I am so fed up and angry

[ManicMum2023]

Am I being unreasonable?

I am so angry and fed up of everything! All the chores, all the micromanaging, getting annoyed I organised the house and people don't put things back so I spend hours looking for stuff people don't put tin their place.

I am so angry that everybody is not on the same page a same in trying to help each other get through the day!! Put things back where they belong so it takes seconds to find stuff rather than half and hour or hours!

Time is so limited in the day so I just don't get it!

I tidied the entire house and garage and I feel like it's in a state again!!

I am so angry that I spend so much time sorting things out for kids and husband to trash it!

It really drives me nuts and it is making me so angry about life and everything!!!

If I stop doing it then I will have to start from scratch again!

I am refusing to do the laundry and dinner and leave that to husband because I am having to re-do everything daily when I have a lot of 100 things to do and cannot clear that because I am revisiting everything I have done again!

Help! I want to be the happy and calm person I was before!!

With managing everything children, house, car, school, homework, full time work, diy, home organisation, children's extra curricular, paperwork, bills, incoming post & all non food shopping!! I have stopped doing laundry and cooking dinner because husband can do that if he cannot be bothered to fix things around the house. I have also stopped cleaning house and leaving that to husband and food shopping! He also does the gardening as I don't ever touch that.

Am I being unreasonable? I just feel so much pressure and stress all the time because it's on my head!

Clearly you're not being unreasonable. It's called the mental load and is well documented.

Have you spoken to your family about why they behave this way?

We both work full time and live with our three children.

People think I am so organised but I am like a swan frantically paddling underwater and all everybody can see is I am gliding peacefully because I lash out at husband and kids only.

It is not healthy continuing like this. I have already kicked my husband out at Easter for his lack of support and I spent Easter holidays with the kids and I felt much better just getting on with it.

Gosh yes the mental load is just so draining I just want to cry! I feel like my life is out of control and all I do is run around everyone and seeing to their needs and not my own!

I have spoken to husband about it and even kicked him out at Easter because I had enough!

He returned and improved and even though I go schizo he stays silent and does stuff around the house.

He is doing his best not to freak out and I don't blame him if he does because I am on edge all the time and just feel like I snap at different points and I would hate to live with somebody like me and live on edge all the time of a partner or child snapping

My children at young so they don't even know they are doing it.. so I cannot blame them. Three children under 7 is tough with full time work and micro managing everyone and everything

Are you trying to work through the summer holidays and manage their days too?
I’ve had it easier this year as mine are older (2 of them drive but are still students, they have jobs but have been around a lot to take the younger one on days out) but I’ve had a calendar on the go specifically for coordinating their days so they’ve got stuff to do. I’m WFH but Dh just skips out the house every day and organises himself then comes home and asks what everyone else has been up to.
it can drive me to distraction but in fairness to him he’s taken time off to do nice things with them so I can’t be mad about that.
But no matter how hard they try they make mess, eat the contents of the fridge, leave their shoes lying about and just generally drive me a bit mad with it all. Roll on september and normality resumes. And I did always feel like this when I worked in schools too!

Can you get some help ... like a cleaner, or meal box service? Sounds to me like you need a week away just for yourself too, so you can decompress

Yes I am managing their days off in the holiday too whilst working and taking days off to take them out when stuff is planned. Otherwise working at home and managing them.

My mum comes over in the weekdays to help with kids I am around and she asks me questions so sometimes I am micromanaging that too.

Husband has not taken any days off except for a week we had in Spain at the start of summer holidays. Then I lost my rag a couple of weeks ago and last Tuesday and today he has taken the kids to his mum and dads house for the day! They are retired and we have to take them to them! They never come over but help the other son with his 4 sons daily!!!

I was considering getting a cleaner but then thought kids will trash it straight away.

Box meals I leave dinner to husband to do because I have enough on my plate. My mum brings food over too and sometimes makes stuff so that helps.

We have just come back from a holiday with the kids and you know what that is like..same drama but abroad just no cooking and cleaning ahah.

I went abroad on my own with my daughter only got 3 weeks. I have another holiday booked in Sept with my daughter so I just need to look forward to that!! My daughter is a toddler so I cannot leave her just yet.

The mental load is real!!! I just read up on it and it is definitely exhausting

What do you mean when you say they trash the house?
Your kids are young but if they take toys out to play with, then they can tidy them up again afterwards. Do a tidy up session before dinner. Insist they only ever eat at the table and they clear their plates after dinner.
Teach them to put dirty clothes in the laundry bin. They can do a quick tidy up of their bedroom at the end of the day.
My dc at 7 loved to hoover and wipe cupboards and fridge with a cloth.

Well sound off to your hearts content, it’s not easy juggling everything.
we have our holiday at the end of august so we’ve been building up to it but it’s best if you can take it in the middle to break up the monotony a bit.
You have my sympathy!!

You've got my sympathy. Women’s workload is often far too large. Not sure if you have this issue, but I have found that owning too much stuff makes tidiness impossible.

So, how about getting EVERYTHING out. All clothes, all shelves, all kitchen - everything you own. Spreading it all over every floor. And making everyone join in for a few days of work, putting most stuff in a pile for the bin/charity, and saving only the things they really really want, and keeping them safe somewhere.

Then say, anything I find lying around after today, is going in the bin.

I'd like to hear your dhs side of it all....

The thing is the minute you tidy and clean the kitchen it gets used again, that is how it is living in a house

I sympathise as this is exactly how I feel too. I seem to spend hours of my day walking about the house picking up the kids and my husbands stuff and putting things back in their rightful place. The house isn’t spotless by any means so it’s not me being anal about it. I’m talking cushions all over the floor, toys or playing cards left strewn about, leaving rubbish like crisp packets and plates behind them rather than taking them to the kitchen. The bathroom is a huge bug bear. It seems one of the kids wees on the seat daily and I often end up sitting in cold wee and having to scrub the toilet and floor daily. It’s always “it wasn’t me!” From the kids. My husband does a job then leaves his tools out, or doesn’t make the bed after he gets out of it.
I don’t think any of them even see the mess they make let alone the work I put in.
so I feel you!

@TeenagersAngst thanks for the heads up on mental load, I have been reading up on it! I never knew there was such a thing!!

I think I need to make a list of all the chores and delegate between both of us.

You're welcome. If the men had to do half of what we do, they would buckle under the weight.

Remember this is learned behaviour. How was your DH raised? For aeons, society has dictated that women are the housekeepers. But what happens when women work as well? We're only one or two generations into the sexual revolution and we're still working it out. Good luck!