To have told a friend mum has a medical condition

[IndigoLaFaye]

Back at the height of COVID I told a friend that my mum has a respiratory condition. I said this in terms of being particularly concerned about her catching COVID.

At no point has mum ever told me that she doesn't want people knowing and I don't really see the issue.

She's just come in from seeing the mum of my friend who I told and challenged me about why I told the friend, and "She thought she could trust me", apparently it's really upset her and it's private.

So, was I being unreasonable in telling my friend this information?

Yes you were, your mum's medical issues are private and it wasn't your place to share

Unfortunately, yes you were wrong to tell your friend. She was also wrong to tell her mum, and her mum was wrong to put your mum on the spot by bringing it up.

This is why you should keep things private as information spreads so easily. I'm sure you never meant to upset your mum though so just apologise, learn from it, and move on

I don't think you've done anything wrong, unless you were asked to keep the condition a secret, but your mum is obviously not comfortable with her medical info being shared, so lesson learned for the future I guess. I have a condition I've told some people about, and haven't asked them to keep it private, but I'd be surprised if a third party brought it up with me.

I also think YABU. Medical information is private.

Personally, I'm of the opinion that any medical info someone discloses to me is private and I wouldn't share unless they very explicitly said it was okay to do so, or if they were very obviously open about it (like mentioning it on social media for example)

However sometimes people don't quite get that, so if I share anything about myself with anyone then I do always clarify that it's private if I want them to keep it to themselves.

I think YABU but obviously you meant well - I think this is one of those situations where it's best to assume it's confidential unless told otherwise, but hopefully your mom will be clear about expecting privacy going forward too

I think YANBU, if she wanted it kept quiet she should have said. I wouldn't assume that information is private if it was me.
The posters saying medical information is private - yes if you are a health care professional. If I saw someone my parents knew at the hospital I work at I wouldn't tell my parents because with my health care professional hat on that's private information that I'm only privy to because of my job so it's entirely different

Your friends mum has a big mouth bringing something up she heard third hand.

Well you have, because it was private and your mum is now upset. But you weren’t to no, it sounds like an innocent mistake really, just apologise to your mum and explain.

I don't think you were being unreasonable at all tbh. I know when my dad was sick and dying that this is how I dealt with it - by having conversations with friends about him or what was wrong with him.

If someone tells you something in confidence then I wouldn’t be telling anyone else.

However, if I’m told something generally I don’t think I need to keep it secret. I would think it’s reasonable for you to confide in a friend, especially during Covid.

It’s taken a long time for your mum to find out you’ve told someone else, so that makes me feel she was hoping to inform friend’s mum herself, so is annoyed that her news was taken from her.

YANBU

you told your friend because you were worried about how vulnerable she was/is with covid. It's not like you told her she was having her piles removed for the hell of it. If it was a state secret you mum should have said so.

I understand your point of view but, respectfully, yes you were being unreasonable. I have a long term condition which while I'm fairly open with good friends, I do still keep fairly quiet. A relative knew of my condition because we were staying with her during a flare up and told a friend of hers what was wrong with me at a later stage. Whilst I do know this lady she is very much a friend of my relative and not someone I would consider a friend and therefore tell. There was also a feeling that they had been gossiping about something very personal to me and I can't find a reason why this person would need to know. Whilst I'm (kinda) over it now, it has made me much more wary about what I share with this person as my trust in her has been damaged.

People are weird about medical issues. I don't think you've done anything wrong. As you can see others feel differently. The reason people judge/discriminate against others based on health or disability is that 99 per cent of people don't discuss what's going on with their health - catch 22.

YANBU - wouldn't occur to me not to tell a friend my parent had a respiratory condition. If they want to keep it private they will.

My dad has a respiratory condition. Several actually. Everyone in his life needs to know because they then understand his noisy breathing, his inability to walk far, his inability to eat more than a very small amount at a meal, his exhaustion levels, his need to cancel if anyone attending an event has a respiratory infection because it might kill him… He is very disabled by it. By knowing, if not that detail, but the fact that he has disabling respiratory health problems, he is able to have a more active social life with considerate and caring friends.

I’ve been upset when people have shared private medical information about me with other people, but I had told them to not tell anyone and they did anyway. I trust them with nothing now. As you say your mother didn’t say not to say anything so you weren’t really to know she wanted to keep it private so it’s a bit of a grey area. You shouldn’t have said anything, but at the same time you probably wanted context for your friend why you were overly concerned about your mum catching COVID.
You need to accept you’ve upset her and apologise.

Same for me it was a huge help.

Thanks everyone - bit of a mixed response.

I have apologised and it seems that it's more about who I told rather than I said anything at all, which for me is additionally confusing but hey ho. Lesson learnt.

There's no one answer, depends on the person involved and whether they had told you to keep it private of course but in general if someone freely told me a medical issue and I knew they were usually someone who isnt private I'd assume it was OK to mention it if relevant

In COVID it seemed to me that people couldn't wait to tell you Iif hey thought they were a special case so understandable you wouldn't think it confidential