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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that I should be able to pursue this relationship without shame?

18 replies

HelpMeRh0nda · 14/08/2023 21:24

Earlier this year I bumped into a guy I had know in my mid to late teens, he was a friend of my then boyfriends older brother. I had always thought he was such a lovely gentle guy but at that time I had no romantic interest in him nor he I. I had got to know him a bit as we often when to see bands all in a big group or we'd go camping together etc.

When I was 18 my then boyfriend dumped me, at the time I was devastated as we had been together for 2 and a half years but really in just a few months I had moved on as you do at that age and I could quickly see that I deserved a lot better than how he had treated me. It transpired that my ex had dumped me because he liked another girl he regarded as cooler and better looking but when that fell through he tried to pick back up with me. I was already seeing someone else. Over the next two years (we were both students at the same uni although he was ahead of me by a year) he kept trying to get back with me until one time I spelled it out for him to stop asking because I would never go back out with him and while I said we could be friends my patience even for that was wearing thin. He then got really angry and shouted that I had become a total bitch and that I used to be so nice and he stormed off. Later that year he dropped out of uni due to his mental health and I haven't seen him since or when I have I have avoided him.

Anyway I graduated in 2019 and recently bumped into this guy I used to know though my ex. We ended up going for a cup of tea together and it was so nice to see him and catch up it also felt like we were more on the same level that it did when I knew him last. I mentioned wanting to see an exhibition in another town and he wanted to see it too so we ended up arranging to go together and we had a great day and we have just kept seeing each other just as friends at first but pretty quickly as something more than friends. We just really click and he's by far the nicest man I've ever been out with plus he's smart and funny and very attractive. He was in a house fire as a child and has some scarring which I think he has always been self conscious of and has perhaps made it difficult for him to open up to women but I already knew about them and had seen them so luckily it didn't affect us getting to know each other.

He recently told his friend (my ex's brother) that we are in a relationship and his friend is cool with it but my ex has really kicked off saying its not right for various reasons that its not cool for us to see each other because it hurts him or because my new guy knew me when I was 16 and he was in his early 20's and that it's just weird for us to be together now. My ex has been in both our socials giving us grief but is now blocked. My new boyfriend apparently told my ex at the time that he was an idiot for dumping me, personally I am glad he did dump me but I understand what he is trying to say but my ex is using that as ammo to say that the new guy had a thing for me when I was 16 - 18 which I really don't think is true, he just thought I was nice and a decent person.

I don't think I am in the wrong to pursue this relationship, both myself and my ex have had other relationships in the many years since we were last together, he has dated other girls that I know and it didn't bother me except to think the girls were getting a raw deal, the ex isn't an awful person but he's not a great boyfriend and still has a ton of growing up to do. However he is making a bit of a scene amongst their friendship group and I just think he is way out of line but I am posting here to see if anyone thinks he does have a point? Am I being unreasonable to think that I should be able to pursue this relationship without having to deal with his shenanigans?

OP posts:
pictoosh · 14/08/2023 21:33

It's absolutely none of your ex's business. That is all. Have a great time with your new man. x

HelpMeRh0nda · 14/08/2023 21:34

@pictoosh Thanks, that's what I think!

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 14/08/2023 21:36

Block and ignore. Enjoy what sounds like a lovely mature relationship.

Lucyccfc68 · 14/08/2023 21:36

Of course he doesn’t have a point.

He clearly needs to grow up and get over himself.

I’d be telling him to piss off.

pictoosh · 14/08/2023 21:37

As for him, let him mouth off. He's only coming over as exactly what he is...a jealous troublemaker. I doubt anyone will have any patience for it.

Jeschara · 14/08/2023 21:41

Enjoy your relationship with this lovely man.

panko · 14/08/2023 21:42

Your ex sounds like a child. Just move on from that friendship group if they all start getting childish about it

Mollymalone123 · 14/08/2023 21:44

It’s really none of his business-what a twit he is.good job you didn’t go back out with him again as he sounds like a 13 year old girl!

OrigamiOwls · 14/08/2023 21:45

Your ex does not get a vote in this.

InsomniacsWife · 14/08/2023 21:48

Your ex sounds like a immature twat.

New relationship sounds great. Ignore your ex, don't even engage him or anyone else in justifying your relationship, it's nobody's business.

HelpMeRh0nda · 14/08/2023 21:48

@pictoosh that is exactly what it is and it isn't like I don't know that even if I (ever lost my mind and) did go back to him he'd soon be thinking that I'm not quite good enough for him and treating me accordingly.

Thanks everyone, I'm hoping that everyone will see his behaviour as the rather pathetic strop it is and tell him to grow up and yes I will enjoy my wonderful new man😍

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 14/08/2023 21:56

Well you sure dodged a bullet when he dumped you!!
Block and ignore, he's a twat.
Your relationships are none of his business. Forget him and go off and enjoy your relationship with this lovely sounding guy x

HelpMeRh0nda · 14/08/2023 23:58

@LakeTiticaca I really did didn't I! I think he feels like if he hadn't dumped me we'd still be together but I think I'd have eventually dumped him when I'd grown up a bit and gotten a clue! I want him to just grow up a bit himself, to move on and for us all to be on decent terms but his behaviour is making it very difficult. I'm sure he'll be very embarrassed by it all in time.

However you and every one is right and I shouldn't let this get in the way of what is the best relationship I have had, its early days of course but I just have a really good feeling about this and it seems like he feels the same way, no looking over my shoulder for someone who might be prettier or thinner like other guys I've been out with he seems thrilled to be with me and that is how I feel about him!

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 15/08/2023 00:05

Our ex has no scope for personal growth does he 🙄 it's been years. he needs to grow up but that's not your problem. His brother must be a bit embarrassed though.

Your new BF sounds great Daffodil

HelpMeRh0nda · 15/08/2023 00:13

Acornsoup · 15/08/2023 00:05

Our ex has no scope for personal growth does he 🙄 it's been years. he needs to grow up but that's not your problem. His brother must be a bit embarrassed though.

Your new BF sounds great Daffodil

Oh no you didn't have to go out with him too did you 😂Only kidding I know you meant "your"! No he's being a big baby and yes it is embarrassing for all of us really but I hope at least when he cops on to himself this will give him a wake up call to sort himself out!

Thanks the new boyfriend is great 🤗

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 15/08/2023 00:16

@HelpMeRh0nda arghhh yes I did Blush

Although I also have embarrassing ex's Grin

HelpMeRh0nda · 15/08/2023 00:24

@Acornsoup lol gave me a chuckle and yes embarrassing ex's don't we all have at least one!

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 15/08/2023 00:30

Enjoy your life with this new fabulous guy. It is absolutely none of your ex's business at all. You both deserve to be happy, you and your lovely fella.

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