Woman from America staying at my boyfriends place

[Whenthepartysover]

Me and my boyfriend have been together two years. I am 23 and he is 27. I am currently at uni in Leeds but I go to his at the weekends in Manchester.

He is a bit of an artsy type, he is a graphic designer and a freelance photographer. He writes poetry and has an Instagram account where he uploads all of his poems and short videos of spoken word. It's a bit of a community and he speaks to lots of people on the platform. He has been speaking to this woman now for a while. I didn't really have a problem with it because she lives in America and is married with 5 children. Plus I trust my boyfriend and try to be rational about things.

She told him she was taking a trip to the UK alone and he asked me if I would mind if she stayed with him so that she could save on accommodation and also have someone there who she knows and trusts. I said it was ok. I don't know why I said this.. I honestly felt ok about it at the time.

All the plans were made and he picked her up from the airport on a Sunday evening and I went back to uni. On Monday I was sat in my uni room alone studying and I text him to ask what he was up to. He said he had taken 'Claire' to the park and they were lay around on the grass. I immediately felt a rush of emotion imagining him strolling through the park with this woman. I couldn't control it I got very upset. I think it was because I was just sat there alone and he was with another woman. I trusted that he wouldn't do anything bad or disrespectful but I suddenly just felt very uncomfortable and like I was a bit of a mug. I tried not to tell him how I felt because what's done is done, she's here now. Nothing I can do. I just didn't realise that he would be out doing things with her. I thought he was just providing her a spare room to stay.

I did end up telling him how upset I was and he said "I did worry that this would happen". We ended up having an argument and I know that I am the one being unreasonable here. I said something was ok and then changed my mind once it happened. That's not his fault. I said I'd prefer it if he let her get on with things on her own. He was saying that it's unfair as she is in an unfamiliar country on her own and doesn't want to abandon her, and his mum agrees. Anyway she ended up staying in a hotel the next night.

It came to the weekend and I went to his. At this point she was in a hotel. I said I wanted to spend the weekend doing nice things together after our argument and just try to sort it out. I got to his to find an ovulation stick in his bathroom bin. Is it just me or is that weird? I don't know what is happening in her life. She may be struggling with conceiving and is being very strict with tracking. She already has 5 children though but that's none of my business. I just find it a bit rude to take an ovulation test and put it in the bin that's wide open. I would've wrapped it up and chucked it in the outside bin if I was in someone else's house. The bin doesn't have a lid. It's one of those bins you'd have in your bedroom but in the bathroom (he's a guy so never really had anything to put in it). I was a bit annoyed about it because I felt like she was taking the piss. But I tried to move past it and have a nice weekend. However he was just on his phone constantly replying to her texts while we were out. We had another argument and I have gone home to my mum's and we haven't spoken since.

I don't know where to go from here. I know this is my fault. But I really need some outside perspective on this. How would you feel? Do I even have a right to be upset? Do we just wait for her to go back home and then try and move past it or is it the end of the relationship? I'm trying to think logically and rationally without heightened feelings of jealousy in the way. But it's hard.

Personally I think you're being unfair given that it's his home and you agreed to it. You can feel upset but he asked you if it was ok and you said yes.

OP maybe thought that she'd be using the flat as a base and was then upset to hear that they were actually hanging out?
I mean who flies long-haul to go and sit in a park in Manchester?

Sounds like she’s interested in more than a friendship with your boyfriend. He probably knows that and is at least somewhat interested in the possibility of something or he wouldn’t be entertaining her. I’m not saying he’s necessarily physically cheating but all these late night convos sound like an emotional affair to me, and it’s disrespectful to you and your relationship.

I think you’d have much more fun at uni if you left this situation behind and enjoyed time with your friends or even dating someone more local.

He doesn’t sound worth the hassle tbh!

It's perfectly possible to be okay with the idea of something, but to find the reality of it uncomfortable or "off".

Honestly, I'm old and grumpy now, and I have 4 children, so I'm constantly tired, so I wouldn't have the patience for this nonsense. A relationship is supposed to make you happy and this one doesn't seem to be. At uni, you should be thinking about your studies and making a great life for yourself, not stressing out over a man like this. As a matter of interest, how much of this community he has built is women fawning over him?

