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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want help with baby!?

20 replies

Jumpingjenny · 13/08/2023 10:42

I don't know if I'm being totally mad but I'm starting to resent my "very helpful" parents. Our house purchase and baby being born coincided with each other and so we have had builders working on our house from just a week before our son was born. DH only got two weeks paternity leave during which time he tried to supervise builders etc as much as possible but fast forward 17 weeks it's been me doing a lot of the to-ing and fro-ing with builders. What that's meant for our baby though is that I often have had to leave him with my parents. Sometimes 4 or 5 hours at a time a few times a week. I really hate it. I find it agonising. All I want is to spend my days cuddling and playing with him. I'm scared my baby will miss me or I'm missing out on valuable bonding time. I almost feel it's neglectful. It makes me so upset to think about our circumstances and that it's how life has been for our baby so far. Lately he only breastfeeds right after he wakes up when he's in a really sleepy state, otherwise he wants a bottle 75% of the time and I feel like it's my fault. I tried so hard with establishing breastfeeding and now I feel like all my going out to the builders has created some distance.

Just now as my son was fussing, my dad scooped him up, placated him and he very happily went to sleep. I didn't ask my dad to calm the baby down, he just took him off me. Am I being mad not wanting my dad to do that? Should I be happy my baby is happy to be put to sleep so happily by my dad and that the baby just doesn't care he was taken from his mum's arms?

I appreciate that I am fortunate to have family that can help but I feel like now I'm slightly more free from the builder stress (they're finishing up their work this week) my parents feel they are almost entitled to look after my son... AIBU?

I feel awful I've not been 100% present with him :(

OP posts:

EmmaOvary · 13/08/2023 10:47

This all sounds a bit mad to me, OP. Was it necessary to be on site for a large portion of the day supervising builders? I’ve done this as I WFH and honestly if they want to run stuff past you, then can just call you. Most of the day I was just in the background. Were the works too disruptive to have the baby there too?

Original poster

Jumpingjenny · 13/08/2023 10:50

EmmaOvary · 13/08/2023 10:47

It was more things like we didn't have the right materials eg. They needed us to tell them what tiles to use and so I had to go and actually choose tiles and floors or literally needed us to choose the bathroom and kitchen.. and so I was doing stuff like designing the kitchen so they could get on with it. I feel awful about it. And if I didn't do it we would be living at my mum and dad's house full time.

OP posts:

PragmaticWench · 13/08/2023 10:50

You can't change the last few months but you can tell your parents exactly what you've described here. How you greatly appreciate their help but emotionally need to be your baby's primary carer.

quietnightmare · 13/08/2023 10:51

Can you swop and get you parents or parent to supervise and you go to their house with the baby?

Ask yourself how much supervision is required. To be honest you being there is probably really annoying for the builders

Sounds like your making a mountain out of a molehill here

If I was you id go to your parents with your parents at their own house or go out for the day, see friends , go to groups etc and let the builders crack on

LetMeEnfoldYou · 13/08/2023 10:52

You sound pretty stressed and I think logically you know that being away from your son a couple of times a week, in the care of people who love him, is really not a terribly bad thing.

I'm sure you feel guilty - although you shouldn't - but I can see it causing hurt if you throw your parents' help back in their faces.

EthicalNonMahogany · 13/08/2023 10:57

I think you've got a big dose of mum guilt and it's making you anxious and affecting your bond a bit. I completely sympathise. When you've had to be "pulled away" for a bit it's hard to reestablish the rhythm. On the other hand, bring completely stuck together with baby brings it's own anxieties and challenges. So mostly - don't worry - you've done the best for baby, you've found loving carers when you can't be there and you are working to make a home for you all which is another way of caring for him too.

I'd take a deep breath and tell yourself not to worry.
Your baby wants you - you are his mum - you still do the vast majority of feeds, change, time with him, nights, I bet you do. even if they had him 5 hours a day, it would still be 19 hours of you!! More than enough to build your attachment to each other and make him feel safe.

I would do 2 things. First, do some back to basics "newborn nesting"! Take a whole day where you cosleep for naps, or snuggle on the sofa, or play with him - ask your husband to help you at a weekend day and just bring you food and do all the laundry. You are on DS - you do nothing else. Try and bf as much as possible in the day and night, but don't stress about it. Loads of skin to skin and head sniffing. Have a bath together. Your oxytocin will rise and you will feel calmer and baby will like it too.

The second thing is that I'd say to your parents you need to do some extra bonding and would they mind giving you some extra time with him- could they help with something else? Do the shopping or washing instead of baby care?

You will be fine, but building in rebonding stuff will stop you being at risk of PND.

CecilyP · 13/08/2023 10:57

It’s just really unfortunate timing! You were lucky your parents could step up and help. But this has meant they have a great bond with him and will help even with you there.However if they have him for 5 hour stretches, you still have him the other 19 hours. Hats off to you for trying to breastfeed while all this is going on. You certainly have nothing to feel guilty about.

Fiddlerdragon · 13/08/2023 11:06

As gently as possible, Yabu and I wish I had your problems. You’ve got a new house, a new baby, and the massive luxury of having parents on tap who are happy to have your baby for multiple hours, multiple times a week. At most I’d consider the builders a big problem if they are so incompetent that they cannot do the job without your almost constant presence. Though tbh I don’t see why you have to leave your baby behind whilst you’re there or out shopping for materials or whatever, especially if it’s upsetting you. I have no family to help so all of mine would have had to come with me. You’re choosing to leave your baby for your own convenience. And your dad was just trying to help. It’s not ok to offload your baby on them so many times and for so long, and then to be pissed off with your dad and think he’s out of order for trying to help settle him while you’re actually there.

