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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel like I'm being sexually abused?

24 replies

Goldie2348 · 13/08/2023 08:56

I am full of confusion and don't feel like I can speak to friends or family of this yet. I just need to see what others think to help me get my head around it.
So this is the background:
My husband and I have been having problems in our marriage for the last few weeks. He said to me one day that he wanted more freedom and I told him to go (he already has a hell of a lot of time for himself with multiple hobbies, while I look after our child and work long hours). Things have been up and down since then, he has not stayed at home but has been in the house throughout the day time.
A couple of weeks ago, he started telling me everything I wanted to hear- we'll sort it out and he'll get counselling. We then had sex and as soon as we had finished he took back everything he said. I felt totally used and manipulated.
We have had sex another 3 times since then, on 2 of the occasions I repeatedly told him to stop and that I didn't want to, but he was very persistent and it ended up happening, I ended up responding physically and it must have seemed to him that I enjoyed it.
On one of the occasions, I instigated, which is why this whole situation feels very confusing.
Yesterday he came round and was very persistent again, trying to get me to discuss sexual fantasies and saying that if I was like this a few weeks ago we wouldn't be in this bad place. I refused to have sex and he didn't force me but he did put his fingers inside and go down on me, I again kept telling him to stop but he didn't. I didn't kiss him or put my hands on him, he just did it to me. We had an argument about it last night and he left in strop. I told him I feel like he's using me, he only wants me for sex but doesn't want to sort any of our other issues. Its starting to feel like sexual abuse. I can't sleep. I want to keep our family together but is this a huge red flag and time to walk away? I feel like because I've responded by giggling and instigating it once, it can't really be sexual abuse but the feeling in my gut in telling me otherwise.
Can anyone help me understand these feelings? Is this normal because neither of us don't know what we want or is it becoming abusive?

OP posts:
NEmama · 13/08/2023 08:59

It is abusive. Don't have contact. If you're split you're split. He's abusing you

LunaLula83 · 13/08/2023 09:05

You didn't give your consent. He's abusing you.

Original poster
Goldie2348 · 13/08/2023 09:23

In an ideal world this would be the case but I've spoken to a solicitor and can't force him to leave the house. So for the time being he will be coming and going and I can't do anything about it.

OP posts:
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 13/08/2023 09:33

Jesus. What a twat.You report him for rape. Contact women’s aid for advice. I may well be wrong, but in this circumstance he won’t be allowed in the property.

Original poster
Goldie2348 · 13/08/2023 09:49

Thank you, I will contact them today. I'm afraid they will tell me to leave the property, which I cannot do. I want to keep things consistent for my son and intend on staying in my home and buying my husband out but until I do he can keep access.

OP posts:
HappyintheHills · 13/08/2023 09:53

That’s rape. When you say no and he continues there’s no consent. Clearly abusive and should really be reported to the police.

CatOnAMushroom · 13/08/2023 09:57

Please speak to womens aid ASAP OP for some support to deal with this. He is raping you. You cannot stay in a relationship with a rapist for any reason. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you

Andthereyougo · 13/08/2023 09:59

You said no, he continued. That is rape.
Of course he is using you, he feels it gives him control. Rape is all about control.
As pp said you can call the police, say he has raped you and they should remove him from the house. He will try to wriggle out if it—- he’ll say anything and want you to collaborate his story.
Call Women’s Aid for advice and support too.

You might not be able to kick him out of the house but you can fit a lock to a room door so you feel safe.

Original poster
Goldie2348 · 13/08/2023 09:59

It feels like such a grey area because of the way I react. Even though I tell him it will upset me if we have sex I still respond in all the ways I used to. Its like my head doesn't want to but my body does. I'm so conflicted.

OP posts:
CatOnAMushroom · 13/08/2023 10:00

Ps. You aren't responsible for "keeping your family together" and this is clearly not the best option. Children are better off in a household where their mother is not bring raped and abused. He has already made the decision to behave appallingly and what happens next is down to his actions

CatOnAMushroom · 13/08/2023 10:03

Our bodies can react to stimulation without consent. It's a primal reaction and does not change that you did not consent and do not want this situation to continue.

