To not enforce property rights of young children?

[FlakiestCornflakeInTheCerealBox]

How do you deal with this in your house with your kids? I feel like I need a systematic approach that is consistent and fair without breaking the bank or having to buy two sets of all toys.

DD is 6 and DS is 2. When they both want the same toy my rule is that irrespective of whom the toy "officially belongs to", the person that is playing with it at the moment gets to keep it till they are done and then the other child gets their turn. (It's the same rule when their friends come to our house to play). The only exceptions are toys that are unsafe for ds2, crafty things that dd6 is working on or anything that belongs to DD that ds might break or ruin somehow because he's a wild little toddler. Oh and dd's favourite soft toy is also exempt from this rule and theoretically anything else that means a lot to either child but so far it's just the one soft toy. If they told me categorically that they don't want to share something I'd respect that. The toys up for grabs are things like Duplo, cars, balls, etc. These are mostly toys that are usually in the living room aka their play room that both of them have equal access to.

Yanbu

My reasons for this rule are:

1. DD being the older one has a ton of toys that I want to reuse with ds. A lot of them she has outgrown but obviously when she sees ds play with them she finds them irresistibly interesting again. I don't want to have to buy lots of toys for Ds again when our house is already full of them especially when he's still too young to really notice who gets more presents, etc. (I do try to balance the numbers on Christmas kind of so thqt DD doesn't feel we treat Ds differently but some of the presents he gets are dd's old toys picked by her and given to him by her).

1. Ds, being a toddler, screams blue murder if he doesn't get what he wants immediately and I want neither of them to learn that screaming (and hitting, kicking, etc) gets you what you want.

1. I don't want DD to learn that she always has to give in to others to keep the peace (as dh and grandparents sometimes encourage her to). What kind of message does that send especially to a girl?

The alternative would be to give the "owner" of the toy absolute power over the toy. So if ds is playing with Duplo blocks that were given to DD originally then he has to return them as soon as she asks for them as they belong to her. However, this would then usually go in dd's favour as over the years she has accumulated many more toys obviously.

So what do you do (or have done)?

Yabu: each child should have clear ownership of their toys and not need to share them (or take turns with them) till they officially gift the other child said toy, which then transfers full ownership to the other child.

Yanbu: continue doing what you are doing and stop overthinking things. They will learn about property rights soon enough.

Also apologies for the length and messiness of the post. I just can't express myself concisely.

It sounds like this is being made into a bigger issue than I ever had.

At 6 ( year 2? ) I'd be expecting a bit more rational thought from DD. She take her creations upstairs, or play away from her brother etc. She definitely shouldn't be hovering around him and sweeping toys away from him if he puts them down. To me that's the bit that indicates jealousy which perhaps needs addressing. Can you have a chat with her about how she's feeling and see if she has any solutions to offer? The book how to talk so little kids will listen has some good advice there.

Yup, have read that book and really liked it. I'd also recommend "why it's ok not to share".

Like I said DD is actually really good at sharing and happily lets ds play with all her things. Not even once has she said "but this is mine". It's just that sometimes they genuinely want the same thing at the same time. Well ds always wants what DD has but I think that's normal at his age. And a little bit I think DD maybe enjoys winding Ds up. She's tiny for her age and from what I've seen often gets overrun or over ruled by kids her own age so maybe sometimes she likes to be the one in control.

You are right though. I should have a chat with her but to be honest I am not concerned about her behaviour. It's more that I want to be fair, and I don't want them to resent each other.

OP, it sounds to me as if you are acting in the best interests of both children, and that you have already worked out the fairest solution.

First come first serve. I would not get into who owns what, the house and the garden belong to you, but I’m sure you share all the time 😂.

Your approach sounds sensible to me. Unless you work with the older child to give a way a significant proportion of their toys and replace them with different toys for your younger child, so they have more of their own things.

3 children here 10 and under. My son has a certain very special toy that is not to be touched - this is his absolute best friend toy, because it's so treasured by him. The other two know this and completely respect this. They have always been fine with this, it's his special property.
Toys directly given to each one as gifts either as birthday, christmas etc - this is their toy. It was given to them, so it is theirs, not their siblings. They can choose to share it if they want, but don't have to. Applies to each of them. Again, no issue with this growing up. Toys such as lego, board games, footballs etc, or toys we directly say, this is for everyone so to be shared, gets shared, turns taken etc. They are all pretty good at asking if they can play with someone else's toy, and know they might get told no, might get told yes, but no one tantrums about it, they respect each other's stuff and quickly find out it's more fun to share quite often and if they don't want to share, fine, but the others will be probably less likely to share in the future.

We basically try and do it ala Adult World. As adults can choose to share or not share, then this is also what we expect of them (and each other. They ask to borrow my stuff sometimes, and they know as long as they are respectful of my/their stuff and look after it carefully, it's fine).

I get this with the grandchildren. We have 3 pirate boats, they all want to play with the one that someone else has! Simple rule here, whoever has it plays with it and let the others play with it after you have had a turn, no snatching it off of the other person if they dare to take their hands off it, no arguing about it. I tell them once, warn them twice and on the third time of telling them I take it away. I've only had to do it about 2 times as they know I mean it.

Mine are adults nowZ

I couldn't stand any bickering or arguing so any dispute over a toy me at the toy got taken away and put away and they had to find something else to play with.

They were much more agreeable after that happened a few times.

With the question of being done with it - toys here are fair game as soon as the person picks up a different toy or they’ve been left for a full five minutes and the person isn’t in the toilet/having lunch/doing something I’ve asked them to do.

I’m sure timing m turns is pretty much how my twin girls learned to tell the time as i spent about 2.5 years just constantly saying “right, when it’s quarter past, so when the big hand gets to the three, it’s your turn”

We do the same as you OP and have similar issues, I think this is the best we can do really! I have a DD5 and DS who is almost 2.