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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell MIL that she can't look after DD due to ill health?

24 replies

DesTeeny · 13/08/2023 22:06

I could go into a long back story about MIL behaviour, but the short version is that she has always been incredibly unpleasant towards me and has always viewed me as difficult due to differing viewpoints, and our relationship is strained at best because of this.

I have told MIL that due to multiple physical health issues meaning that she is sometimes unsteady on her feet, sometimes very lethargic and falls asleep and struggles to bend so can't pick up DD (2), that she cannot look after DD anymore on her own (FIL is sadly deceased). Alongside this she has also stopped managing her home, so it is really cluttered, and when we last went there was a pair of scissors on the floor that she hadn't noticed, and a packet of tablets on a table DD could reach. She hasn't put up a stairgate despite my asking, and despite her physical health meaning that if DD got up the stairs she wouldn't be able to safely get her back down again, as DD struggles with stairs still.

She is blaming our past difficult relationship and saying that I am being stuck up and 'ableist', I feel like I am, quite fairly, safeguarding my DD against danger.

Genuinely looking for advice here.
YABU - Let MIL carry on looking after her
YANBU - You are right to stop MIL from looking after her

OP posts:
TVstolemyevenings · 13/08/2023 22:07

You know YANBU but where is your DP in all this?

Overthebow · 13/08/2023 22:09

YANBU. Packets of pills on reach of dd would be enough to say no, let alone the rest.

Original poster
DesTeeny · 13/08/2023 22:11

TVstolemyevenings · 13/08/2023 22:07

You know YANBU but where is your DP in all this?

He has a difficult time disagreeing with his Mum because she has been very domineering for his entire life so now he's trying to 'break free' from her grasp but is struggling with it.

He agrees with me to an extent but has also said that he's seen MIL and DD together more than I do and she's 'been OK with her'.

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 13/08/2023 22:16

I'd say that you're right to safeguard. If you wanted to give her something then I'd be inclined to visit more or meet out and about or have her round to yours so that she can spend time with dd without being solely responsible for her care and you can have more control over the environment. It would also give you a chance to observe how it goes and see what's actually manageable for her and either agree with your dh or disagree with specifics to illustrate your point and bring him on side. But if she's been difficult and unpleasant in the past and you don't want to do that then that's perfectly understandable too. She's not entitled to access to your child if she can't be respectful of you as parent.

Olika · 13/08/2023 22:24

I would not leave my toddler with her. Tell her the examples you have told us.

DPotter · 13/08/2023 22:26

To save hurt feelings could you pitch this in a different way? For example nursery would prefer her there for 3 days, the childminder has a space unexpectedly, we don't want to tie you down to set days. The outcome is the same but the message is softer

Sugargliderwombat · 13/08/2023 22:27

I think maybe you could have said it less bluntly to avoid her going on the defence.

LookItsMeAgain · 13/08/2023 22:32

I think there's a key part of this statement from your DH that you're overlooking
"He agrees with me to an extent but has also said that he's seen MIL and DD together more than I do and she's 'been OK with her'."

He's been there too.

She's not alone with your 2 year old.

I would apologise for the blunt delivery of your message but not for the actual message when you're speaking with your MiL again.

Original poster
DesTeeny · 13/08/2023 22:47

DPotter · 13/08/2023 22:26

To save hurt feelings could you pitch this in a different way? For example nursery would prefer her there for 3 days, the childminder has a space unexpectedly, we don't want to tie you down to set days. The outcome is the same but the message is softer

She only looks after her ad hoc, she offers to look after her every now and again so DH and I can have some time to ourselves.

OP posts:
Original poster
DesTeeny · 13/08/2023 22:49

LookItsMeAgain · 13/08/2023 22:32

I think there's a key part of this statement from your DH that you're overlooking
"He agrees with me to an extent but has also said that he's seen MIL and DD together more than I do and she's 'been OK with her'."

He's been there too.

She's not alone with your 2 year old.

I would apologise for the blunt delivery of your message but not for the actual message when you're speaking with your MiL again.

Yes I think you and PP are right that maybe I shouldn't have been so blunt, but she's an incredibly rude woman (or so I think) and is always 'blunt' herself, so I responded in kind which was maybe not the right thing to do.

OP posts:
PollyPut · 13/08/2023 22:54

If MIL is lethargic and possibly going to fall asleep whilst in charge, then you need another adult to be there too. That's clear and it would be foolish of you to allow otherwise.

I wouldn't be so blunt about it though - more dress it up as "can you see DP and DD at the same time?" Your DP will need to step up here to facilitate the relationship

CynicalCake · 13/08/2023 22:58

Could she babysit in your house?

I get the wanting to have time with dp, but setting that side, you could invite her round to watch DD while you are out and DP is doing something in the house / garden. Which makes her feel useful.

Original poster
DesTeeny · 13/08/2023 23:02

CynicalCake · 13/08/2023 22:58

Could she babysit in your house?

I get the wanting to have time with dp, but setting that side, you could invite her round to watch DD while you are out and DP is doing something in the house / garden. Which makes her feel useful.

I won't have her in our house due to her behaviour toward me. I won't tolerate it in my own home. I just about tolerate it in hers.

I suppose it could work if I went out and then DH supervised her in our home so he could get on with some housework or something whilst I'm not there.

OP posts:
coreas · 13/08/2023 23:04

She only looks after her ad hoc, she offers to look after her every now and again so DH and I can have some time to ourselves.

