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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To beg for help with toddler

15 replies

craigth162 · 15/08/2023 17:22

I have a toddler (3) and a teen - both boys. I. A single parent although eldests dad is involved. Youngests isnt by his own choice.
Youngest son has some health issues/disabilities and delays. Not long started walking. He has attended nursery p/t since 18 months to help him. I have only just gone back to work this summer as his hrs increased and he has been medically more stable. Ths issue i havenow is his behaviour. Its awful. I cry every day andam so upset frustrated and embarrassed. He hits me and his brother all the time and has started biting and scratching. I say no and remove him but he crawls after us to keep going while saying kind hands no hitting. He does it to the nursery staff too but not quite as bad. The throws things at people and shouts and screaches. Ive spoken to health visitor and nursery etc and begged for help but nothing. He has epilepsy, hydrocephalus and cerebral palsy. I dont know where to turn now and find myself wishing id neverhad him. I never have a minute not working or with him. He ruined most of the activities we tried to do for his brothers bday and tbh spoils most days out etc. No one wants to babysit (understandably).

Aibu to beg any and all agencies for help? Id happily give him up for adoption the way things are just now.

OP posts:
Yolo12345 · 15/08/2023 17:33

💐 for you

VinEtFromage · 15/08/2023 17:40

(((HUG)) 💐

that's a LOT of issues to deal with.

No advice sorry, but have you asked if any of the nursery staff would babysit for a special occasion. Like DS1's 18th?

i know it doesn't help much, but if I knew you I'd babysit. Have you asked people or just assumed they wouldn't?

i don't know what other agencies/charities you could approach.

just wanted to send some love & strength to you & to say, it's not surprising you feel the way you do sometimes. It's beyond bloody hard.

VinEtFromage · 15/08/2023 17:41

Sorry just realised I'd said 18th, I just meant birthday x

Original poster
craigth162 · 15/08/2023 17:49

VinEtFromage · 15/08/2023 17:40

(((HUG)) 💐

that's a LOT of issues to deal with.

No advice sorry, but have you asked if any of the nursery staff would babysit for a special occasion. Like DS1's 18th?

i know it doesn't help much, but if I knew you I'd babysit. Have you asked people or just assumed they wouldn't?

i don't know what other agencies/charities you could approach.

just wanted to send some love & strength to you & to say, it's not surprising you feel the way you do sometimes. It's beyond bloody hard.

Nursery staff say council rules wont allow them to babysit kids in their care. My mum will occasionally watch him but she is very busy and lives 2hrs away. Others i have asked on childcare.co.uk say no cos of the epilepsy.

OP posts:
Pollyputhekettleon · 15/08/2023 18:04

If he's not quite as bad with the nursery staff can you ask them what they do to manage him? Do you know if his behaviour is because of his health problems and developmental delays or is it just that he's 3 or is it a combination?

This 'I say no and remove him but he crawls after us to keep going while saying kind hands no hitting' sounds to be as if you're trying to implement gentle parenting. Is that what you're trying to do?

Original poster
craigth162 · 15/08/2023 18:10

Pollyputhekettleon · 15/08/2023 18:04

If he's not quite as bad with the nursery staff can you ask them what they do to manage him? Do you know if his behaviour is because of his health problems and developmental delays or is it just that he's 3 or is it a combination?

This 'I say no and remove him but he crawls after us to keep going while saying kind hands no hitting' sounds to be as if you're trying to implement gentle parenting. Is that what you're trying to do?

Nursery do the same as me and move him away. They dont know why hes better there but he is getting worse.

No tbh gentle parenting is not really my aim. I just dont know what to do. I dont really know how much he understands due to delay. He knows hes not to hit and he gets moved out room when he does (just to hall and we are in a flat). I dont know what else to do. He wouldnt understand naughty step/time out etc. Not gonna lie when youve been battered bitten and scratched all day and it hurts its hard to stay calm. He s started saying cuddle for mummy and when you go for cuddle he slaps you. Not all the time. He is very affectionate. Ive tries ignoring the hitting but he just keeps going.

OP posts:
SeeTheWorldAnotherWay · 15/08/2023 18:15

I wish I had some wisdom to offer you, but I don’t. I just wanted to post as moral support. I really feel for you, life sounds really tough.
For what it’s worth, I’d push for as much support as you can. Even if there’s not much for you son, could there perhaps be some for you. Be kind to yourself.

