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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell DS I know he's in a relationship?

23 replies

eogaf · 14/08/2023 09:49

My DS is 20 and he lives a few hours away for uni but he's back home for the summer. I've suspected he could be gay or at least attracted to men since he was a teen but I've never said anything and have been waiting for him to tell me. He's got a really good friend at uni, I've only met him a few times but he seems to be nice and they get along very well.

Friend is currently visiting us as DS has said he's bored and wants to show him around our area, I've got no issue with this and he's been polite since he's been here. Last night, we all were in the living room and I went to go and get something and DS and his friend was in there. When I came back, I'm sure I saw them kiss but DS or the friend doesn't know that.

I'm now thinking of telling DS what I saw and that I know he's in a relationship, I know it's none of my business but maybe to tell him to be careful as he could be seen by his siblings, if he doesn't want them to know.

WIBU to say something or should I leave it?

OP posts:
Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 14/08/2023 09:52

Once had a chat with ds 16 about starting college and meeting new friends. And maybe he would meet a nice girl or boy - that I wasn't bothered which as long as he was happy. The relief washed over his face quite literally.. Apparently there was just me hadn't realised he was gay.. Never occurred to me to think about his personal life at all! He was just ds..

KinooOrKinog · 14/08/2023 09:53

Would you be thinking of saying something if it was a woman he was with. I would leave it. Unless he's being inappropriate.

ToughFuss · 14/08/2023 09:53

He’s clearly not ready to talk about it yet so yes, ywbu to bring it up imo. Also telling him to be careful around his siblings, whilst I understand your sentiment, won’t go across well, ‘make sure you keep it hidden so no one knows’ is the general takeaway from that.

WetBandits · 14/08/2023 09:53

maybe to tell him to be careful as he could be seen by his siblings, if he doesn't want them to know.

I wouldn’t say this. Maybe just something light and casual like “X seems lovely, are you two just friends or dating?”

ttcat37 · 14/08/2023 10:20

I don’t think you need to be so up front about it. He hasn’t come out to you yet because he’s not ready. You could say something like “I think John is absolutely lovely. He’s a really nice boy and I hope we’ll get to meet him again. Thank you for introducing us to him”. You’d kind of acknowledge that you know and are happy and supportive but without forcing him to come out.

Mothership4two · 14/08/2023 10:34

I would wait for him to tell you. Might be why he has brought him home.

Olika · 14/08/2023 10:49

ttcat37 · 14/08/2023 10:20

I don’t think you need to be so up front about it. He hasn’t come out to you yet because he’s not ready. You could say something like “I think John is absolutely lovely. He’s a really nice boy and I hope we’ll get to meet him again. Thank you for introducing us to him”. You’d kind of acknowledge that you know and are happy and supportive but without forcing him to come out.

I like this approach 🙂

ManateeFair · 14/08/2023 11:39

I don't think I'd tell him you know he's in a relationship - apart from anything, it might not be 'a relationship' as such yet. Regardless of whether DS's friend was a boy or a girl, they might be friends-with-benefits, or friends who have the occasional snog and aren't sure whether to turn their friendship into something serious. So announcing that you know he's 'in a relationship' might be mortifying for him.

I'm sure your DS will come out when he's good and ready, but in the meantime I'd just say something like 'Friend seems really lovely - feel free to invite him over any time' and leave it at that.

mast0650 · 14/08/2023 11:45

WetBandits · 14/08/2023 09:53

maybe to tell him to be careful as he could be seen by his siblings, if he doesn't want them to know.

I wouldn’t say this. Maybe just something light and casual like “X seems lovely, are you two just friends or dating?”

Yes, I'd just ask something simple and direct like this, whether the friend was male or female. But I'd drop it completely if he seemed at all uncomfortable discussing it. I certainly wouldn't "tell him to be careful" as this suggests there is something to hide.

