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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being really ungrateful??

16 replies

111222333purple · 14/08/2023 10:50

It's my birthday today. DP and I always write a lot in one another cards from ourselves and from DC. We've been together 10 years.

We haven't got on great lately.

Today my card says
'to 111, happy birthday, love DP'

And DC's card (written by DP as dc is 1) says
'to mummy, happy birthday, love DC'

It's so strange and I almost cried when I read them. Usually we write lots of nice things in the cards etc. I feel like I'm being really ungrateful. I haven't said anything about it.
There were presents such as perfume and flowers etc.

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 14/08/2023 11:01

If you are not getting on maybe he doesn't want to be a hypocrite and write something when he isn't feeling warm and fluffy towards you?

It doesn't sound like he stinted on the presents.

I'm the opposite and don't like lots of wording - would rather these things are said to me. Not the point I know.

KarmaStar · 14/08/2023 11:04

Happy Birthday 🎂
It's very difficult to write loving words when things are not going well,it seems false.
But actions say more than words,he has bought you cards and gifts so the love is there.
Hopefully between you the relationship can be got back on track and your Christmas card will be full of loving statements.
Having a baby is also a huge adjustment to your lives.
Enjoy your day 🌻

Fotophrame · 14/08/2023 11:04

It's more meaningful when words are honest and heartfelt. If you're not getting on, what do you expect?

funinthesun19 · 14/08/2023 11:15

Does he normally put more words than that in the DC’s card? Because if so, it’s really shit that he’s using the DC to demonstrate how fed up he is with you at the moment.

He and DC are two separate people. I’m sure your DC isn’t pissed off at you!

funinthesun19 · 14/08/2023 11:16

Does he normally put more words than that in the DC’s card? Because if so, it’s really shit that he’s using the DC to demonstrate how fed up he is with you at the moment.

He and DC are two separate people. I’m sure your DC isn’t pissed off at you!

Mothership4two · 14/08/2023 11:26

DC is only 1

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/08/2023 11:28

I think ungrateful is the wrong word. It’s clearly upsetting, even though you know things have been rocky recently, to see the effects of it right there in literal black and white. Rather than sit on it, I’d take this as an opportunity to properly address what’s gone wrong in your relationship, communicate about it properly, and come to agreement about what each of you needs to do to improve the situation and better support the other. Don’t focus on the cards and presents or you’ll just get into a segue battle which isn’t the root of the problem.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/08/2023 11:28

Op I'm with you, this would really hurt. I might be mad at DP at times but I still love him, I can still express the parts I love in a card, esp from the kids. On MN you're barely allowed to acknowledge your birthday in some quarters, but if the usual is a mushy card then a totally plain one is of course going to upset you.

However I'd focus on the rest of the day, the rest of the year, how are things and how can you both work to making them better etc. Ultimately it's two cards in hopefully a lifetime together

Original poster
111222333purple · 14/08/2023 11:38

Yes last year DCs card was all 'thank you for being the best mummy and making me laugh etc etc.....'

OP posts:
Hungryfrogs23 · 14/08/2023 11:42

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/08/2023 11:28

I think ungrateful is the wrong word. It’s clearly upsetting, even though you know things have been rocky recently, to see the effects of it right there in literal black and white. Rather than sit on it, I’d take this as an opportunity to properly address what’s gone wrong in your relationship, communicate about it properly, and come to agreement about what each of you needs to do to improve the situation and better support the other. Don’t focus on the cards and presents or you’ll just get into a segue battle which isn’t the root of the problem.

This is very good advice.

The card isn't the problem- it has just served to highlight the problem. So take it as a wake up call about the state of the relationship and try to get things back on track.

He was a dick for using the DC card as a vehicle for his frustration though.

calmcoco · 14/08/2023 11:47

Would you prefer he wrote insincerely?

The issue is you're not getting on well. I think you need to address that.

ManateeFair · 14/08/2023 12:00

If you hadn't added the detail that you haven't been getting on so well lately, I'd have been telling you to get a grip, but with that added context I can see why you're a little bit upset. It's not really the message itself, is it - it's more that you see it as another indication that your relationship has changed somehow, and I can understand why it might bother you.

I don't think I would mention the card message directly, as I suspect that will just look as if you're trying to pick an argument with him - and he did obviously go to the effort of buying your presents, getting you a separate card from your DC etc, so I think bringing up the card message could certainly seem ungrateful even though it isn't, if you see what I mean. But I do think a heart to heart about how things are in general, in a non-accusatory, non-critical way, might be helpful.

Ultimately, you have a one-year-old, and that's a challenge in any relationship, so it's normal to have ups and downs, but that doesn't mean you can't have a conversation about it.

(All that said - it can be hard to keep thinking of long and romantic messages to write year after year, so there's a chance he's simply run out of creativity!)

funinthesun19 · 14/08/2023 13:17

Mothership4two · 14/08/2023 11:26

DC is only 1

And? That’s why parents put nice little messages in cards because the child can’t do it themselves at that age. If you don’t do that because you find it cringe and pointless then that’s up to you. Other people like it.

funinthesun19 · 14/08/2023 13:18

111222333purple · 14/08/2023 11:38

Yes last year DCs card was all 'thank you for being the best mummy and making me laugh etc etc.....'

Exactly this type of message.

Mothership4two · 14/08/2023 14:41

funinthesun19 · 14/08/2023 13:17

And? That’s why parents put nice little messages in cards because the child can’t do it themselves at that age. If you don’t do that because you find it cringe and pointless then that’s up to you. Other people like it.

Show quote history

I actually was agreeing with you. I’m sure your DC isn’t pissed off at you! - yes he is only 1

I didn't say I find it cringe and pointless and am well aware that there are things that some people like that others dislike. I made a passing comment that I'm not keen but also said that that wasn't the point of the OP's post. I have no feelings either way that parents write cards out from their children.

redandtan · 14/08/2023 14:59

I think it would be equally insincere for him to have written a more emotive message in your child's card. It's still him having to summon up the feelings irrespective of whether it's about you as a partner or a mother. Don't make too much of that, address the underlying issue

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