Woman from America staying at my boyfriends place

[Whenthepartysover]

Me and my boyfriend have been together two years. I am 23 and he is 27. I am currently at uni in Leeds but I go to his at the weekends in Manchester.

He is a bit of an artsy type, he is a graphic designer and a freelance photographer. He writes poetry and has an Instagram account where he uploads all of his poems and short videos of spoken word. It's a bit of a community and he speaks to lots of people on the platform. He has been speaking to this woman now for a while. I didn't really have a problem with it because she lives in America and is married with 5 children. Plus I trust my boyfriend and try to be rational about things.

She told him she was taking a trip to the UK alone and he asked me if I would mind if she stayed with him so that she could save on accommodation and also have someone there who she knows and trusts. I said it was ok. I don't know why I said this.. I honestly felt ok about it at the time.

All the plans were made and he picked her up from the airport on a Sunday evening and I went back to uni. On Monday I was sat in my uni room alone studying and I text him to ask what he was up to. He said he had taken 'Claire' to the park and they were lay around on the grass. I immediately felt a rush of emotion imagining him strolling through the park with this woman. I couldn't control it I got very upset. I think it was because I was just sat there alone and he was with another woman. I trusted that he wouldn't do anything bad or disrespectful but I suddenly just felt very uncomfortable and like I was a bit of a mug. I tried not to tell him how I felt because what's done is done, she's here now. Nothing I can do. I just didn't realise that he would be out doing things with her. I thought he was just providing her a spare room to stay.

I did end up telling him how upset I was and he said "I did worry that this would happen". We ended up having an argument and I know that I am the one being unreasonable here. I said something was ok and then changed my mind once it happened. That's not his fault. I said I'd prefer it if he let her get on with things on her own. He was saying that it's unfair as she is in an unfamiliar country on her own and doesn't want to abandon her, and his mum agrees. Anyway she ended up staying in a hotel the next night.

It came to the weekend and I went to his. At this point she was in a hotel. I said I wanted to spend the weekend doing nice things together after our argument and just try to sort it out. I got to his to find an ovulation stick in his bathroom bin. Is it just me or is that weird? I don't know what is happening in her life. She may be struggling with conceiving and is being very strict with tracking. She already has 5 children though but that's none of my business. I just find it a bit rude to take an ovulation test and put it in the bin that's wide open. I would've wrapped it up and chucked it in the outside bin if I was in someone else's house. The bin doesn't have a lid. It's one of those bins you'd have in your bedroom but in the bathroom (he's a guy so never really had anything to put in it). I was a bit annoyed about it because I felt like she was taking the piss. But I tried to move past it and have a nice weekend. However he was just on his phone constantly replying to her texts while we were out. We had another argument and I have gone home to my mum's and we haven't spoken since.

I don't know where to go from here. I know this is my fault. But I really need some outside perspective on this. How would you feel? Do I even have a right to be upset? Do we just wait for her to go back home and then try and move past it or is it the end of the relationship? I'm trying to think logically and rationally without heightened feelings of jealousy in the way. But it's hard.

I've been saying the same but posters continue to say (with conviction) that it can only mean she's either trying to get pregnant with OPs boyfriend, or trying to shag him without getting pregnant 😂 apparently there is no other conceivable reason!

Much appreciated for the analysis, I was not sure with those. But it's certainly an odd one.

Didn’t the OP stated in one of her last posts she was going out with her BF and miss America? I can’t wait to hear how that went from the OP. Is she as nutty in person as she sounds? Did you ask her half way through dessert what’s the deal with the fertility stick? Or what is so fascinating about Manchester?

Emm I don't think it says anything about the relationship, if my partner had another person stayin with him it would for sure be a source of stress on the relationship too.
Also it is weird she's taken one of them.. looks like she's tryin to avoid or become pregnant!! Just my opinion!!!!!

