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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want family to visit

24 replies

showntell · 14/08/2023 17:33

I live in a nice/ quite touristy place of the UK.

My cousin recently visited with her little boy and we had a lovely family weekend hosting them and exploring the area.

Now my other cousin has seen the photos and wants to visit, only she wants to have nights out clubbing etc and that's really not my scene.

She's quite intense and she would definitely try to drag me out clubbing if she came and complain that I'm being lame if I don't. She wouldn't be happy to just stay and do her own thing. But I'm in my mid-30's and just not interested anymore.

AIBU to say she can't visit? Should I give some kind of excuse? Or just suck it up because she's family?

I think she'll be sad because she's seen my other cousin visit but that was a nice chilled weekend doing kid stuff so very different to what she would want!

I also get a feeling she just wants to take advantage of where we live rather than actually spend time with me so I'm just unsure how to handle it.

OP posts:

mycoffeecup · 14/08/2023 17:36

Make it clear that you don't have space/time for people to stay - if they're local in a hotel it would be lovely to see them for a coffee.

Original poster

showntell · 14/08/2023 17:38

mycoffeecup · 14/08/2023 17:36

Make it clear that you don't have space/time for people to stay - if they're local in a hotel it would be lovely to see them for a coffee.

She's really close to my other cousin who has visited, so she'll have heard all about it and we let them stay in our spare room. So can't really say we don't have space.

OP posts:

TomatoSandwiches · 14/08/2023 17:39

Just say you are too busy for the forcible future.

CalistoNoSolo · 14/08/2023 17:44

Just say no. You don't want to, she sounds like hard work (and not very nice). Say you're busy doing other stuff for the foreseeable, that you don't want to put anything in the diary because you're trying to organise your own holiday etc. Be firm.

Tinkerbyebye · 14/08/2023 17:46

I would say she can come, but you won’t be visiting nightclubs and there is an 11pm curfew when doors will be locked as you need to work or whatever

UsingChangeofName · 14/08/2023 17:55

Same as @Tinkerbyebye
Just say that she is welcome to come and stay, but you won't be going clubbing.

stayathomer · 14/08/2023 17:57

Agree with above, no excuses or lies just tell her you’d love to see her for a quiet night in and a walk on the beach/whatever easy touristy thing she can do. If she pushes for a night out laugh it off and say you can do a night in

mycoffeecup · 14/08/2023 18:02

showntell · 14/08/2023 17:38

She's really close to my other cousin who has visited, so she'll have heard all about it and we let them stay in our spare room. So can't really say we don't have space.

Show quote history

'It was more stressful than I expected having visitors while we're working, so we're not going to do it anymore'

confusedlots · 14/08/2023 18:07

I would say to her she's welcome to stay and give some suggestions of things you could do together. Make a bit of a joke that you're no longer into the clubbing scene, but she welcome to do that if she has anyone else to go with, just try to be quiet when you get back home please!

Delatron · 14/08/2023 18:10

Just don’t don’t be available for any of the weekends she suggests. Or just say you’re having a break from hosting for now as it’s quite tiring. Just keep being vague.

Blossomtoes · 14/08/2023 18:12

confusedlots · 14/08/2023 18:07

This.

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 14/08/2023 18:21

Just say no. You don't want to, she sounds like hard work (and not very nice)

Where on earth have you deduced that she doesn't sound like a very nice person 🤔?

I would allow her to visit, but make it clear that you won't be going clubbing and if that's the kind of weekend she is after, you're not up for it.

No need to lie, or be mean. You are only surmising all this at the moment.

FlamingMadKatie · 14/08/2023 18:35

Tell her you've now converted the spare room to an office/playroom/therapy room/storage or whatever, so there's no space now.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 14/08/2023 18:42

Just be honest with her, that your interests aligned with other cousin to make plans enjoyable for everyone, but that you don't think it will be the same with her as you enjoy vastly different things. Be upfront that you have no interest in going out drinking or clubbing, and you don't want to be a home base for a drunk party weekend for her.
It doesn't matter how close she is with other cousin, it matters how close YOU are with her. You are not obligated to offer up your home for a stay over to every cousin you have, just because you offered to one.

billy1966 · 14/08/2023 18:58

OP, I think it really depends on if you want to host her or not.

If you don't, you just say you are busy and not free to host.

This is your home and just because someone fancies a weekend where you live, doesn't mean they are entitled to.

It is ok to say No, it doesn't suit.

UsingChangeofName · 14/08/2023 19:17

I don't understand on these threads why people suggest lying.

If the relationship is close enough that they are asking if they can come and stay, then it is close enough for you to be able to just be honest with each other.
"Very happy for you to come but my clubbing days are long gone, so be lovely to see you on the understanding I am now a walk on the beach, going out for a pub lunch sort of person who is always in bed by 11. Totally get if you would prefer to head off to Ibiza with a pal instead".

Olika · 14/08/2023 20:58

UsingChangeofName · 14/08/2023 19:17

I don't understand on these threads why people suggest lying.

This is a good approach

Utereusbegone · 14/08/2023 21:01

Don't lie or make up excuses, just be honest.

Tell her that you have no interest in big nights out, going out clubbing etc so you are concerned that you aren't compatible for a weekend visit and she'd be bored

Utereusbegone · 14/08/2023 21:02

FlamingMadKatie · 14/08/2023 18:35

Tell her you've now converted the spare room to an office/playroom/therapy room/storage or whatever, so there's no space now.

Why? Why be so spineless as to make up stories (which will just be exposed next time a family member stays)

ChocolateCinderToffee · 14/08/2023 21:19

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 14/08/2023 18:21

Just say no. You don't want to, she sounds like hard work (and not very nice)

Where on earth have you deduced that she doesn't sound like a very nice person 🤔?

I would allow her to visit, but make it clear that you won't be going clubbing and if that's the kind of weekend she is after, you're not up for it.

No need to lie, or be mean. You are only surmising all this at the moment.

Calling someone 'lame' for not wanting to go clubbing? It's disablist and rude.

maryberryslayers · 15/08/2023 08:13

Tell her she's welcome but you definitely won't be going clubbing and you don't you or the kids woken, so if she wants to go clubbing then she will have to stay nearby.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 15/08/2023 08:25

I would say "well, it would be lovely to see you, but I'm worried you would be bored? I'm working and tired and DC is 2 so we wouldn't be going out at nights and it would all be very child friendly. Are you sure you're up for that?"

That gives her the chance to back out, or if she comes you might get a chance to get to know her better - people get older and change and sometimes they surprise you.

Penguinmouse · 27/01/2024 09:16

Has she actually said she wants to go out clubbing or have you just assumed that? Let her come and visit and when it comes to making plans, just make clear you don’t want to go out. You’re an adult, if you don’t want to go clubbing you don’t have to?!

Gymmum82 · 27/01/2024 09:25

Just be honest. She’s welcome to
come and stay but you will not be going clubbing. Yeah you’re lame, hahaha you’re old now and over that kind of thing. She can come stay, go out with the kid, go for walks, dinner, coffee etc. If that sounds ok and she won’t be bored then she can come

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