You don't need to say anything then, other than a no thank you if she offers. There is no need to raise the issues and create an atmosphere between you all for nothing. Juts don't have her babysitting.

Original poster
DesTeeny · 13/08/2023 23:11

coreas · 13/08/2023 23:04

She only looks after her ad hoc, she offers to look after her every now and again so DH and I can have some time to ourselves.

You don't need to say anything then, other than a no thank you if she offers. There is no need to raise the issues and create an atmosphere between you all for nothing. Juts don't have her babysitting.

I tried this but, as I mentioned in a previous post, she is very domineering and when I said no she then started badgering DH with phone calls and texts asking him why I'd said no, insinuating that it was because there was something wrong in our marriage because we didn't want time together alone, saying that I'd turned her down because I 'don't like her' etc. so I told her the truth.

Now I've said it, she is saying I'm ableist and using her past behaviour against her because I'm "stuck up".

OP posts:
FrenchBoule · 13/08/2023 23:20

To hell what she says and your DP to some extent.

Your child’s safety comes before her whims.

Sometimes you have to be blunt and say straight what you think. This is one of this situations. It doesn’t matter that MIL or your DP gets upset.

Possible scenario- MIL falls asleep, DD eats some pills and crashes out. You call an ambulance and nobody knows what happened. Time is not on your side.

DD puts the cooker on.

DD goes out and gets hit by the car/gets lost.Small kids can run very fast and have zero danger awareness. No chance in hell MIL would be able to follow her.

No,just no.Yes, you’re stuck up and you’re ableist,whatever.She still can’t have DD on her own.No.

This is the hill to die on.

Magneta · 13/08/2023 23:27

Don't fuel the fire. This would have been better handled by sticking to more neutral reasons but now you're at this point I would try to just leave it for a few days.

It's ridiculous having this argument with your husband stuck in the middle. Ultimately she can't have DD unsupervised unless you physically hand her over so she can't win this one, and she can only carry on fighting about it if you give her the oxygen.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 13/08/2023 23:40

I agree with a PP, this is definitely a hill to die on OP. Your MIL has made it clear in the past that she doesn't like or respect you, to the degree that you won't have her in your own home, so there is no way that in your shoes I would be allowing your LO to be left alone with her. Apart from the dangers that you've mentioned, which are clearly an accident waiting to happen, how long will it be before she starts badmouthing you to your DD while she is alone with her. She's made her bed, with her previous insults, and clearly is no longer fit enough to take care of your LO, so she's just going to have to accept that future visits from her DGC will be accompanied by her DS or not at all.

LookItsMeAgain · 14/08/2023 09:14

DesTeeny · 13/08/2023 23:11

I tried this but, as I mentioned in a previous post, she is very domineering and when I said no she then started badgering DH with phone calls and texts asking him why I'd said no, insinuating that it was because there was something wrong in our marriage because we didn't want time together alone, saying that I'd turned her down because I 'don't like her' etc. so I told her the truth.

Now I've said it, she is saying I'm ableist and using her past behaviour against her because I'm "stuck up".

Show quote history

Your DH needs to say to his mother that if she asks you anything and it involves either your DD or your DH or your family in total, whatever the answer is, you're answering for the whole family, not just for yourself. That works both if the answer is "Yes please" or "No thank you".

She isn't to go running to her son just to try to hear a different answer. The answer will be the answer and if she badgers anyone looking for reasons or explanations, she is just will have to teach herself (no one else can do it for her) to accept that the answer isn't likely to change and badgering is more likely to bring down the shutters on any sort of negotiation or compromise.

But that conversation has to come from your DH. If she hears you say it, unfortunately it will go in one ear and out the other. Your DH will have to sound like a broken record for a short while, until she adjusts to the new set up. You have to stand firm (both you and your DH) on this. Any sign of weakness and she will be in there like a shot!

Baconisdelicious · 14/08/2023 09:25

You're not wrong but I can't help but wonder why you can't help with things like putting up a stair gate?

asterdaisy · 14/08/2023 09:36

Could she be alone with toddler at playgroups instead? Then her physical issues don't matter.

caringcarer · 14/08/2023 09:44

DPotter · 13/08/2023 22:26

To save hurt feelings could you pitch this in a different way? For example nursery would prefer her there for 3 days, the childminder has a space unexpectedly, we don't want to tie you down to set days. The outcome is the same but the message is softer

This would be what I'd have said and to break news gently. But I'd also ask DH to take DC to see the Granny.

Original poster
DesTeeny · 14/08/2023 09:46

Baconisdelicious · 14/08/2023 09:25

You're not wrong but I can't help but wonder why you can't help with things like putting up a stair gate?

DH has offered to help with a stairgate and she said she didn't need one even though we explained why we felt it was necessary.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 14/08/2023 10:09

The thing is, you don't 'feel' that a stair gate is necessary. It just is necessary. There is no getting around that. I've got holes in my walls from the fittings of stairgates when my kids were little. The stairgates went up because they were absolutely necessary.

I think some of the issues that are now issues are down to how you and your DH deliver the message to his mother.

I would say "I'm sorry you don't think that having stairgates is a necessary requirement for looking after Abigail but it is. So, if you want to look after her, we'll be around on Wednesday evening after dinner to fit the stairgate. We completely understand that you're entitled to say you don't want one fitted, but that means you don't get to look after Abigail. It's your choice."

Then it really does become her choice. She can have the gate fitted or not but SHE is the one deciding and deciding on the outcome of her decision.

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