You’re a much more reasonable woman than I am! I don’t think the ovulation stick is that weird as maybe she’s tracking her cycle as her form of contraception and if she’s recently started then you do need to track ovulation for a few months. Leaving it open in his bin is rude though. But I personally would never be ok with my boyfriend inviting a woman from the internet to stay in his home and I would question both of their intentions. You’re young, still at uni and have your whole life ahead of you and he doesn’t sound a great life partner tbh.

This bit sounds so strange. Even if some of the spark has gone from their romance, you can be sure as shit most parents waiting at home with five kids on their hands would be interested in the other parents’ whereabouts. 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP I think you are being massively over dramatic and controlling, and quite frankly a little ridiculous. If I were your boyfriend I’d have run out if patience by now.
Your boyfriend is allowed to have female friends and there is nothing wrong with taking a stroll with them in a park. You said you didn’t mind her staying at his, and the reason makes total sense since she is coming from US. I wouldn’t hesitate to host a male friend at mine and would have a massive issue if my boyfriend had a problem with it. Why don’t you trust him?
Your issues with the ovulation stick are absurd. It Means absolutely nothing in its own and it’s none of your business why she is tracking . No reason at all why she shouldn’t put it in the bin.
All in all I don’t not get this post at all.
YABU

Again, a point that has been raised multiple times - why would she need to track her cycle when she is in a poor marriage, she has 5 children already and her husband is miles away in another country. If she was tracking her most fertile period for her husband then just use the ovulation sticks again when you get home. It won’t affect her cycle or fertility window by not using the sticks while she’s away. And more to the point why would she need ‘ovulation stick contraception’ when she is in a country miles away from her husband? The purpose of these sticks is to monitor your fertile window and not a form of contraception. She is going to get pregnant just by not using a stick while she’s away in Manchester (unless she intends to have sex) - they are not oral contraceptives which you need to take every day otherwise it will affect your cycle for weeks to come! And why would she even need contraception while she is staying with a complete stranger she met off the internet unless she intended to have sex?

Constantly messaging her when you were out with him would be the end for me. Something is not right here. He’s gaslighting you but making you out to be paranoid. You’re not. I’d walk away. If he loves you, he’ll send her packing for good and apologise to you.

What I meant was - if she’s using an app to track her cycle, these aren’t accurate until months of your individual cycle data has been inputted. So perhaps recently she started to use an app/cycle tracking as contraception and was tracking her ovulation to input into the app. It’s irrelevant in that case whether she was having sex or not. But that wasn’t me saying that OPs boyfriend wasn’t having sex with her - of course he probably was, or at least she wanted to if she flew across the world to stay in his apartment - just my explanation of why the ovulation stick alone wouldn’t bother me.

To those saying that no woman would leave 5 children at home to travel overseas and stay at some random persons. I most definitely would. My husband would be fine with it as well.
They have been chatting online for 6 months or so. So not exactly strangers. Also he is being kind by showing her the sights.

If I had 5 children by 33, I would take every opportunity to run as far as I could and shack up with a stranger! 😀

She could be - however when you look at the bigger picture and add the dots - woman dumps husband and 5 children to travel across the Atlantic to meet a complete stranger she met online. She then stays at his home, they go out for cosy little walks in the park and lay on the grass together, then Mrs America goes to stay in a hotel because op is not happy with the amount of time her and op’s bf are spending together and rather than go out sight seeing and do her own thing, she spends day and night messaging op’s boyfriend! Op has also found ovulation sticks in her bf’s bin! It seems far too much of a coincidence that she is just ‘tracking her cycle’ and is starting to look more like some weird infatuation she has with the op’s boyfriend and could possibly be trying to get pregnant! Someone wouldn’t dump your 5 kids in America to fly all the way over to England (Manchester of all places) and then stay indoors, not want to explore her surroundings and is constantly in contact with op’s bf all day and night and wanting to spend time with him!

