Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants me help trapping her cheating husband

19 replies

Whatintheworldgirl · 14/08/2023 16:42

I'll try and keep this short but it's a bit crazy.

I love my in-laws. They have always been wonderful to me but a couple of months ago I notice my FIL started following some inappropriate people on TT and FB and stuff. I brought it up to my DH but not in a judgy way because in my past I've known a lot of males do this (not sexiest I promise just talking from my experience) anyway, I brought it up, more to say 'is everything okay at home'. I want them to be okay. DH kindve shrugged it off.

Anyway fast forward to last week. I got a phone call from MIL who said she needs to speak with me ASAP. So I went down to hers. FIL was out at the gym. She opened up about finding messages between him and 20 other women. Some on whatsapp, TikTok, accounts from another country who be pays to speak with and watch (if you know what I mean) so glorified porn basically. All incredibly young. Legal but young. Naturally, she was devastated. She told me she asked him about it. And he said 'it's just a bit of fun, I'm never going to actually meet these people' and laughed at her when she expressed how upsetting she found it and how she felt ugly and asked what she was doing wrong to cause him to look elsewhere. He had no answer, just laughed and left the house. When he returned she demanded he deleted all the apps and he was apprehensive but in the end he did so. He then asked her to get a bunch of new make up (which in itself made her feel like she's not pretty enough bless her)

Now today, I was called around again. Last night she found a second phone. All these apps and the women he was speaking to are on that phone. He is still speaking with them. She calmed herself down, went downstairs and said 'you're not lying to me anymore are you?' To which he said no and then followed it up with 'you promise on our families lives, on my life, that you're not lying about anything?' And again he said no. She then handed him the phone and asked what the fuck is all this then.
He left the house swiftly without a reply. He then come back, said he's bored as he's out of work at the moment and again, it's just a bit of fun, he's never going to physically meet these women. She asked if he wants to split up (after 36 years married) and he said no but won't give her a clear answer as to why he's doing this.

Anyway, MIL has now asked me to practically stalk him. To sign up to apps like telegram and TikTok and WhatsApp, all the apps he's said he's deleted and basically screenshot her whenever he goes online. I respect her and I understand but I feel like im in the wrong doing this. I want to support her in anyway I can but I don't know if this is helping or just fuelling a fire.

I've asked her what she wants. If she wants to be with him and her answer is, I have nowhere else to go. Everything is in his name. They have a holiday ti Spain together next week which they booked in lockdown. I honestly don't know what to say to her or how to help. Literally all advice is welcome! Has anyone been in her position? Or my position? What is the best way to handle all this

OP posts:
Proudmum17 · 14/08/2023 16:49

Get your DP to have words with them both. Not your problem but I promise you somehow they'll both make you the scapegoat if you help her. One way or another eventually as this plays out they'll find a way to blame you which is why subconsciously she's not asked her child as she doesn't want to alienate them.

StrawberryWater · 14/08/2023 16:52

Omg just stay out of it.

I guarantee that if you find something you will either get accused of wrecking their marriage or be accused of trying to go after your fil.

Leave the crazies to it, tell mil you don’t want to be involved and speak to your dh and tell him to tell his parents not to involve you.

BCBird · 14/08/2023 16:52

I would not do it. It could cause massive problems bwn you and your DP. Get him to have a word with them.

Sittingonabench · 14/08/2023 17:21

There is no new information to be gained by you doing this. She is hoping it will give her an answer but It will just prolong her agony and she will still need to make a choice. Maybe some solo activities on holiday would help her find herself a bit?

BoohooWoohoo · 14/08/2023 17:27

It's a terrible idea to get involved.

If she's not going to leave him, what's the point in knowing what he's up to online? She keeps on forgiving him and one day you will end up being blamed for the difficulties in their relationship which will be super awkward for you. I'm not saying that his behaviour is ok (it's not) but if she's not going to leave then there's no point in finding proof. I suspect that helping will result in problems between you and your too as he will see your actions as fuelling the fire.

LakeTiticaca · 14/08/2023 17:31

I don't know why she wants you to stalk his online behaviour. She already knows he's talking sexually to young women. She knows he can't be trusted. She needs to decide whether she wants to stay in the relationship or file for divorce

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2023 17:31

You would be an absolute fool to put yourself in the middle of this mess. Tell your mother-in-law very clearly that while you understand how upset she is, you will not be a party in stalking or investigating her husband. No way.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/08/2023 17:38

He is a complete CUNT.

And I don't use that word very often. What an absolute scum of a man.

Doing it was bad, laughing at her and dismissing it is disgusting. What an arrogant entitled horrible horrible man.

