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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop feeding DD

11 replies

mayaknew · 14/08/2023 18:18

I am sick of DDs apathy.

She is 18 just left school this year but tbh hardly even attended 6th year.

She doesn't have a job so spends her days in her room which is pigsty. She doesn't help around the house. If I ask her to do something she will say she will do it but never does. I usually ask her to do the dishes but she just doesn't do it.

I've massively cut down on the money I give her.

WIBU if I tell her if there are dirty dishes when I am making dinner, I don't make her any ? I don't know what else I can do to get her to move!

She is starting college end of the month supposedly but after a year of virtually doing nothing I don't know if she will cope

I don't want to nag her and tell her how to live her life but at the same time she needs to start fending for herself a bit 😕

OP posts:

SeulementUneFois · 14/08/2023 18:20

YANBU OP.

You need to have a come to god conversation with her, and an escalating list of consequences.

Original poster

mayaknew · 14/08/2023 18:42

I have spoken to her many times about her pulling her socks up but I always then worry I'm being too hard on her.

OP posts:

StonwEd · 14/08/2023 18:52

My ds is about to turn 18. He pulls his weight plus goes to college and works in maccies part time so I do cook and wash his clothes still so in your situation I’d definitely be drawing up a list of non negotiables, ie chores she has to do, x amount of jobs applied for per week, x number of dinners at least started for when you get in.
What reason are you giving her money? do you pay a phone bill for her? I wouldn’t do these things unless she is in full time education, otherwise you are funding another adult to simply not work. I know she’s your daughter but sounds like tough love is needed here.
Good luck with it all

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 14/08/2023 18:59

No money.
No phone bill paid.
WiFi changed.
Amazon, Netflix etc changed.
No cooking or laundry done

Until....? You choose this part.
She cooks 2 meals a week
She hoovers on Monday, bins Tuesday, sweep kitchen Wednesday, change bedding Thursday, wash pots ever day ??

Original poster

mayaknew · 14/08/2023 19:20

Yeah I pay her phone bill.

I used to just transfer her money whenever she needed it if she was doing something or needed something. But I've stopped doing that now.

She just sits and watching box sets on Netflix all day. She can go days and days without even leaving the house. Not even to walk the dog. If she's left in with the dog she won't even walk her she just takes her out the garden for the toilet.

OP posts:

Supernova23 · 14/08/2023 19:26

Tbh I had a year like that 18. Flunked my A-Levels, got stuck in a rut, depressed as anything, spending most of my time in my room. But I was quite good around the house - cooking, cleaning, and always walked the dog. I’m a full time medical professional with multiple degrees now, so hopefully your daughter will pull herself out of her rut. But absolutely I’d get firm on her. No reason for her not to pull her weight, and I’d say she has a couple of months get a part time job otherwise her phone and Netflix gets cancelled.

StonwEd · 14/08/2023 20:42

It’s about more than feeding her then isn’t it? Do you suspect mh issues?

Original poster

mayaknew · 15/08/2023 09:17

I did wonder if she was depressed or anxious but I don't think so although she is quite avoidant. Her mood seems totally fine though!

OP posts:

StonwEd · 15/08/2023 15:38

Getting tough it is then!! Think about how you want life in your home to look and make it happen!!
Long term, if she doesn’t want to live by your rules, she’s not going to be able to remain at home is she?

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 15/08/2023 20:21

mayaknew · 14/08/2023 19:20

Yeah I pay her phone bill.

I used to just transfer her money whenever she needed it if she was doing something or needed something. But I've stopped doing that now.

Depends how tough you want to be. I think you are getting to the crunch time though.

Don't pay the phone bill.
Cancel Netflix.
Stop WiFi working when you go to bed.

Make living at home very uncomfortable until she starts behaving like a family member. Even 3yr olds can contribute to the running of households (putting toys away). Carrot and stick time. Be consistent, be firm, be fair.

AspiringMermaid · 15/08/2023 20:40

I personally would be tempted to give a two week notice then stop paying for phone, stop cooking for her and canceling netflix, restricting wifi... But even if you explain these decisions in the kindest way it could still backfire. She could become more withdraw/lazy and also resentful. As a teenager I spent far too much time in very bad relationships to avoid having to live in the family home. Maybe take her somewhere you don't normally go like a nice place to walk, and have a heart to heart, tell her things you've never said before about your own experiences and past mental health, and get across that really are worried and that no young person should be living in a filthy room watching TV all day. Ask her how you can help her to live her best life before college and what she wants to do with her time

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