Well i think the whole scenario is v odd

she left 5 kids at home and travelled to another continent, alone to stay with a stranger?

how bloody dangerous and risky!

whilst there she does an ovulation test?

btw are you sure it’s an ovulation stick not pregnancy test? Some cheap ones look the same

He's prioritising her over you at every turn, she is completely in his head space. I'd run a fucking mile OP.

Mancunian here- and there is NO WAY that Manchester is on any American’s wish list! Firstly, most Americans have only heard of London & secondly, if this woman is working, she will not have the annual leave to spare, just to faff about in parks, mainly in the sodding rain. American workers only get about 2 weeks’ paid leave.
As others have said, you’re a young, intelligent woman OP; don’t let this guy gaslight you.

I get why this is upsetting you OP. However I think to be fair to him if she says 'I'd love to go for a walk in the park today' what is he supposed to say? No, my GF wouldn't like it?

I think he sounds like a nice person in terms of how's he treated her, and getting annoyed with you still being upset is understandable in my opinion because I'm not sure what else he could have done in the circumstances as he is in a difficult position. At least she went to a hotel, he could have just said you were being ridiculous and cancelled your visit.

I think you've maybe overly romanticised what's happening between them, judging by your reaction to a simple walk in the park. That's not to say that your instincts aren't right and she isn't interested in him, but it doesn't at all sound to me like he's interested in her. More likely flattered by her attention.

In terms of your relationship I think you just need to understand within yourself why this has upset you and set clear expectations with him for the future to avoid any further issues. If he won't accept what you're asking for and shuts you down, perhaps you aren't compatible. My view in relationships is if on balance it is making you happy more often than sad then it's worth at least trying to work on it before calling it quits.

PS I have two children and my partner definitely wouldn't know an ovulation test if it hit him in the face (or sat in his bin!).

PPS the woman does sound very 'kooky'. Will be interesting to meet her - perhaps you can find out her childcare arrangements:-D

The Ovulation Stick is a red herring.
Its how Man Bun behaved before this, retreating into his artistic space, being horribly rude and silent when visiting her Grandparents in Wales, and making her feel so bad that she used to cry in the shower on returning from visiting him.
He underplayed the whole pre-organised American visit so that OP said she was fine with it
and since then has been spending all his time with American, texting OP to tell her they were doing things like lying in the grass in that amazing Mancunian park together - which he was happy to tell OP about and then reprimanding her for feeling jealous and backtracking on agreeing that American should stay, blaming OP for forcing the American to stay in a hotel on the day OP visited (which she didn't) and then spending his time with OP responding to copious text from the American.

I wouldnt say the OP is jealous as much as suspicious and I think that is fair enough.

I dunno, maybe the American is just a massive Oasis fan and is planning to see Noel G in Manc this Saturday and they've spent their time arguing over which Gallagher Brother is the best performer and will the band ever get back together and its all completely innocent.
Yes that will be it.

I can’t help thinking she just came to see him. He may just be a bit naive but he doesn’t seem bothered the situation is upsetting for you. She will be gone again soon , so hopefully you won’t be so upset. Maybe you could try and keep busy at uni , go out with friends in Leeds at the weekend , give you both time to process what’s happened. Would he be happy for a male you’d befriended but never met , come and stay and spend time with you ? And the ovulation test does seem odd.

Another vote for the Plath X Hughes fantasy here. NO ONE goes to the trouble of sorting out the logistics of leaving five kids, gets on a plane from the US to come to the UK for just a week. And if they do, they sure as shit don't spend it in some anonymous park in Manchester.

They think they have a 'connection' and I suspect it will only be a matter of time before one of them tries to patronise you by telling you about this 'special connection'. She is a bored housewife who has fallen for your DBs artsy poems, and he is a fantasist with a massive ego.

I'd walk.

Hello American lady!

You deserve better @Whenthepartysover

Perhaps manbundick can learn this on his guitar….

It’s all weird. Step back. Watch. Thank your lucky stars you are not living with or married to this man. Maybe it’s time to bring this relationship to an end?