Anotherparkingthread · 14/08/2023 12:00

God all of these replies are awful! Absolutely don't say anything. He hasn't told you and confronting him and making it a thing will not be what he wants at all.

Why do you need him to know, that you know?

pharamondtravel · 14/08/2023 22:26

If he hasn't told you, he probably doesn't want you to know. And it might not even be a proper relationship anyway.

WandaWonder · 14/08/2023 22:29

Why the need? I would assume you will be told if he wants too

XenoBitch · 14/08/2023 22:30

Leave it. For whatever reason, he is not ready to tell you. Forcing the issue could cause embarrassment and resentment.
I am not ready to tell my mum about my relationship, and I am in my 40s!

panko · 14/08/2023 22:33

ttcat37 · 14/08/2023 10:20

I don’t think you need to be so up front about it. He hasn’t come out to you yet because he’s not ready. You could say something like “I think John is absolutely lovely. He’s a really nice boy and I hope we’ll get to meet him again. Thank you for introducing us to him”. You’d kind of acknowledge that you know and are happy and supportive but without forcing him to come out.

Perfect

Swansridinghorses · 14/08/2023 22:33

I’d leave it but as others have said you can say you like the friend. His siblings may well already know anyway.

RiceRiceBaby16 · 14/08/2023 22:34

I am more inclined to say leave it until he's ready to tell you, if there is something to tell. But on the other hand, I know I've been in situations where I might have been scared to start the conversation first with my parents about something, kept putting it off. And when they eventually asked, it was a relief to finally talk about it and not have to worry about plucking up the courage to tell them. Different situations of course. But maybe there are subtle ways you could start a conversation and see if he continues it. Nothing too forward so that he doesn't shut down, as others said.

DaisyThistle · 14/08/2023 22:52

I like a PP's suggestion of, "He's nice. Are you together or just mates?"

Dropthedonkey · 14/08/2023 23:00

PLEASE do not say to him "I saw you kissing and you need to be careful not to do it around your siblings" - what message are you giving him??
I do wonder about the waiting till he tells you part (in general), coming out is obviously a worrying thing for many gay people and lesbians, you don't know how your loved ones will react - so wouldn't it take the pressure off if your mum had just said she knew and it was all absolutely fine?

autienotnaughti · 14/08/2023 23:42

I wouldn't mention the kissing. If you can tactfully find a way to mention you have no issue with gay people. Or I would say houw lovely he is

Xrays · 14/08/2023 23:45

I have a dd who is the same age and is bisexual. I think you shouldn’t say anything at all. When they want you to know they will tell you. Just be very open about being non judgemental and accepting of all things gay etc and then hopefully he will feel he can tell you. Dd told me in the car on the way back from a shopping trip! I’ve always made a joke of saying if / when she gets married to a boy / girl and tried to say that I’d never assume - I think I must have always had a feeling about it - so she knew it wouldn’t be a big deal. She’s very secretive about that side of her life though; we’ve never known if she has had a relationship etc. We respect that she doesn’t want to share that with us yet.

DyslexicPoster · 14/08/2023 23:49

My son is bi. Just say his friend is lovely at that he would make some guy or girl very happy. Ds has always been very open since he discovered he was bi because I have said "when you find a nice girl or boy" from from a young age. So knows I wouldn't be shocked. He also never corrected me. Be very light about it before asking him outright. It's nice to know, but also it's his privacy. But also would be sad if he is worried about telling you

Lightningspeed · 14/08/2023 23:55

Just tell him you know, it will probably be a relief. I accidentally saw messages ds1 had sent and received, I had a chat with him because I was worried about who the other person was. Turned out to be a boy in his year and I sighed a big sigh of relief. That was that, no drama.

Nat6999 · 15/08/2023 00:18

Ds actually told me when he had met the boy who is his partner, I already knew he was gay, they are getting married on Friday. I would just wait & see if he tells you. It could be that he isn't sure what he is & you forcing him to label himself won't help.

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