To think it shouldn’t always be me

[Laburnam]

Anyone else always feel they make all the effort in friendships and with family ?
Always seem to be the one checking in with my sister, we have no issues but would be nice if she sometimes initiated it. Also arranging nights out with groups of friends on what’s app always me suggesting the next meeting. Everyone is enthusiastic to meet once I have reached out but be nice for someone else to show willing.

Yea I was this person and whenever I stopped everything social stopped too. One friend would only ever suggest we meet when we had physically bumped into each other so I guess she is very out of sight, out of mind….

ivw cut my circle down drastically now

I'm a bit like your friends. I like my friends and would help them out if they ever had problems but I can fill my leisure time with solo pursuits so am rarely the one that suggests meeting up.

In fact I think that I have relied on others to initiate for so long that I sometimes find it difficult to write a message to suggest doing something. I think I don't like to make them feel obligated to say yes to seeing me if it's inconvenient. Silly I know.

But if someone said to me jokingly that the next time we meet up was up to me as they weren't going to arrange it I would probably listen and reach out so it was less one sided. Or you could arrange the next meet up while you are together so it's already in the diary. One friend does this with me and makes me get my phone out and put the next date in and I don't mind.

Before reading this I was thinking I should send a message to a friend about catching up this weekend so will do that now!

It’s the same here. I always sort everything. I’ve pulled back with friends and have noticed only 1 who bothers to stay in touch without me initiating. It sucks xx

I have a couple of best friends who are brilliant but do wonder what would happen if I didn’t bother at all, especially with my sister.

This was also me, particularly with my brother and his family. I've mostly stopped bothering, he is in touch sometimes, but I realise I can't be all that important to him as it's always just been down to me. So now we have greatly reduced contact and I don't feel the pressure on maintaining it.

I think often within friendships there is an organiser and it doesn’t occur to other people to take on that role. I’m in a group of 3 friends and I’ve just realised that one person always suggests the meet ups because she’s more organised than the rest of us; it now makes me think that I will suggest the next one but it hadn’t really occurred to me until reading this that’s it’s always her

I have joked with my sister that it would be nice if she got in touch on the rare occasion she does she will say “guess who?” albeit in a jokey way but I am always there for the more serious stuff that goes on in her life and now I have some family stuff would be nice if she could reciprocate

I don't really get the angst over this. Every family/group has the organiser, the fun one, the cook etc.

I think it’s more then that though, when you’re there for friends and family and maybe it’s your turn to have some support

I take the opposite view and explicitly say to my friends that I am willing to make more effort to see them than they will to see me, because most of them have kids and I don't so my life is objectively usually easier to organise. I also moved far away from my core friendship group and have a small house so cannot have families to stay, so will go stay with my friends instead of having them come to me. It's also usually me suggesting we have catch up calls etc. We all love it when we do it so I don't feel miffed that I am the one suggesting and organising it to make sure it happens - I like investing in my friendships and have learned not to take it personally when people are too busy to stay in touch frequently or suggest meeting up to do things. Friendships take effort like other relationships, and sometimes it will be more on your side and sometimes more on theirs.

That said, I used to wish I was closer to my sister and found it frustrating she didn't want a closer relationship like I did, but you cannot force these things. I stopped expecting as much from her, and am happier now as a result.

I think it’s more then that though, when you’re there for friends and family and maybe it’s your turn to have some support

Well not giving support is different.

I'm not the organiser but I'm the listener/advisor if my friends/family need support/guidance they come to me.

Just step back, OP. Not only will you feel aggrieved to always be the one reaching out, but if you are also the organiser every time you'll get the moans and no thanks at all from lazy people who never organise anything.

I have two DD and this will be them when they are adults. The younger one is a bundle of love and affection and the older one is aloof and distant. They get on brilliantly when they are together, and the older one will always be there when needed - it’s just that she will need explicitly telling when that is!
You’re taking it too much to heart, OP - possibly you have empathy whereas your sister is a little lost in that department. You need to reframe your expectations. I’ve had to do this with my DP for similar reasons…

Just thinking the same! I'm always the one that does this that and the other as I'm the "capable one" who gets shit done. I've spent hours dealing with financial issues for people for example. ( I was an accountant in a previous role) There's many other things I can think of but I'd be here all day.
The thing that's tipped me over the edge is a thoughtless comment from someone, so I've decided I'm not going to be chasing anyone to check up on them, reminding them to do things and just waiting for them to contact me. I'll report back.

I've noticed this and I've backed right off and just organise stuff for me to do now
I'm much happier as there's no disappointment

I think perhaps I do have too much empathy so will step back and see where that goes I guess my worry is the relationship with my sister will dry up completely and the friendship groups.

It's always me when it comes to my sister and I as well. I honestly can't remember the last time she initiated a get-together.

TBH though, it doesn't really bother me. She has autism, and social things aren't really very high up her list of things she enjoys. That being said, when I suggest something, she's always game for it.

Having read this, I've just text her about having dinner with me sometime next week. :)

I used to feel like this. So I decided to stop bothering with anything beyond normal efforts. Life became much simpler and I found out who my genuine friends were.

I realised I had become the unofficial designated 'organiser' for our friendship group.

I enjoyed making arrangements and sorting it all out so we would have a lovely time together. There was a moan, a very gentle one to be fair but a moan never the less, about a location I picked. I apologised to the person that moaned and said that they could pick next time and she said 'Oh, no. but that is your jo...b, sorry I meant that is your thing, right? I don't want to step on your toes'

Its been two years and we have not been out, met up or done a thing since.

We chat by text and keep up with whats going on with each other and every week someone will always mention getting together, but I no longer jump in to make the arrangements, so it just doesn't materialise, and I am OK with that.