You don't need to do anything to trap him.

She already knows he's scum.

In your shoes I would he doing all I could to encourage her to leave him. Help her sort out how to do it.

Yuck. What a horror.

Sparkletastic · 14/08/2023 17:38

Don't get involved with stalking FIL online. Speak to MIL with your DH taking the lead, and tell her that you will both be there for her if she decides on a future without FIL.

ntmdino · 14/08/2023 17:38

Absolutely do not do this.

Regardless of any immediate blowback from MIL or FIL, you'd be actively participating in the breakup of your husband's parents. Even the most understanding of partners would find that hard to swallow, and the worst case is that it could escalate and cause massive problems in your own house.

Just stay out of it, and tell MIL that she should do the stalking herself if that's what she wants. Also, tell your husband what she asked you to do - full transparency is important here, IMO, because he's working under the impression that it's a non-issue, which it clearly isn't.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/08/2023 17:40

If they are married, it doesn't matter whose name anything is in - they're all joint assets.

Original poster
Whatintheworldgirl · 14/08/2023 17:40

arethereanyleftatall · 14/08/2023 17:38

He is a complete CUNT.

And I don't use that word very often. What an absolute scum of a man.

Doing it was bad, laughing at her and dismissing it is disgusting. What an arrogant entitled horrible horrible man.

You don't need to do anything to trap him.

She already knows he's scum.

In your shoes I would he doing all I could to encourage her to leave him. Help her sort out how to do it.

Yuck. What a horror.

Thank you! This really helps me. Plus you're thinking along the same lines as me so you've helped me decide which direction to go. Thank you so much!

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatintheworldgirl · 14/08/2023 17:42

ntmdino · 14/08/2023 17:38

Absolutely do not do this.

Regardless of any immediate blowback from MIL or FIL, you'd be actively participating in the breakup of your husband's parents. Even the most understanding of partners would find that hard to swallow, and the worst case is that it could escalate and cause massive problems in your own house.

Just stay out of it, and tell MIL that she should do the stalking herself if that's what she wants. Also, tell your husband what she asked you to do - full transparency is important here, IMO, because he's working under the impression that it's a non-issue, which it clearly isn't.

Thank you! You're so right. This is a horrible situation

OP posts:
Winniewonka · 14/08/2023 17:44

He looks to have lost interest in the relationship and it's not going to get easier, the older they become. Does she really want to spend the rest of her life maybe having to look after him as he ages and potentially becomes unwell. It sounds doubtful he would do the same for her. Regardless of whether he has met these women, it's still cheating on his partner.
Surely if they're married, all assets must be divided between them.

Original poster
Whatintheworldgirl · 14/08/2023 17:46

Winniewonka · 14/08/2023 17:44

He looks to have lost interest in the relationship and it's not going to get easier, the older they become. Does she really want to spend the rest of her life maybe having to look after him as he ages and potentially becomes unwell. It sounds doubtful he would do the same for her. Regardless of whether he has met these women, it's still cheating on his partner.
Surely if they're married, all assets must be divided between them.

That's a really helpful way to put it and I'll definitely mention this to my MIL. Thank you for your input. Very helpful

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 14/08/2023 17:46

I think so many 60/70/80 year old women stay with horrible men because they're scared to be alone and it's all they know. And I look at my mum. She did it aged 70 and she is so so happy now. It took her about two years to get over it, but goodness it was worth it.

InSpainTheRain · 14/08/2023 18:01

I wouldn't be helping her "trap" him - what further evidence does she need on top of what she has? I think I'd just let DH handle it because they could both reconcile and turn on your as the scapegoat in this.

DH should be asking her what she wants to do - stay or leave. If the former neither of you can help further. If the latter then a good solicitor is needed - especially if nothing is in her name. DH should help with this - it is his mum.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 14/08/2023 19:33

He's doing it because he wants to. It turns him on. It makes him feel young and like a sexy buck instead of an older man with a wife and family. Like all cheats he enjoys it and that's why he does it.

There's nothing she can do to change that. Even if she could somehow become 25 again he's hooked on the apps now and the variety and attention.

It doesn't matter who's names on everything. After decades of marriage she's entitled to half of the lot. Tell her that... and that there's room at yours if she wants to leave in the interim (if there is room).

TheThinkingGoblin · 14/08/2023 20:18

Sounds like they have a sexless marriage and he checked out.

I would normally suggest therapy and marriage counselling, but it sounds like they are pretty dysfunctional and would never go for it.

Distance yourself would be my view of this. They will inavariably end up blaming you when things get even more pear-shaped.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page