What do you think would happen if you physically tried to stop him? If you are fearful of physical harm then your body is "going along" with it to leep you most safe. It's a survival instinct.

BringItOnxxx · 13/08/2023 10:05

It seems like you feel conditioned to respond positively to his advances, you are unable to say no to him. He is taking advantage of this and abusing/raping you. Conditioning is powerful. I'm so sorry. You need to speak to Women's Aid and get the courage to stand up to him/report him/leave.

KnackeredAF · 13/08/2023 10:06

Goldie2348 · 13/08/2023 09:59

It feels like such a grey area because of the way I react. Even though I tell him it will upset me if we have sex I still respond in all the ways I used to. Its like my head doesn't want to but my body does. I'm so conflicted.

What do you mean by “the way [you] react”?

If you mean normal physical responses to sexual contact, e.g. orgasm, that does not make it consensual. Your body doesn’t know how to differentiate between consensual touch and non consensual touch.

If you are saying no, that’s enough. You’ve withdrawn consent. Consent can be withdrawn at any time, and should end the act. If he’s not listening to your “no”, then it’s rape.

Contact Women’s Aid. Contact a Sexual Assault Referral Centre - they can provide support, gather evidence and offer counselling. They can help you with contacting the police, or not if you choose not to at this point. The evidence will all still be there if you change your mind later.

I don’t agree with maintaining contact for your child. I’d argue your husband isn’t a good person for a child to spend time around, given how little regard he has for you and your feelings.

Original poster
Goldie2348 · 13/08/2023 10:07

As unfair as this may seem, I would never go to the police because I'm afraid it would ruin my relationship with my in laws who I am very close to and my son deserves that relationship.

OP posts:
CatOnAMushroom · 13/08/2023 10:14

You don't need to make any decisions about involving the police at the moment. Please make your own safety (physically and emotionally) the priority so that you have some time and space to work through what you want to happen next.

Have you tried womens aid OP? They will have helped women in this situation thousands of times and are the support you need.

Winterscomingagain · 13/08/2023 10:22

Have you told him that you consider this to be rape and will report him. Are you actually sharing a bed with him ?

Original poster
Goldie2348 · 13/08/2023 10:23

Yes, that'd exactly how it feels. We have been together for 12 years (since we were 17) and he is the only person I have ever been with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goldie2348 · 13/08/2023 10:25

No, he is staying overnight with a family member but comes in the house through the day for various reasons.
I have mentioned to him that it feels like sexual abuse and he laughs it off and says its because our connection is so strong.

OP posts:
Dinojump · 13/08/2023 10:30

Please, please, please do everything you can to keep this man away from you and your child right now.

I know you don't want to rock the boat with your in-laws but this is not about them. Get advice from Woman's Aid. I suspect you need to seek an injunction against him which will stop him coming to the house.

He is abusing you; sexually, mentally and physically. He is raping you.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You need to hear that. Please read it over and over again.

Original poster
Goldie2348 · 13/08/2023 10:45

Thank you to everyone who has commented for the advice. I have contacted Woman's aid and have been given some contact details to speak to someone locally about domestic abuse.

OP posts:
Southoftheriver32 · 13/08/2023 10:50

Dear God… I actually can’t believe you have asked if this is normal.
What a vile excuse for a husband you have, made me sick to my stomach reading that.

Parseley · 13/08/2023 10:54

Goldie2348 · 13/08/2023 10:07

As unfair as this may seem, I would never go to the police because I'm afraid it would ruin my relationship with my in laws who I am very close to and my son deserves that relationship.

He’s ruined that op not you .

DungareesAndTrombones · 13/08/2023 11:04

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. People can and do orgasm from rape - it is the body's response to physical stimulation and doesn't mean that it wasn't rape. He is a disgusting person and I send you strength to be rid of him soon.

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