thought that as I typed it. He seems so nice though. I know that doesn’t mean a lot! She goes out a lot but seems to have totally ditched her life and just slotted into his, all his gain and none for her!

I guess maybe I should move on! To be honest I have closer friends now and our relationship was always quite a struggle to maintain - I definitely didn’t see her as a charity case and was happy and had fun with her but it was a burden. I wouldn’t say our family came second she just was more part of our family, came to all our family events, birthdays etc even Christmas. I guess it must be the novelty of finally being part of her own family unit which is all she’s ever wanted that means she’s not giving us a second thought which as I say isn’t such a bad thing and is totally normal. It’s just the massive drop from daily texts and calls to nothing for weeks which is strange!

One friend I've know since we were kids is always the same. A new boyfriend comes into the picture and suddenly you can't get hold of her. When she's single again, she's wanting to do the meet ups, girly holidays and is better on her phone.

Some people are incapable of having more than one person in their life and become very meshed with the idea of having a partner. I keep her at arm's length now as it's hurt me too many times.

I know at least two people who drop everyone as soon as they've got a boyfriend, to them having a man is like the rest of us having a tank of oxygen on Mars. It's desperate and pathetic.

Maybe she likes to pretend split never happened and that is not possible with you?

Or maybe she is just thoughtless or lazy friend.

Yanbu to expect more. I am glad you have closer friends now and i would give up on that friendship now.

'Yanbu to expect more. I am glad you have closer friends now and i would give up on that friendship now.'

I agree. It's so disappointing and hurtful when this happens. I had similar with a friend last year - I was there for her through her divorce, bereavement, career upheaval, but when I needed support through a difficult time, she was nowhere. I seem to have been totally ditched now. Don't know why. I took some time to feel sad and angry, then shifted my focus to other relationships

I agree with this. You were there to help her pick up the pieces when her relationship ended and likely heard many negative things about the man as well as their relationship. She might be embarrassed and assuming you'll think she's foolish for reconciling, or possibly she just doesn't want to be reminded of that period of her life.

You were a good friend to her and it's a shame she can't make a place for you in her "new" life, but try not to take it personally. I suspect this is all about a "clean slate" approach and not a reflection of her actual feelings towards you.

Try to wish her well and just move on from this. The friendship has likely run its course.

YANBU to feel used OP. She was obviously motivated by her own need at the time and doesn’t have a strong concept of what friendship is.

Focus on your lovely friends now.

I would have to ask you op ,,what was lacking in your life that you spent so much of your time focusing on her life ….
I say that with kindness as I’ve been you in various similar situations,and they always end the same way yours has .
so after a lot of soul searching and uncomfortable feelings I realised I had gaps in my life that I allowed people to fill with their problems..
when their problems were over ,I was left empty,as you are now .
if you didn’t have such gaps op ,she wouldn’t of been able to fill them with her life …now she doesn’t need you ,it hurts ,and you have gaps to fill.
don’t allow someone else to do the same

'I would have to ask you op ,,what was lacking in your life that you spent so much of your time focusing on her life ….
I say that with kindness as I’ve been you in various similar situations,and they always end the same way yours has'

Very good point, and an important question to ask yourself. And I've also been there myself in the past

'I would have to ask you op ,,what was lacking in your life that you spent so much of your time focusing on her life ….

very easy answer to this is kids! Hers daughter is older than mine so obviously I had more time on my hands when she was at her worst stage. Wouldn’t say anything lacking as in I was sad but I was in twenties, with my DH settled in own home etc and lots of time on our hands so it wasn’t an issue. I’ve always been like it and can’t be truly happy if I know one of my friends or family is desperately sad so will do anything I can to try to help. And my family are the same just seems this friend in particular isn’t!