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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband too friendly with ex…asking him to stop contact

23 replies

RachieStevens · 16/08/2023 00:41

My husband and I have been married for 8 years. We have a daughter together. My husband was a player before we got together I do know that and he’s been honest about that, but he says he’s never been with anyone since being with me and I believe him.

Back story regarding his ex…he had a casual mostly sexual relationship with her over 15 years ago. They seem to have stayed in contact on and off all this time over text or WhatsApp. The messages I’ve read seem ok and it’s never really bothered me as I trust him.

He once asked me to meet her as we were looking at possibly having a threesome and he suggested her. Me and her remained on speaking terms after then, even added each other on Facebook but she turned down our threesome offer so nothing happened with that.

Now we have recently moved into our lovely forever home, it just so happened that his ex actually now also lives in the same neighbourhood a road down from us. I have noticed them getting more friendly and they seem to “bump” into each other a lot on walks in daytime. He used to have WhatsApp thread with her that seemed quite innocent but now he seems to delete any messages with her!! I noticed a video call between the two on his phone. Then also my husband works away from home a place 3 hours away, and she happened to be in the same city the same day (I saw this on Facebook - I don’t know if they met up.) I just have a gut feeling something is going on!! Would it be unreasonable to ask him to cut contact with her!?

OP posts:

notapizzaeater · 16/08/2023 00:48

Far too many coincidences here. I'd start getting my ducks in a row

sobercuriouskind · 16/08/2023 00:56

They are either having a physical or emotional affair. Sorry OP.

Janedoe82 · 16/08/2023 01:00

I don’t think he will stop contact even if you ask him. Will just keep it more secret. Speaking from experience. Your issue is she was there first and sounds like as it was casual nothing ever properly ended. Sorry.

WandaWonder · 16/08/2023 01:03

He is not a child I would not ask for him to stop, it is up to me whether I put up with it though

fullbloom87 · 16/08/2023 01:04

*He remained in contact with a women he had a predominantly sexual relationship with for 15 years.

*he asked you to have a threesome with her.

*they coincidentally bump into each other on walks

*they do videos calls with eachother.

*he 'worked' away and she just happened to be in the same location.

What's it going to take for you to realise this man is only your husband on paper??

Cantrushart · 16/08/2023 01:09

I think you might have paved the way by approaching her for a threesome.

HeddaGarbled · 16/08/2023 01:13

What’s the point? If it’s not her it’ll be someone else. He’s not monogamous and you seem to have indicated to him that you aren’t either.

xxalhxx · 16/08/2023 01:28

I say this all the time but cheating doesn't always have to be physical once you start hiding conversations or deleting conversations your half way there if your unhappy with this situation then you need to set some boundaries I wouldn't like my partner to be speaking to his ex regardless she turned down your threesome offer that should of been the end to her

Kitkatcatflap · 16/08/2023 02:08

If he suggested her for a threesome he was still thinking of her sexually regardless of it actually taking place ..... and now you move to the same neighborhood, just a road down! I won't bother listing all the other coincidences. You know what is going on

MsDogLady · 16/08/2023 07:46

There’s been a significant shift: their friendlier dynamic, video calls, and frequent meet-ups, both locally and probably out of town; his blocking transparency by deleting their messages.

@RachieStevens, my take is this. Ex wasn’t interested in the threesome, but she was open to an affair with H — and that is what’s happening. She has clearly been in his head for a long time. When faced with the temptation presented by her living nearby, he didn’t choose to protect his fidelity. This is a betrayal of both you and DD.

I don’t know the time frame here or how far down the line they are. He’s an experienced player who is deleting, but you may catch a slip-up if you keep an eye on his devices/statements/pockets. As you suggested, you may want to mention that he and Ex seem closer now — that you are uncomfortable and want him to distance himself. Or, you could confront him with his suspicious behavior and remind him how much he stands to lose, as you aren’t prepared to be made a fool of. He may shut it down with Ex and be truly remorseful, but he might gaslight you and take it further underground.

@RachieStevens, I’m afraid that the horse has bolted and returned to his former ways. You’d be wise to formulate an exit plan.

CurlewKate · 16/08/2023 07:57

@RachieStevens Just in case you need to hear this. If you don't-sorry but I'm old enough to be your mother! Remember, you can say no to anything he suggests. Including threesomes. Only do things you are excited and enthusiastic about. I would stake my house on it being his idea.

StopStartStop · 16/08/2023 08:01

'Here, duckie duckies! Here! Next to each other now, in a nice row!'

He's shagging her, OP. He's done it before, it's easy to reconnect with a former partner. Maybe he hasn't quite got there yet... but even so, do you still want him, knowing that he wants to?

crumpet · 16/08/2023 08:11

You’re not unreasonable to think that something might be up.

but if it is, you asking him to cut contact will probably have no effect. He’s a player. What will you do if there is something going on and he doesn’t cut contact? You need to think about that.

Blossomtoes · 16/08/2023 08:16

This reply has been deleted

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Joeylove88 · 16/08/2023 08:24

Everything you have said sounds incredibly dodgy! At the very least I would not be wanting my partner to be messaging a women he used to have alot of sex with. At the worst they are having a full blown physical and emotional affair. To me there is definitely something going on there. I would be confronting him about the stuff you are 100% sure of and about how your feeling just be honest and say your losing trust because of his behaviour. If he reacts defensive with you then to be honest you have your answer. If by some miracle this turns out to be completely innocent he should still be cutting all ties with this woman if he really loves you because there's no reason for her to still be in his life.

KajsaKavat · 16/08/2023 08:26

You can’t ask a grown man tk stop talking to someone but you can leave him if you dont trust him, and it does sound like you have reason not to trust him…

Morewineplease10 · 16/08/2023 08:35

My 'D'H was like this with his ex. I'd asked him to cut contact with her and he refused.

I should have ended it then. A year or two later an affair was uncovered. He gaslit me for months. I became seriously unwell.

Then he left me for her.

If you need proof there are air tags. Or private detective. I didn't do this and regret it. I needed the closure.

If you just ask him he's NOT going to just tell you.

It does sound like something is going on.

SmileyClare · 16/08/2023 08:36

We approached her for a threesome

You were fine with him shagging her if you were watching?
I’m pretty sure that was his idea?

Hes treating you like a mug.

Newnamehiwhodis · 16/08/2023 08:36

It would have been over, for me, when he asked about a threesome.
creep. He made his wishes loud and clear.

Owjrbvr · 16/08/2023 08:44

I’d be watching what happens closely rather than indicating you’re worried; if he wants something to happen then it will and he’ll be more secretive if he thinks you have any inkling. Sorry op but it sounds like something has started

5128gap · 16/08/2023 08:44

Well given he suggested her for your threesome he's obviously still sexually attracted to her. He also likes her enough as a person to stay friendly, so the relationship is certainly not straightforward friends is it? Whether she constitutes a threat to your relationship, as in will he cheat with her or leave you for her is a different matter. I'd imagine that if you bring other people into your sex life them you have a history of setting boundaries, which would include veto ing certain relationships? So if you don't like it ask him to stop.

ElEmEnOhPee · 16/08/2023 08:45

15 years is a long time for a casual sexual relationship, is there any reason they didn't get together properly during that time? and has that reason changed?

Humidititties · 16/08/2023 08:54

This reply has been deleted

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