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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I feel like a failure for smoking…

18 replies

KrindleBrindle · 14/08/2023 09:19

I will caveat this by saying that I am suffering from a bout of anxiety at the moment and awaiting a doctors appointment.

Backstory is that I quit smoking a decade ago before falling pregnant with my first child. I attended a party in the local community a couple of months ago and had a cigarette. My kids weren’t there at the time and they do know I smoked many years ago. Only a couple of people were there when I had the cigarette but one of them is a neighbour. Whenever we are socialising with the neighbours, she keeps bringing up me smoking that night. I really don’t want my kids to know about this and I’m worried they’ll overhear her talking about it.

On top of that, I’m really just hating myself for doing it. I feel like I’ve failed and let myself and my kids down.

I know this is partially my anxiety talking but just needed to vent somewhere because I feel awful about it.

OP posts:

Original poster

KrindleBrindle · 14/08/2023 09:33

Anyone?

OP posts:

toodledo · 14/08/2023 09:38

Having a cigarette doesn't make you a failure and you haven't let your family down - that's a disproportionate reaction to one small thing that just affected you at that specific moment in time. The fact that your conscious of not wanting to smoke again shows your determination in stopping. You're so much healthier now than if you'd never stoped (with one slip up) - think of that! How well you've done to stay away all this time. Others certainly can't say the same. Also tell your neighbour not to be such a gossip.

ODPintheNHS · 14/08/2023 09:38

You had one, in like 12 years.

You haven’t done it again.

Ignore your neighbour, it almost sounds like she’s feeding your anxiety on purpose.

Plenty of people do much MUCH worse.

Sweat the big stuff. This isn’t even worth getting upset about. Ignore her!

onefinemess · 14/08/2023 09:43

It's a cigarette, not heroin. Relax.

Nothing wrong with smoking.

Serenglas · 14/08/2023 09:47

It was one cigarette and you haven’t done it since, give yourself a break and ignore the neighbour.

takealettermsjones · 14/08/2023 09:47

I think this is definitely your anxiety talking, but also, your neighbour is being really weird. What's she trying to achieve by bringing it up constantly? I'd ask her that tbh.

Your kids will not love you any less if they find out you had a cigarette at a party! You have not let them down. Don't have any more (aside from anything else, they cost a fortune these days!) and don't go to any more parties with your weird neighbour 😆

Mrsjayy · 14/08/2023 09:51

You had a sneaky cigarette , I've stopped 8 years and have a very occasional cigarette. honestly let it go its not the big deal that your brain thinks it is !

MrsImFedUpOfTheWeather · 14/08/2023 09:59

You are definitely being too hard on yourself. Don't give it another thought - you've done absolutely nothing wrong at all. And IF the kids find out - so what? You just tell them all about how addictive smoking is and why it's not a good thing to do. Tell your neighbour to drop it because you'd rather the kids didn't know.

Mrsjayy · 14/08/2023 10:15

I meant to add, your neighbour probably thinks they are hilarious don't feed it just ask them to let it go OR ignore it.

Original poster

KrindleBrindle · 14/08/2023 11:54

I honestly have no idea why she keeps going on about it. It’s driving me crazy. I made a mistake one night and she’s forcing me to keep thinking about it.

Do you think I should ask her to stop?

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 14/08/2023 11:56

Yea just say I have no idea why you are going on about it it was so long ago.

Tlolljs · 14/08/2023 11:59

Tell her to stop banging on about one cigarette.
Don’t start again.

Original poster

KrindleBrindle · 14/08/2023 12:12

@Tlolljs i absolutely will not start again. I’d had a few too many drinks that night and it was a big error of judgement. I am so pleased I quit all those years ago and if anything, that night has made me even more certain I will never become a smoker again.

OP posts:

Fraaahnces · 14/08/2023 12:13

Tell her that she can mind her own beeswax.

Alicethecamelhasa · 14/08/2023 12:21

If it makes you feel any better, I gave up 16 years ago and still fairly regularly have errors of judgement when drinking. I don’t beat myself up about it though, we are all human.

AffIt · 14/08/2023 12:24

A friend's ex-wife was a bit like this - any excuse to see you fail, whether it was being a bit late, mispronouncing a word, getting the wrong bus or train! She was a very odd individual (and also please note the use of the term 'ex wife').

To this day, I'm still not sure if it was some fundamental insecurity on her part, a clumsy attempt to 'tease' or if she was some kind of sociopath who took genuine enjoyment in embarrassing people.

Re: your neighbour, I think the best way to deal is to initially just laugh and say something along the lines of why you can't understand why she's still banging on about something that happened months ago. If it continues, you might want to limit your interactions a bit.

Oh, and as PPs have said, it's a cigarette, not crystal meth.

Original poster

KrindleBrindle · 15/08/2023 08:41

Yeah, I’m geared up to say something to her next time. It’s really none of her business what I do. It seems like going on at me is making herself feel better about her own smoking. Not that I think there’s anything wrong with her choosing to. Next time I’ll make sure to just ask her to stop.

OP posts:

Wordsmithery · 15/08/2023 08:53

A huge well done for giving up - and sticking to it. Because you have. You deserve the odd tiny moment of unallowed pleasure so don't beat yourself up. If she mentions it again, why don't you say: "Yes, I had a cigarette and it was lovely. It's great to be so strong that I can limit it to the odd one and not let it become a habit.'
PS Your neighbour sounds like a trouble-making c*w 😄

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