Also, how a man handles conflict is really telling. Sulking is a really bad sign and doesn't bode well for a future together. Bin him off.

@RoadSignFool She left her 5 kids and flew to the UK “Just to see Manchester?”.

Yes, but she ended not seeing "Manchester " 🙄 (?)

I think you should forget about her completely. It really doesn’t matter what her motives are or what she’s up to. The thing you need to concentrate on is him, how he’s treating you and what he’s expecting you to be fine with.

If you’d said to him ‘hey man bun, I’ve been speaking to this man on line every day and night for a few months. We’ve really clicked, we get on great and he really understands my passion for French literature/botany/Eastenders, all the stuff I can’t talk to you about because you don’t understand them the way he does. He’s in an unhappy relationship and he’s leaving his 5 kids for a week and flying halfway around the world to visit me and stay at mine. I won’t be showing him the area or anything touristy, we’ll just be chilling out together at home and having picnics in the park. You don’t mind, do you?’ what would his response be? And if he agreed, only to find out that you’d spend your limited time together texting your visitor, how would he react? If you think he’d genuinely be fine with all of that, then great. If you think he’d have huge problems with it, then there are some imbalances in your relationship.

Also, I did end up telling him how upset I was and he said "I did worry that this would happen" what the actual fuck??? He thought about it enough to realise that the situation might cause you some distress but he did it anyway? We’ll if that doesn’t tell you where you come in the pecking order, I don’t know what will.

You can’t tell him what he can and can’t do, or who he can and can’t be friends with. But you absolutely can decide what you’re willing to tolerate. Dump this walking cliche on his arse and find someone who puts your feelings before some stranger on the internet. And please dump him by poem.

You could make a quilt out of those red flags.
Shes here to meet him. I wouldn't leave y 5 kids to go abroad on a long flight . Shes here to meet him to get away from her unhappy life
Id leave them to it.
You are young and deserve better

Clearly Manchester was top of her bucket list

Quite. I wouldn't trust this woman further than I could throw her. Your boyfriend is either naive or duplicitous.

This is odd to me. Even if he told her you had an issue with it (and why would he??) then how is her going to a hotel while you are there, to return back to his when you aren’t, the answer? Surely it would have been let us meet so she can see there’s nothing there, or she just draws a line and goes off on her own not wanting the drama.
The ovulation thing is also weird.
I would be tempted to pay an unannounced visit tbh. Or just forget him. Something doesn’t feel right here.

I don't think she used it to check whether it was safe to have sex. I think she tracks her cycles because she doesn't use contraception and does not want any more kids

Am I being thick or are these two things exactly the same? Tracking a cycle because doesn't use contraception and doesn't want kids hence checking whether it's safe to have sex. There's no contradiction there, is there?

That aside, I'm with (almost) everyone else. This is fishy AF. No mum of 5 chooses Manchester and its environs for her solo travel jaunt and man bun dick is either extremely naive or a bullshit artist. Not to be trusted either way.

My questions are
I don't understand why aren't you home from university for the summer? I'm not disbelieving you as I know there are summer schools but most folk come home until late September.
Speaking of schools, American children will surely starting their new academic year in mid August. What parent of five gets to swan off to Manchester for some Me Time just as this will be happening?

The guy sounds like a douche. A poetry Instagram? A man bun and a guitar? I bet he thinks he’s very deep. The woman leaving her 5 kids to stay with this hipster wannabe in Manchester sounds very lost. A man encouraging that, acting as some sort of saviour in a b-movie film obviously has no actual life experience.

Let's call a spade a spade – she's infatuated with your bf and made the trip here to attempt to get with him. That is just so plainly the most likely scenario. Whether your bf has been complicit in that is another matter.

You are completely allowed to 'see the light' on this and change your mind. Your bf should have known this was wildly inappropriate, and in fact I think he did if he said he 'thought this might happen'. Your feelings are allowed to change and he should prioritise them over a dodgy women he has known, and never met, for 6 months.