Original poster

Jumpingjenny · 13/08/2023 11:19

Fiddlerdragon · 13/08/2023 11:06

I completely appreciate what you're saying and I am grateful for their help.

The biggest reason really was that I felt the house is too dusty and full of fumes for such a young baby - we had things like walls knocked down and a driveway put in and I feel the air is thick with dust.

Similarly I feel like places like Wickes are just really dusty places for a tiny baby's little lungs. Maybe I'm being too over the top about it and he is hardier than I think. But I really did feel like those DIY shops were no place for a little newborn

OP posts:

LetMeEnfoldYou · 13/08/2023 11:24

Ok, so it's not so much that you want help with the baby, it's that you need it, and wish you didn't. It's circumstantial, and I think it would probably cause hurt to push your parents back a bit - not to mention what would you do with the baby!

Babadook76 · 13/08/2023 11:24

So do you want help or not?? You’re voluntarily leaving your baby with your very tolerant parents (I know it’s not a race to the bottom, but my parents haven’t had any of my children in the 15 years I’ve had them). And now you’re upset that they’re helping? My children have had to live in the house as we were doing it up and building new bedrooms/bathroom/conservatory etc, and it’s not even crossed my mind that I shouldn’t be popping into wickes with a baby 😂 what is it you want your parents to actually do or not do?

SleepingStandingUp · 13/08/2023 11:34

Honestly OP you're expecting a huge amount from your parents and they're delivering. I think you have to suck up the Mom guilt - reassure yourself you're doing it for baby and GENTLY take back care.

He's 4 months, I wouldn't take him to a dirty work site but take him as much as you can to suitable places. If your Dad comes to take him and you still want to hold him, smile and say "thank you dad but I'm ok" and don't hand him over.

How long are you expecting to be at there's still?

Iouise · 13/08/2023 12:06

Gently, YABU. They are being extremely helpful when you need it. If your baby is preferring bottles that's not a failure. You are unnecessarily putting far too much pressure on yourself.

violetcuriosity · 13/08/2023 12:08

Don't overthink it, accept your feelings as they are now and gently start putting in some boundaries with your parents while you get used to having the baby with you more often. You're a ftm, no one knows what they're doing half the time and early on it was probably easier for him to be there. You've grown into your parenting role now and want him with you, your parents will understand. You'll learn that parenting is a constantly evolving, changing beast and no damage (within reason) can't be fixed with the right changes x

10HailMarys · 13/08/2023 12:17

OP, you can take a baby into a DIY shop. It is perfectly safe and fine. You’re being way over the top here!

Lavender14 · 13/08/2023 12:17

I think you could probably bring baby with you in a sling etc if you need to if it's for short periods without it being an issue. And DIY stores etc would be totally fine.

I would step back a little from the building stuff and see what can be managed remotely by phone or facetime. Being out for large chunks like that would make breastfeeding really challenging in the early weeks.

Can you coordinate things more so that on certain days you take the lead on the house stuff and on other days that's delegated to your folks or your dh and you take those days to just enjoy your wee baby?

Your parents are just going on what has been useful to you this far but it's fine to change that now that your circumstances are changing. A simple, ah it's OK I've got this... and take baby off them will give them the message. Hopefully you get more time now going forward to enjoy your little one after what's no doubt been a really stressful and intense period.

Doggydarling · 13/08/2023 12:29

Please try to relax, your baby knows who it's mother is and that won't change. I can relate, I lived with my parents after my baby was born, straight from hospital to their home due to relationship breaking up while in maternity hospital and my parents were absolutely fantastic but because I was quite ill they did a lot of early days care, I remember trying to sooth my ds when he was about a month old and my df said "give him to me, I've more experience", my ds instantly stopped crying but I started 😢. It all worked out and ds absolutely knew I was mother while the bond built with my parents stands to this day thirty years later. I'll be forever grateful for their help and if anything being so surrounded by love was only good for my relationship with my ds but I do remember that horrible feeling that I wasn't doing enough at the beginning, take my word it'll make no difference to your dc, they will know who's who.

JFDIYOLO · 13/08/2023 12:38

Your husband needs to step up. He needs to take all his annual leave now and deal with his house while you deal with being a new mother. Even unpaid leave if you can afford it. This has all landed on your post partum head and it is not fair.

GodspeedJune · 13/08/2023 12:43

You’re meant to be on maternity leave not supervising builders leave. Why isn’t your DH doing his fair share?

The first few months are precious time for you and baby, you aren’t neglecting him at all but it’s special time that you are missing out on. If you need to go on site take him with you in a sling. Same for the shops. I EBF so don’t have advice on bottles, but I second the PPs excellent suggestion of back to basic bonding for getting BF’ing more established again.

Smartiepants79 · 13/08/2023 12:48

Your parents sound like good parents. Just carefully explain. Make it very clear that you are grateful for all they’ve done to help. That they have not done anything wrong but that you feel that you need to reconnect. If they are as decent as they sound they will understand that you feel like you’re missing out and need to spend more time with him on your own.
Your parents think they are helping. They clearly want to. Tell them what you need. Before you snap and hurt someone’s feelings.

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