Worriemumma · 15/08/2023 18:20

Have pm'd you x

bookish83 · 15/08/2023 18:22

Are there agencies who provide respite care hours for children?

If you have a look at Carers Link in your area they may be able to advise. People can be eligible (ie you) for a few hours per week support.

Sounds really rough for you though. Could nursery give you the details of any 'sister' nurseries they have? Or could you approach any nurseries who deal with SEND as their staff may offer babysitting services?

Does your local council have a section for SEND activities or support on their sites? Ours does

Pollyputhekettleon · 15/08/2023 18:24

It sounds as if you've never been given any help to manage his behaviour at all, no wonder you're frustrated. Have you tried your GP and asking for a referral to a child psychologist? You need someone to help you work out how his delays are affecting this. I suspect the nursery staff and health visitor don't know what to do either, which is why they're not helping you.

When you say you're trying to stay calm when he hits you, are you trying to say no in a gentle, calm voice? How would he react if you used a much firmer, even slightly angry tone of voice and facial expression? Does he notice your emotions?

Original poster
craigth162 · 15/08/2023 18:26

Pollyputhekettleon · 15/08/2023 18:24

It sounds as if you've never been given any help to manage his behaviour at all, no wonder you're frustrated. Have you tried your GP and asking for a referral to a child psychologist? You need someone to help you work out how his delays are affecting this. I suspect the nursery staff and health visitor don't know what to do either, which is why they're not helping you.

When you say you're trying to stay calm when he hits you, are you trying to say no in a gentle, calm voice? How would he react if you used a much firmer, even slightly angry tone of voice and facial expression? Does he notice your emotions?

I do shout (not proud of this). He covers his ears and then keeps hitting anyway. Nursery use a sad voice and say oh poor whoever hes hitting. He copies the tone and repeats it while still hitting. He sees educational psychologist but no help from her yet. Tbf she hasnt seen him since hes been getting loads worse. We all have a TAC meeting next month so hopefully can do something when everyone together.

OP posts:
Pollyputhekettleon · 15/08/2023 18:45

craigth162 · 15/08/2023 18:26

I do shout (not proud of this). He covers his ears and then keeps hitting anyway. Nursery use a sad voice and say oh poor whoever hes hitting. He copies the tone and repeats it while still hitting. He sees educational psychologist but no help from her yet. Tbf she hasnt seen him since hes been getting loads worse. We all have a TAC meeting next month so hopefully can do something when everyone together.

Show quote history

Don't be ashamed about it, everyone has their limits. You sound like you're doing your very best to keep your self control in a really difficult situation. Lots of children do actually respond to seeing their parent get angry by stopping whatever they're doing, if the anger is an uncommon enough reaction that it doesn't just become background noise to them. Yours is obviously not your average 3 year old though. Equally the nursery sad voice and attempt to teach empathy as if he weren't developmentally delayed seems highly unlikely to work.

Is there any way you could get your meeting brought forward? Tell them how much you're struggling and that you need help urgently.

Original poster
craigth162 · 15/08/2023 18:49

Pollyputhekettleon · 15/08/2023 18:45

Don't be ashamed about it, everyone has their limits. You sound like you're doing your very best to keep your self control in a really difficult situation. Lots of children do actually respond to seeing their parent get angry by stopping whatever they're doing, if the anger is an uncommon enough reaction that it doesn't just become background noise to them. Yours is obviously not your average 3 year old though. Equally the nursery sad voice and attempt to teach empathy as if he weren't developmentally delayed seems highly unlikely to work.

Is there any way you could get your meeting brought forward? Tell them how much you're struggling and that you need help urgently.

Show quote history

Thanks. Ive emailed nursery today asking for help. They were shut for inservice yesterday and today

OP posts:
Normalnormal · 15/08/2023 18:56

There is a SEN board on MN where you may get some some advice. You’re situation sounds shit. I’m sorry x

LBB2020 · 15/08/2023 19:13

Do you have any local support groups you can contact, Facebook groups etc
Is there anything you notice that triggers the outbursts? Tiredness, lack of routine, boredom, over stimulated etc

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