You're so young – I won't call you naive, because you're 23 and naivety is expected. You don't have to let people treat you like this – believe in your own strength of mind. Your bf is late 20s and he should absolutely know better.

She (wrongly given the pretentiousness to the point of having a man bun) thinks he has good genes so is trying to get pregnant by him @Whenthepartysover .

Well, I'dve though that's the main/one of the main reasons for someone to track ovulation while staying with a man.

Having a friend you text regularly who shares interests with you that your partner doesn't isn't having an "emotional affair" just because they are the same sex as you 😂

What is even an "emotional affair"? Its incredible unhealthy to insist on being absolutely everything to a partner and them insist on being your everything. People are allowed to have emotional connections with people. As long as they are not engaging in sexual activity with each other they are not having an affair and the concept of an emotional affair is a stretch unless the partner is fully investing in the friendship and just not showing up to the relationship when their partner is emotionally available. Friendships are not affairs.

Tbh i really think a lot of this thread is reaching.

It is ok to be feel jealous and insecure and its ok to talk to your partner and seek reassurance but you cant dictate who your partner is friends with.

Having a friend you text regularly who shares interests with you that your partner doesn't isn't having an "emotional affair" just because they are the same sex as you

I think that'd depend how many texts there were, plus if she deliberately comes that far primarily to stay with the bloke it's an extra indicator that she's into him, at least.

I think you and your BF are just a bit naieve - he probably was innocently inviting a friend to stay and she had other intentions.

IF it was me I would definitely take the time and effort to go over to Mnchstr and meet her before she goes - otherwise you will never really know and it will ensure that she sees the two of you together as a couple , which so far all she has managed to do is put distance between the two of you.

I think that 2 hour train trip would definitely put your mind at ease a bit or at lease find out exactly whats going on.

Sorry I should've cleared about the uni thing! Technically I am not back, we broke up in may but I am doing an animal science degree and they have offered an internship. Those of use who are choosing to do the internship have come in a few weeks earlier as we are going through a bit of training. It's not full days and technically I can leave, but I really want the extra training and don't see why I should drop this to run back to him to sort it

I have now actually finished for the day. I have contemplated getting a train back. Should I do this? Should I just call? I don't know

It's when you mix an emotional affair with ovulation sticks that things get er...dodgy?

OP, if you haven't come across the term 'limerence' before, google it. Your BF is this woman's limerent object and she is obsessed by him. And I'm not using the word obsessed lightly. He is her fantasy. She isn't seeing the real person, only a character she has created in her mind. Your BF is clearly thriving on the attention, though. I was once obsessed by an internet poet, we also chatted deep into the night for over a year, before I spent a weekend with him. (He didn't live in Manc, btw). It all ended badly.

The OP literally said this woman is in an unhappy marriage.

@babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo and you are SO naive. It's a very different thing someone implying a friend needs a crash pad to them hanging out with your partner all day, every day and using ovulation sticks whilst there. At 61 I am no longer cool about shit like this- had too many lovely friends over the years been taken for mugs..

They’re not genuine friends are they? They were texting each other all the time before they even met then she turns up on the other side of the world and they are lying around together in parks and she wants to know when she ovulated.

All very weird and suspicious.

Where are the five children now? Is it possible they are not hers?

I don't know why you think we all don't have friends of the opposite sex, and are deeply possessive. I am going away with one next month! In a small group.

But what I don't do is fly across the Atlantic to see one city, then stay in the flat of a stranger the whole time "sightseeing!". It would like be flying all the way to see Pittsburgh, then never leaving the flat. I mean what, this deeply poetic woman does not want to see the Lake District, or London, or Stonehenge, or Bath. Just the insides of man bun's flat?

What you went though is the sort of thing that would make most women uncomfortable and as people have said before, trust your gut! Our gut is very important in these things, I know because I’ve been there before. Also, your boyfriend spent the weekend texting that woman after you’ve just had a row because of her - he’s a dick and you can definitely do better than him.

I have contemplated getting a train back.
Would you get chance to meet her then? In that case I would.