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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want him to leave his job :(

16 replies

sendmeagain · 14/08/2023 22:27

NC for this as I am a regular poster and I didn't think I'd be one doing one of these threads.

I have been with DP several years, both second relationships and kids between us. We live together and have a happy, solid relationship (or so I thought).

Found out a couple of months ago that DP was messaging a woman from work (I know, the cliche), I was looking at something on his phone and messages came through from someone I didn't know. Turns out they have been messaging on and off for several months. I'd say it was an emotional affair, some of the messages had sexual undertone and shared intimate details, he says they never spent any time alone together and it was just messaging, says he didn't realise how inappropriate/unfaithful it had got and although he knew it was secretive and wrong he hadn't seen it as cheating.

They are no longer in any contact via Whatsapp which was what it was previously, or any messaging, I have free access to check his phone whenever he wants and he has been very sorry about it.

I'm not here for the LTB messages, I've accepted I want to try and make the relationship work and work through this. However, I'm really struggling that him and his colleague still work together and see each other daily.

It feels unreasonable to ask him to leave a job he enjoys and has worked in a long time, but equally I do feel if they were to completely cut ties and he didn't see her anymore, it would really help me to move past this.

Just after everyone's thoughts. I have not asked him to leave his job, I thought this would get easier but it isn't, so I'm wondering about having the conversation with him.

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 14/08/2023 22:34

He’s a skeaze,whether he remain there or not. He’ll always be that guy
Your happiness is flimsy at best as it depends on whether or not he can not stray
He won’t leave his established job

billyt · 14/08/2023 22:35

The issue I would have would be that you may have access to his phone(he may have a second, seen it mentioned a lot on here), but you don't have access to his work. You can't monitor what they say to each other directly. and it's going to eat you up if you're not careful.

He's already made it clear he doesn't think he's done anything wrong.

He needs to move job to prove himself, as long as he doesn't find another to contact her.

Thisisnotmyname2022 · 14/08/2023 22:39

If you need him to move jobs to make you feel better, this relationship won’t work. You will never fully get over what he did. He may not like his new job and resent you for it.

Either accept his apology and move on, or don’t. It is not fair down the line to still have this resentment, and you will find it harder to leave then.

I have been there, it’s hard. I hope you choose the right path for you.

Zone2NorthLondon · 14/08/2023 22:39

No he doesn’t need to move jobs. He needs to adjust his behaviour and lies
Hes the same guy irrespective of where he works. Same predilection,different opportunities

Curledupwithabook · 14/08/2023 22:41

Honestly I think if he moved jobs it would solve one problem and create others. If the trust isn't there - and it's understandable that it isn't - then there's all the unknowns with a new job - is he being honest about the hours, has he told his new female colleagues he's in a relationship, what if the job involves travel or overtime, etc etc. And that's before other issues such as whether any new job would have equivalent pay, prospects, convenience - and you might end up resenting each other if it doesn't.

I think you need to look at whether you can get to a point you'd trust him again, and what behaviour you'd need to see from him to do so.

Zone2NorthLondon · 14/08/2023 22:42

If he needs to prove himself or change jobs to mollify you then I’m afraid you’re both doomed
You both need to accept you’re choosing to be together and live with & acknowledge he had an inappropriate relationship with colleague

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 14/08/2023 22:52

Thisisnotmyname2022 · 14/08/2023 22:39

If you need him to move jobs to make you feel better, this relationship won’t work. You will never fully get over what he did. He may not like his new job and resent you for it.

Either accept his apology and move on, or don’t. It is not fair down the line to still have this resentment, and you will find it harder to leave then.

I have been there, it’s hard. I hope you choose the right path for you.

This.

Life as a prison warden doesn't sound like much fun.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 14/08/2023 22:54

Moving jobs would show that he’s trying to avoid temptation. But, then you’d have to accept that you’d only feel you could trust him if he was physically parted from her rather than because you know he’s not the type to cheat, and that’s really not a good sign - you’ll never remove all attractive women from his path. He could also message her in other ways. Either you can trust him or not.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 14/08/2023 22:56

He didn't realise it was inappropriate/unfaithful?! Yes he did, he's not stupid.

The problem with him moving jobs is there's still a risk of him repeating it with someone new there and it's also no guarantee that he still doesn't keep in contact with the first women. Unfortunately, it's going to be a continuous cycle if you watching everything now that the truth has gone.

Festivfrenzy · 14/08/2023 22:59

I think he should absolutely move jobs. He won't automatically walk into another job where there's a women he has chemistry with and you know there's temptation with this one so it needs to be nipped in the bud.
He should agree to it even if reluctantly and if he doesn't well there's your answer.

Zone2NorthLondon · 14/08/2023 23:01

It’s excessively controlling to demand he change jobs. It won’t bring you peace

Iouise · 14/08/2023 23:34

You'd only not trust him again in the next job. Out of the frying pan into the fire as they say. If he's untrustworthy he's untrustworthy wherever he is.

Zone2NorthLondon · 14/08/2023 23:41

Iouise · 14/08/2023 23:34

You'd only not trust him again in the next job. Out of the frying pan into the fire as they say. If he's untrustworthy he's untrustworthy wherever he is.

Agree. He can be an inappropriate liar in any location, familar or new

Pottyberry · 14/08/2023 23:42

I think it would show some commitment to trying to move forward... but not sure it will be enough. If you really want to stay with him would you attend couples counselling so he can understand your feelings and the impact his actions have?
Hope you can move on, with or without him op.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 15/08/2023 00:47

Thisisnotmyname2022 · 14/08/2023 22:39

If you need him to move jobs to make you feel better, this relationship won’t work. You will never fully get over what he did. He may not like his new job and resent you for it.

Either accept his apology and move on, or don’t. It is not fair down the line to still have this resentment, and you will find it harder to leave then.

I have been there, it’s hard. I hope you choose the right path for you.

I think I’m thirding this post.

If I’ve said it once on here I’ve said it a thousand times. Trust is either there or it’s not. If someone has to earn it, they’ll never get there. End it or get over it

Hibiscrubbed · 15/08/2023 08:26

He didn’t realise he was being unfaithful? 🤦🏼‍♀️ he’s still seeing her every day. I doubt it’s over. He’s just not being silly with messages now.

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