To think this behaviour is unacceptable

[LAE2023]

I have two teenage step kids who generally like to make fun of people alot. Not to their faces unless it’s their friends or each other. But I don’t feel comfortable they way they talk about some people.
for example, they will talk about people at school with red hair and laugh about about the colour of their hair like it’s a bad thing to have that hair colour,, they make fun of the autistic kid, they joke about having adhd, they make fun of religion or people who are overweight, or recently people they reckon are depressed and having mental health issues.
for some reason the only behaviour that they understand is racist is where it concerns skin colour, but to the point where DH and I can’t even comment an object being black on colour without then calling us racist. Or the fact we prefer dogs over cats for a pet some day, that also claim is racist?!
now obviously I don’t agree with any sort of racism or prejudice concerning the colour of skin, but it’s frustrating that my step kids think that is the only type of racism or prejudice.
how can I get through to them that making fun of people for the colour of their hair, wearing glasses, religion, speech impediments, size, mental health issues and disabilities/conditions is just as bad as being racist about skin colour?

They call you racist for commenting on the colour of an object or dog? Are they pulling your leg/trying to be funny? Or are they seriously inferring you are racist?

How old are your step-sons? Do they hear this type of negative comments elsewhere?

Hi @Anothernamethesamegame
to be honest they are probably trying to be funny when they call us out, but it’s ALL the time so it’s annoying but also makes me think they don’t actually take racism seriously at all?!
bit the rest of it is just constant, and they find it funny when something unjust happens to someone ie someone getting beaten up at school. They are both girls and are 14 & 15.
my brother is autistic and overweight, wears glasses, my family is religious, so even though they are not making fun of my family directly, I do take it quite personally.
we do pull them up on it all the time. I don’t know where they hear it, but when they come over they talk about things they have watched in tv like South Park etc so I don’t think that helps. Although they are old enough to know what’s right and wrong. They don’t seem to have any empathy but some people tell me that’s normal for teenagers?!

Asian here! 👋

They don’t seriously think you or your DH are racist. They’re winding you up and trying to shut you up.

It’s admirable that you’re trying to teach them to be better, but they both just sound like bitchy teenage girls who have mean sense of humours.

I also wouldn’t be surprised if they themselves make racist / xenophobic comments to people they feel comfortable with.

Are they so perfect and gorgeous and wonderful themselves? I’m assuming not because if they were they would be being so mean.

The next time they made a comment about someone, I would be so tempted to say “have you looked in the mirror, you’re no oil painting yourself!” But that’s too harsh for a SMum to say.

Tbh, their parents should have given them a massive bollocking when they started talking like this and taught them being mean is unacceptable.

You could just try responding with “stop being a mean girl”, “stop being mean”, “have you said this to their face? because if not, you’re being two faced”.

Hopefully it’s a phase and they’ll learn some empathy. If not, life will certainly teach them because other people will not put up their behaviour.

Teenagers are in the process of developing empathy (some more so than others) and they often can’t put themselves in the place of others to imagine how it feels. They need to be taught this repeatedly and have it modelled. That’s not to say it isn’t highly annoying and what they find funny is often not nice at all. Its a drip effect of keeping on saying to them that it’s not nice to talk about people like that, they wouldn’t like it if people did it to them, that in the adult world those kinds of comments can get you in trouble. Sometimes as well it’s fine to just shut them down and be firm that you’re not interested in listening to them being mean about other people

I'd just keep reminding them that whilst what they say at home may be an in family joke, out in the big wide world they can't be making sneery comments based on someones characteristics

They are taking the piss out if you, fairly common teen behaviour

My advice would be to COMPLETELY IGNORE THEM

They are doing it for attention and you are giving it to them, so just don't rise to it

One day soon, they'll take the piss out of the wrong person and will be shown the error of their ways

Also, they're teenagers and teenagers are notoriously obnoxious! Just blank them and they'll soon get the message

That’s what teenagers do. I just tell mine ‘they’re obviously right’ and move on. They know I don’t think they’re right, but they’re tiresome and it’s the easiest way to end the tit for tat. Just don’t take the bait, because that is all it is.

Thanks all. Guess I’m not used to teenagers and I know I wasn’t a normal teenager (had no friends, quiet, did everything my parents asked of me, was never embarrassed to be around them etc - so I just get so surprised when i see these attitudes as I don’t feel it’s ok

I'd be telling them, every time, about being an arsehole about anyone they take the piss out of. They sound frankly horrible

If they were my kids I'd do it back to them and shut down stupid comments and them being mean about others .

Since they seem to be so "caught on" racism just reframe it "would it be ok to laugh at x because she's black instead of ginger ?" or throw all the other isms at them . Simple statements no discussion that's disablist,sexist, homophobic, xenophobic etc. Whatever you do ,don't engage into a debate/argument with them. It's pointless. Eventually you might have to accept they're arseholes and hope they grow out of it without a serious lesson to help them along the way like being branded as bullies,getting beaten up etc.

I would be direct and say 'I find that language unacceptable. I would not want anyone to say such cruel things about you and I don't think it's ok to say it about others'.

If mine did this I'd be very disappointed, your kids being decent is the number one goal of parenting.

Being called racist if anyone says anything about ginger red hair (and dog and cat thing wouldn’t be unheard of) is standard amongst teens in this house, so I’d be tempted to throw it back at them.

It's not ok.

It's not you, it's them. But you can't parent them. Their dad needs to.

You can just state your views, every single time. You don't have to ignore it.

I dont think they seem bad kids OP. I am sure whatever they say between them bears no resemblance to how they would address people in public. The kids have had a rough deal over the past 3/4 years and fun is often a way of just dealing with complicated issues.I am sure they will grow up to be just fine. Give them some leeway and let them grow. It doesnt seem like there is any malice in them. The world has gone bizarre with labels for people and not for the better in my view I cant keep up with what you can say and what you cant its mental.Let them be.

They sound unpleasant. Teenagers absolutely do have empathy and know what is OK or not. They may well be showing off but I would react by telling them that what they are saying is unkind or mean. If they are saying things about people who have mental health difficulties or disabilities I would tell them that most people found those views unacceptable and that they sound very old fashioned and out of step with the modern world.