Simply:
DF died Sept 22 after years of dementia and refusing all help. Me, only child, with all that entails during and after. Still ongoing because issues with his burial wishes so I have his ashes.
Eldest Son (42) ongoing drug/self harm/serious suicide attempts (including admission to intensive care earlier this year) and constant demands for services to move him to different flats with 24 hour support etc for himself which then breaks down and he blames everyone else, multiple admissions and discharges to MH units, sometimes violent and aggressive to staff and other patients. I could go on but won't. Violence and aggression only surfaced this year. Adolescent extreme drug use led to psychotic breakdown at age 17 and has spent the years since just doing his own thing.
I worked in NHS for many years (Mental Health) but I decided to retire because, well, see above and just exhausted.
Daughter (30) autistic and has active job in Police. Many times been contacted re: above Son whilst on or off duty. Traumatic for her.
Sold my house so I could move to my forever home but it's delayed so temp staying with friend but sooo stressful as it's hard for me to socialise and he's always around so I spend most time in my room.
There are other things but the result is that I feel like I want to cry but can't. I'm on anti depressants but I'm constantly worried I'm dying because my body hurts, I'm exhausted and I don't know what to do because I'm afraid.
I'm reviewing my Will this week because of the house sale and just in case I'm not imagining my symptoms.
I should just accept that this is quite alot to be dealing with and that other people would be feeling like this (wouldn't they?). I don't like talking about it with the few friends I have becasue I feel shame . I have currently broken contact with Son because I can't take his constant calls saying he's discharged himself and suicidal/is now a transwoman and I have to call him by his female name/staff are bullying him/the family are shit/he doesn't have a dad (he does but his Dad has had a breakdown as a result of everything).
I don't know what to do with myself. I used to get out and walk in the fresh air but I'm beginning to feel afraid to go anywhere.