Mum Drama

[StarShine23]

We have a 6month old baby, who is amazing but I'm having trouble with my mum which is spoiling this precious time.

My mum struggles with her mental health and is making it very difficult to have a relationship with her, or her with my child.
I've barely seen her since the baby was born as we had a massive fall out hours after the baby was born. She posted news of the birth on FB and kicked off when we told her to take it down.

We've tried to meet up with her and introduce her to the baby, but she is so volatile with her mood swings. Every time we meet her, we come away feeling hurt and upset. She's now sending really nasty messages, blaming me for her being lonely and miserable and punishing her for one little mistake.

I hate being at odds with my mum, but her nastiness and volatility is really stressing me out. I want to protect the baby from.this as I can tell she picks up on it when I'm upset.

AIBU to not want to put up with mums drama anymore and focus on my own child and happiness

Absolutely keep your baby away from that. You do not need this, and neither do they.
Sorry that your going through this at such a precious (and vulnerable) time
And sorry that your mum is struggling with her MH too - she probably needs support, but you need love and support too.
Do you have supportive partner? Friends? Family?

Sorry your mum is struggling and sorry that you are experiencing motherhood without her support and positive involvement in your lives.

I'd keep her at an arms length and urge her to get MH help. I might face time when I feel emotionally strong to deal with her and keep it brief. She's ill but it's no excuse to be abusive. BOUNDARIES.

I'm torn between feeling guilty and like I should help my mum, and wanting to protect myself and the baby.
We've been talking to her for years about getting help. She'll start something but never sees it through.
I'm lucky to have a supportive partner, he's put up with my mum's chaos for years, supporting me to do what I think is right (which is usually whatever mum wants to make her feel better).But now, because its having an impact on our child he's struggling to stay neutral.

How do you set up boundaries that actually work with your mum?? Any advice??

Sorry, no advice as such, I think your situation is difficult.
I write this cautiously, because I don't want to offend - but it does sound (to me) like there's an element of manipulation there.
Perhaps your mum doesn't intend to, but I guess you've become a bit of a crutch for her.
But I think now your a mum, your priorities have changed massively. Someone else (a professional) needs to have that role.

I think your doing the right thing by protecting your baby, and yourself, from this.

Does she behave better in public? Meet in a cafe instead of either of your homes.. Can you invite another relative for support? Face time for now then you can hang up.. She still gets to see the baby but you can control the environment..

I hope my comment is at least a bump if my suggestions aren't that useful but when I said boundaries I was thinking things like:

• Agreeing on one day a week to call her and keeping the call short
• Agreeing on seeing her for a short period and making it clear you only have 45 mins or an hour from the offset to manage her expectations.
• Going to see her or calling her when you feel emotionally up for it, if its a day you are so tired and already don't have much energy or patience, text her to reschedule or skip that week, put yourself first
• Firmly changing the subject when she starts to go off and if she gets hurt, you end the call or meeting. If you are physically together you could excuse yourself to the toilet for a breather.
• If your mum behaves better in a group, meeting up when there is company if she is less likely to wallow and moan in company
• Prepare stock phrases to say when she gets difficult such as: well mum we are here now, it's in the past now, well today is a new day, anyway mum how is the film/job/shopping trip/project change to something she likes talking about or is non triggering for you
• Maybe it's meeting up with her for a cinema (baby film screening) where you can't talk and have a coffee 20 minutes before or after the film to 'catch up' or invite her to kids activities or somewhere where you need to keep walking, focusing on an activity rather than sitting and talking